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7.09.2009

a story.


before beginning: if you
don't know who ned is,
go here or here.
for more information,
check my sidebar.


i'm sitting here in my ever-so-small kitchen spooning copious amounts of peanut butter and jelly straight from the jar onto the last of my challah bread.

and i'm thinking of a story that i want to tell you.

my story.

and let me be clear. this is not a story about ned. it is simply a story in which ned plays a part.

i'm not sure when it exactly it happened-- that i started counting. it began simply. one day, two days, three days and on. days without ned. i had a tally mark. on my chalkboard wall. on my chalkboard wall adjacent to my ever-so-small kitchen.

and each day--each tally mark--was this gift, this undeserved miracle, which i wrapped my sturdy, little fingers around and clung to.

and then something really remarkable happened. my fingers let go. and i looked down at my hands. and i saw the all-at-once careful and careless intersection of folds and lines and curves and i fell in love with them. i have twelve moles on my hands alone. twelve.

but i digress.

so my fingers let go. followed by my hands. followed by a part of myself which, as of yet, i cannot name.

and i stopped counting. i stopped measuring my days as free of ned. a day was just a day. what am i saying? a day was just a day? no, a day was...a day. free of ned or not, the day was the miracle.

i don't know the last time i binged. i couldn't tell you. i do know that last friday night i ate too much chocolate. and i loved every minute of it.

ned isn't gone. there is still so much to do. to change. to experience. to live through and survive.

i got this lovely email from a young woman who said, "i just want to be thin." and i thought, yes, me too. of course, me too. but i want to be thin plus ten million other things. and you see, that's an eating disorder in a nutshell. the desire to be thin eclipses everything else. it eats up (pun intended) the entire pie chart. and so in getting better, one must identify everything else (the + 10 million things) that one is or wants. my list is small, but growing. and so my ned section of the pie chart is diminishing. rapidly.

i have spent my life enveloped in stories. in making them up and in making them come true. in acting school our first year acting teacher always said, you are enough. meaning--you don't have to try so hard, don't act--just be. and i thought i knew what that meant. i though i could do that.

but it is only now, that for the first time i believe that my story is enough that i understand. for the first time i don't need to make up or make one come true anything. for the first time i believe in my own story. my story is enough. and put in those words, it makes all the sense in the world.




28 comments:

JKreids said...

ONE DAY AT A TIME will finally equal years of recovery. I'll celebrate three years (God-willing) on August 23rd. The first 30, 60, 90 days were the hardest, but you're right - you eventually do stop counting and just start being. :)

I'm rooting for you.

Mrs. Blimes said...

you are beautiful and divine.
you make me want to be better.

thank you

M

Candice said...

Thank you for this. You inspire me.

Fashionably Kate said...

beautiful.

i love the "you are enough." it's good to hear.

just keep going girl!

Belle said...

You have the most beautiful way with words darling and I am so proud of everything you have achieved! xxx

Ross & Amanda Goodman said...

This was lovely. I am inspired. Thank you.

Morgan said...

just beautiful meg. (you & the story)

orsoifeel said...

oh meg... how i relate to your feelings... your words.
thank u love.

Jessica Marie said...

the perfect post. so honest and true.

thank you for this

Jessica said...

it's been a while since i've been here. i needed this today. "you are enough" is what i needed to hear. thanks.

Mollie said...

i absolutely love your posts. they are so heartfelt and beautifully written!

Michelle said...

This is beautiful. And very inspiring. Thank you, I needed to read this.

Jalene said...

This is probably one of the most beautiful things I've ever read in my entire life.

Thank you.

Erin said...

Beautiful post.
You are enough is something everyone needs to hear.

The Girl in the Yellow Shoes said...

So candid and perfect. Well done.

naomi megan. said...

and such a beautiful inspiring and powerful story it is.

dear meg, i love you. did you know?

also, if it still works with your schedule, next week would be perfect for me. or the week after. and i have lots to tell and lots i wanna hear. plus, there is so much i want to show you here. our little beetle wants to meet you too and take you for a spin.

hooray!

Ali said...

Wow. Beautifully written.

Jill said...

I loved reading this, It used to be about being "thin" for me as well but that has been replaced with healthy, strong, happy and a bucket load of other things. Good luck on your journey!

Alexandra said...

Yep, your story is enough.
YOU are enough.

You are very brave. And strong.
Really really great post. xo

Brittany said...

wow...beautifully said.

some girl said...

I like this story. A lot.
Thanks for sharing it :)

The Rookie said...

"You are enough." That is going up in my classroom office and above my mirror at home. Thank you for this small and shining coin.

Hanako66 said...

I am certain that your story is inspiring to many people who suffer with ned.

your story is inspiring and beautiful to me.

Tess said...

So incredibly beautiful and inspiring.
Thank you.

sarah-lucy said...

Thank you.

kate. said...

beautiful. you are so wise. i want to be like you when i grow up.

Amanda said...

You deserve a standing ovation for this! :) From one food-addict to another, I salute you!

anne taylor said...

love, love, love!