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9.06.2009

miracle of miracles.


disclaimer: if you don't know who ned is, 
chances are you'll want to find out 
before you begin to read this.
or check my sidebar
for more reading suggestions.
 




the most amazing thing happened today.

i went to my absolute favorite frozen-yogurt place in all of new york city, forty carrots (at bloomingdale's) and ordered up a small coffee-flavored delight.

there are a few things you should know about forty-carrot frozen-yogurt.

1. it's the best.

and

2. a small serving is about the size of a small child's head. 

i took my yogurt to go and, forgoing the cross town subway, walked through the park to columbus circle. 

i diligently finished all of my frozen delight around 59th and 5th. at which point i began to notice an unpleasant after-taste in my mouth.

i walked the rest of the way to the A train while pondering the strange taste.

and this is what i concluded:

the introduction of real food into my life is changing my ability to deal with processed food. 

in other words, all that fruit is screwing with my taste buds.

this is a good thing. i know, i know, it's just hard to take in the moment. it's probably for the best, forty carrots recently stopped offering crushed skors bars as a topping and so my coffee delight was never going to be the same anyway. 

but still. euf. 

there were a few days while in australia where ned took strong hold.

when ned is at his worst it as though i am every so slowly suffocating. or as if i am a tire with a small air leak, but in reverse. 

big events can be hard. a trip to australia. a landmark. by which time you think you'll be at a certain point. that you'll be okay taking a million photos. and then you're not. and this brief-glittering compass that guided your life for the last month dissolves in your hands and you're left with sticky residue of your own disappointment. 

there was one day where stephen's request to photograph me in front of the sydney sky-line resulted in a near-nervous-breakdown. 

and yet for every day on vacation where ned had me fighting for my life there were days where i couldn't believe how absent he was. and the flip-flopping between the two extremes resulted in a wee of a miracle.

i gained perspective.

oh, perspective!

there are certain things i want for my life. things that being thin will be enormously helpful with. and that's a fact. like it or not.

and it's not personal. just...pragmatic. 

does that make sense? 

i haven't seen dr. bob in a little over a month (august was the time to vacation!). but i think when i tell him of this he'll be pleased. he'll tell me this is good because i'm now using a different part of my brain to deal with the situation.  

getting better is a process. the pace of which puts a snail to shame. 

and there are different stages.

stage #450,201: put end to binges:
allowing myself to eat whatever i wanted so as to not trigger any kind of deprivation mechanism. this included many a starbuck's rainbow cookie. which is fine. except that i was eating starbuck's rainbow cookies at the expense of a good wholesome meal. 

so now begins stage #450,246: the quest for 6+ fruits and vegetables a day. and swimming:
it's about health, mental and body. and the knowledge that this will most likely change my body. but it's not about just changing the body. 

with the accumulation of stages and thus ned's continued recession comes the awareness of just how much i have yet to improve upon--things you'd never guess were connected in any way to food. 

i have to listen better. 
and learn to speak eloquently (and unemotionally) in difficult situations. 
and by golly, i need to practice flirting!

but i'm so proud of myself. 

i flew across the world. 
by myself. 
and arranged for the travel visa. 
by myself. 
i repainted my entire apartment when it would have been much easier to fall apart. 
i got the bed bug covers on my mattress by myself (and that, i must say is quite difficult to do). 
i stood-up for myself.
and admitted when i was wrong.
i've taken initiative at work. 
i put on a bathing suit four days last week and walked from the locker room to the pool sans t-shirt, towel, or any form of cover-up. 

there are a hundred other things that i can't even remember. little things. things other people do without giving it a second though. 

in some ways it all boils down to this:

i'm learning to navigate this life without ned there to make all my decisions for me. and that my friends is a miracle of no small size. 

in fact, i'm quite sure it's of gargantuan proportions. 



22 comments:

laura marie said...

to say that i understand where you're coming from (in all your ned posts, for that matter) is quite the understatement... i've struggled for the last seven years but with each year, ned gets weaker as i become stronger... i do believe that he'll eventually be gone, but for now it's all about the day to day realization that i will be okay, that i'm worth it, and that life carries significance beyond me in a bikini.

best best best of luck and i'm so proud of your perspective :)

b. said...

who is ned? just teasing.... :)

brown eyed girl said...

Congratulations, Meg! your not-so-little accomplishments and not-so-private triumphs are an inspiration to all of us.

Brittany said...

what a wonderful miracle! you've come so far and i'm excited for everything good you'll have in the future!

IIDA said...

Reading this made me so happy. And hopeful.

Spardha Malik said...

hey thats really really great!! I'm sure you'll be fine and u won't give up till its totally fixed.

Atta girl :)

Olivia Rae said...

thank you for writing this meg. you are so inspiring to me!

Hill Top Star said...

Wow! Thanks for sharing how hard it can be sometimes to be brave and how much power we can all have in our lives. I don't have a ned, but I do have other struggles and your story inspires me.

MeganRose said...

You are amazing, I completely relate to your NED affair, and must say how inspiring you are! Every little hurdle jumped is like winning the lottery of victory. :::Hugs:::

Signorina Svizzera said...

yay meg!!! i sympathize, understand (especially about changing tastebuds!), and congratulate you! what a huge step!! wonder of wonders!!!
you inspire me to stick to my own goals, which i have been struggling to attain against my own problems these past few years :)
Go perspective!

Ali said...

Um, this deserves MAJOR props of gargantuan proportions.

kate. said...

ahh im so happy that you wrote this. it is exactly the inspiration that i needed today.

i feel ya girl.. and its rough sometimes. but even as I am nothing more than a friend from reading your blog, im really, genuinely so proud of you.

you are a writer. you are so good at it. thank you for sharing this talent of yours with us!!

MandyJean said...

I'm so glad you're staying positive. Clearly, all your darling readers believe in you! Keep it up Meg!

sheila said...

that was some great writing. And you also just made me want to go get some ice cream.

stacey rodriguez said...

beautiful :) i think that doing things by oneself, can be the hardest things to do. but the most rewarding as you find you need not be dependent on things like ned. or that one person. or that ability or talent. congratulations :)

Erin said...

Beautiful writing! Keep making progress, you are doing wonderfully.

Alexandra said...

I want you to know how much I appreciate your writing and honesty and candor with yourself and your life. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. xo keep 'treating' yourself to real, unprocessed food!

Fashionably Kate said...

sweet!! great accomplishments indeed my dear!

orsoifeel said...

i am so happy for you. i wish i was were you are at emotionally... such a big step in the right direction.

Mrs. B said...

You rock Meg, you rock! If I weren't in my cube right now I'd let out one loud "Ahhhhhh!!!!" for you (:

Jennie said...

I think you're awesome to speak about this! So brave. It hits home for so many. Here's a link to something that has made my own light come on a time or two. Maybe you'll like some of the insights too:)

http://ronisweigh.com/2009/08/core-hurt-eating-those-that-overeat.html

Hanako66 said...

i am so proud of you meg, and honored to be a part of your journey:)