disclaimer: if you don't know who ned is,
chances are you'll want to find out
before you begin to read this.
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the most amazing thing happened today.
i went to my absolute favorite frozen-yogurt place in all of new york city, forty carrots (at bloomingdale's) and ordered up a small coffee-flavored delight.
there are a few things you should know about forty-carrot frozen-yogurt.
1. it's the best.
2. a small serving is about the size of a small child's head.
i took my yogurt to go and, forgoing the cross town subway, walked through the park to columbus circle.
i diligently finished all of my frozen delight around 59th and 5th. at which point i began to notice an unpleasant after-taste in my mouth.
i walked the rest of the way to the A train while pondering the strange taste.
and this is what i concluded:
the introduction of real food into my life is changing my ability to deal with processed food.
in other words, all that fruit is screwing with my taste buds.
this is a good thing. i know, i know, it's just hard to take in the moment. it's probably for the best, forty carrots recently stopped offering crushed skors bars as a topping and so my coffee delight was never going to be the same anyway.
but still. euf.
there were a few days while in australia where ned took strong hold.
when ned is at his worst it as though i am every so slowly suffocating. or as if i am a tire with a small air leak, but in reverse.
big events can be hard. a trip to australia. a landmark. by which time you think you'll be at a certain point. that you'll be okay taking a million photos. and then you're not. and this brief-glittering compass that guided your life for the last month dissolves in your hands and you're left with sticky residue of your own disappointment.
there was one day where stephen's request to photograph me in front of the sydney sky-line resulted in a near-nervous-breakdown.
and yet for every day on vacation where ned had me fighting for my life there were days where i couldn't believe how absent he was. and the flip-flopping between the two extremes resulted in a wee of a miracle.
i gained perspective.
there are certain things i want for my life. things that being thin will be enormously helpful with. and that's a fact. like it or not.
and it's not personal. just...pragmatic.
does that make sense?
i haven't seen dr. bob in a little over a month (august was the time to vacation!). but i think when i tell him of this he'll be pleased. he'll tell me this is good because i'm now using a different part of my brain to deal with the situation.
getting better is a process. the pace of which puts a snail to shame.
and there are different stages.
stage #450,201: put end to binges:
allowing myself to eat whatever i wanted so as to not trigger any kind of deprivation mechanism. this included many a starbuck's rainbow cookie. which is fine. except that i was eating starbuck's rainbow cookies at the expense of a good wholesome meal.
so now begins stage #450,246: the quest for 6+ fruits and vegetables a day. and swimming:
it's about health, mental and body. and the knowledge that this will most likely change my body. but it's not about just changing the body.
with the accumulation of stages and thus ned's continued recession comes the awareness of just how much i have yet to improve upon--things you'd never guess were connected in any way to food.
i have to listen better.
and learn to speak eloquently (and unemotionally) in difficult situations.
and by golly, i need to practice flirting!
but i'm so proud of myself.
i flew across the world.
and arranged for the travel visa.
i repainted my entire apartment when it would have been much easier to fall apart.
i got the bed bug covers on my mattress by myself (and that, i must say is quite difficult to do).
i stood-up for myself.
and admitted when i was wrong.
i've taken initiative at work.
i put on a bathing suit four days last week and walked from the locker room to the pool sans t-shirt, towel, or any form of cover-up.
there are a hundred other things that i can't even remember. little things. things other people do without giving it a second though.
in some ways it all boils down to this:
i'm learning to navigate this life without ned there to make all my decisions for me. and that my friends is a miracle of no small size.
in fact, i'm quite sure it's of gargantuan proportions.