the story of ned (my nasty little eating disorder).

you're wondering who ned is.

i don't blame you.

ned is my name for my nasty little eating disorder.

i was diagnosed about two and half years ago with non-purging bulimia, after struggling with little or no help for two years.

so now its been close to five years and i finally feel like the story of ned is...well, it's not ending so much as, just becoming less important.

i made the decision to speak openly about my eating disorder because one of the reasons it was so difficult to find someone to help me was that so little is known (even among medical professionals) regarding eating disorders.

if you think you might be dealing with your own ned, i can't emphasize the importance of seeking help. and i'm not talking about your general practitioner or even a run-of-the-mill therapist. look for someone who specializes in this field.

with any questions or comments, don't hesitate to email me: fee.meg@gmail.com

so here's the story from the beginning:

(the first two posts listed give the best background information)

if oprah did it...

for clarity's sake...

in the interest of full disclosure...

putting ned to bed...

a story.

an alternative to all the...

jeans.

the white flag. (where i am currently).

miracle of miracles.

disclaimer: if you don't know who ned is, 

chances are you'll want to find out 

before you begin to read this.

look here.

or check my sidebar

for more reading suggestions.

 

the most amazing thing happened today.

i went to my absolute favorite frozen-yogurt place in all of new york city, forty carrots (at bloomingdale's) and ordered up a small coffee-flavored delight.

there are a few things you should know about forty-carrot frozen-yogurt.

1. it's the best.

and

2. a small serving is about the size of a small child's head. 

i took my yogurt to go and, forgoing the cross town subway, walked through the park to columbus circle. 

i diligently finished all of my frozen delight around 59th and 5th. at which point i began to notice an unpleasant after-taste in my mouth.

i walked the rest of the way to the A train while pondering the strange taste.

and this is what i concluded:

the introduction of real food into my life is changing my ability to deal with processed food. 

in other words, all that fruit is screwing with my taste buds.

this is a good thing. i know, i know, it's just hard to take in the moment. it's probably for the best, forty carrots recently stopped offering crushed skors bars as a topping and so my coffee delight was never going to be the same anyway. 

but still. euf. 

there were a few days while in australia where ned took strong hold.

when ned is at his worst it as though i am every so slowly suffocating. or as if i am a tire with a small air leak, but in reverse. 

big events can be hard. a trip to australia. a landmark. by which time you think you'll be at a certain point. that you'll be okay taking a million photos. and then you're not. and this brief-glittering compass that guided your life for the last month dissolves in your hands and you're left with sticky residue of your own disappointment. 

there was one day where stephen's request to photograph me in front of the sydney sky-line resulted in a near-nervous-breakdown. 

and yet for every day on vacation where ned had me fighting for my life there were days where i couldn't believe how absent he was. and the flip-flopping between the two extremes resulted in a wee of a miracle.

i gained perspective.

oh, perspective!

there are certain things i want for my life. things that being thin will be enormously helpful with. and that's a fact. like it or not.

and it's not personal. just...pragmatic. 

does that make sense? 

i haven't seen dr. bob in a little over a month (august was the time to vacation!). but i think when i tell him of this he'll be pleased. he'll tell me this is good because i'm now using a different part of my brain to deal with the situation.  

getting better is a process. the pace of which puts a snail to shame. 

and there are different stages.

stage #450,201: put end to binges:

allowing myself to eat whatever i wanted so as to not trigger any kind of deprivation mechanism. this included many a starbuck's rainbow cookie. which is fine. except that i was eating starbuck's rainbow cookies at the expense of a good wholesome meal. 

so now begins stage #450,246: the quest for 6+ fruits and vegetables a day. and swimming:

it's about health, mental and body. and the knowledge that this will most likely change my body. but it's not about just changing the body. 

with the accumulation of stages and thus ned's continued recession comes the awareness of just how much i have yet to improve upon--things you'd never guess were connected in any way to food. 

i have to listen better. 

and learn to speak eloquently (and unemotionally) in difficult situations. 

and by golly, i need to practice flirting!

but i'm so proud of myself. 

i flew across the world. 

by myself. 

and arranged for the travel visa. 

by myself. 

i repainted my entire apartment when it would have been much easier to fall apart. 

i got the bed bug covers on my mattress by myself (and that, i must say is quite difficult to do). 

i stood-up for myself.

and admitted when i was wrong.

i've taken initiative at work. 

i put on a bathing suit four days last week and walked from the locker room to the pool sans t-shirt, towel, or any form of cover-up. 

there are a hundred other things that i can't even remember. little things. things other people do without giving it a second though. 

in some ways it all boils down to this:

i'm learning to navigate this life without ned there to make all my decisions for me. and that my friends is a miracle of no small size. 

in fact, i'm quite sure it's of gargantuan proportions. 

yes, they do.

two days ago i thanked regina for this reminder,

i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.

and then taza reminded me (as taza tends to do) that the in full, the quote is:

i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget, i've got a perfect body 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat, yes they do.

of course, i thought. 

of course (my favorite response). 

these bodies of ours do amazing things each and every day. so...this is my charge to you:

why is your body perfect?

mine?

well.

because my feet get me from one end of the tunnel to the next. 

and about a million other reasons. but that's the one i'll give. 

so now you. 

i want to know. 

and then i want to make a list.

and then we'll have begun the revolution without even realizing it.

what are you waiting for--why are you still reading this?

go.

ps: according to glamour magazine,

animal prints are making a

comeback (when did they ever

go away?) and so i've decided

to wear my zebra shoes

all the time, since i think i'm finally

coming back to myself.

yes, i am.

yes i do.

"i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget"

oh regina, of course.

thanks for the reminder.

ps: your new album is

beyond brilliant.

image via ffffound

25 before 25

Inspired by the amazing Carolyn over at My Thirty Before 30 Journey, I decided to make my own list. I said I needed a change? Well, it's in my hands to make it happen. My half birthday is April 4, so I have a year and a half to begin these--to make them a priority. I've lost sight of how much fun goals can be (I say this now, we'll see how I feel three months, six months, a year from now {though I have a feeling I'm going to love these--how hard some of them are--how much of a challenge they'll present})

1. take a trip abroad

2. read 25 new books

3. fall in love with running

4. give up soda and coffee (and yes, that mean's saying goodbye to starbucks)

5. figure out how to get some swimming into my life

6. host a dinner party

7. finally start a book club (stop talking about it and just do it)

8. get a job that i truly love (even if it's only temporary)

9. see the elephants walk through manhattan

10. see the yankees play in the new stadium

11. explore and document different nyc neighborhoods

12. write a little. every day. stretch those creative muscles.

13. choose 15 of shakespeare's great female monologues. disect them. figure them out.

14. speak a little poetry--a little shakespeare out loud every day

15. improve my spanish speaking skills

16. stop buying tabloid magazines

17. unleash my inner fashion mavin

18. lower my cholesterol

19. figure out what my happy weight is

20. eat at least five fruits and veggies each day

21. treat my body with the respect it deserves 

22. get my finances in order

23. become a real--working--professional actor

24. say goodbye to ned. for good.

25. fall in love

What would you put on your list? Do you all have any suggestions?

I did the unthinkable. I got on the scale.

I have a modern day dilemma. It goes something like this: why would I want to enter into an industry where everyone has an eating disorder, where in order to succeed one must be beyond thin? Is it possible to be a successful actress and live in one's normal body? 

Did anyone catch the globes? Did anyone happen to see Sally Hawkins, winner of the Golden Globe for best actress in a comedy or musical? Oh boy. All I can do is slowly exhale when I think about it. She was so thin. Emaciated thin. I will be the first to admit that I, like so may others, consider a thin body to be at the apex of what is beautiful. Not because society deems it so, but because I consider it so (well, but then I have to think about what influence society has on my own beliefs, etc. etc.--a whole pyschological probe that I don't have time to invest in today (and probably don't want to)). The point is, even I, in all my distorted splendor, looked at her and felt squeamish. And then sad. So thin was she that my friend described her as saying, "do not pass go, do not collect $200." I asked someone in the know, about the actresses there, 

"please tell me what are they doing--are any of them healthy?"

"Very few" he said. "Look at the actresses that you really respect, who's work speaks for them--those, those are the actresses who are healthy." 

"Cate Blanchett?" I asked, "but she's so thin."

"And yet she doesn't suffer form an eating disorder."

Oh. Oh. Oh.

So this morning I had a lovely breakfast with Naomi...

(trying to fill the necessary picture quota)

...and I said..."how can I go into a business where everyone suffers from it, but no one opens their mouth to say anything?"

And in all her wise glory Naomi said the following: "People suffer from it in the business, as well as outside of it. You won't escape it by choosing another career path. You're going to face it everywhere, you might as well face it while doing what you love."

And there it was, God's miracle: infinite wisdom in the form of my many friends.

Dr. Bob once told me that the actresses who handle the issue of weigh the best, are the ones who recognize it's just a part of their job. Just as executives are forced to wear a suit, so are actors expected to go to the gym and look their best. It may not be right, but it's part of the business. This makes sense to me. I can do this. It's like wearing a suit. And I want to wear a suit that I feel comfortable in.

I've made great strides in coming to terms with the body I have. That doesn't mean I don't want to lose weight. I've hid from the scale for...oh, I don't even know how long now. I've asked to not have my weight measured when I go to the doctor (you can do that--did you know? though if it's been a year, they'll make you climb up there anyway). I've stopped wearing jeans all together. And I've avoided cameras at all costs. So the other day, in an effort act courageously, I met my long lost friend, the scale. Yes, I know, you're wondering about my choice of the word, "friend". Well, the scale is just a feedback mechanism. And whether or not I like the number I see, the scale is just letting me know where I stand. Good friends do that, they tell you like it is.

Well, I didn't like the number I saw. Not one bit. But I didn't fall apart. And for that reason, I get to rejoice. And take action. More vegetables, more fruit. Less processed junk. Because in the end it's not about a number on the scale, it's about my cholesterol, and thyroid function, and resting heart rate. I want to be healthier. I pledge to be healthier. Here and now I pledge to embrace the long-forgotten  fruits and vegetables (mothers the world round can now rejoice!). And water, I can't forget water. I embrace health. And the power of foods that give me the energy to keep fighting the good fight.

And if the number on the scale goes down at all, well then that would be one of God's many miracles too. But it's not the point. And that is the point. 

While babysitting I read an article that might just change my life.

She offered to show me how the television worked. I assured her I could figure it out. And so I tried for a good hour. To no avail. Channel three? No. Input four? No. Oh hell, reading it would be. So I picked up Vogue. Yes, I went right for the challenging material. Picture, picture, caption....sigh. And then...I came across this: Vicki Woods Follows Twelve Habits of the Healthiest People in the World. Hmmmm...I liked the sound of that. And Ned, sure as heck, didn't. Perfection.

So it goes something like this:

1. eat a balanced diet; 2 cups fruit, 2 1/2 cups veggies, 5 1/2 ounces meat, 3 cups low-fat or non-fat dairy (you get the picture)

2. exercise (30 minutes cardio daily to maintain weight, more to lose; weights 3 times a week; and yoga or Pilates once a week for flexibility) 

3. cut down on alcohol (one glass a day at most)

4. cut down on caffeine (yikes!)

5. cut out all nicotine 

6. brush and floss daily

7. wear an SPF daily

8. get 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night (it helps ward off diabetes)

9. have regular sex with your partner

10. keep the mind sharp (puzzles, crosswords, etc.)

11. keep a busy schedule (this means socialize people!)

12. and finally...meditate daily 

So Vicki's goal was to follow these rules for a month, just in time to feel fresh and alive for the inauguration of Obama. I'm a bit late for that, but seeing as in about a month's time I've got some oh-so-important events (one of which is to retake my headshots and Lord knows I'd like to look fresh-faced and alive for those) I too will take the month long challenge. Each day I'll focus on something else and add in my own little goals (like making my bed--turns out it makes a difference) and I'll keep you all posted on how it goes and how Ned responds to the whole thing.