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In the interest of full disclosure...

The end of Ned has come. I can feel it. Any day now I'll wake to find my bed empty once more. 

I should be celebrating. Should be.

Instead I'm afraid. Any doctor will tell you that an eating disorder sticks around because there is something positive you're extracting from it. I rebelled against this idea for a long time. Nothing good, I would shout. Nothing good has come from him. 

But this is not true. 

Ned makes me feel safe. Think about it...he literally built a second skin for me--a layer of insulation. He is my form of protection from a world that seems overwhelming and unnavigable. He has been my constant companion these past three, almost four years.

And so while I pray for his departure, I also fear it. Letting go of him feels like leaping off a cliff. What will the world look like if I'm not looking through his eyes? 

In some ways my body is rebelling now. Trying to cling to a dying a relationship. Purging him up and out in convulsive spurts. 

I've been bingeing more of late. Like I used to. In the old days. But these worse days lead to better days and I can feel my system cleaning itself. 

But in the interest of full disclosure...sometimes I feel Ned so strongly. Moving inside of me. So strong is he that I can barely breathe. And I wonder if I allow that to happen--if I stop breathing--what will happen? Will my body learn to take air in in a new and different way? A better way? 

Perhaps my skin will break open and my heart will learn to breathe.


shilvia said...

have a wonderful weekend dear :)

sheila said...

I don't think you need Ned anymore, I just think he needs you. He can find another friend next door. soooo...


Stephanie J. Robertson said...

i agree with sheila! this ned has had too much power- you're better than him! you're strong and lovely.

Valerie said...

mamacita meg, there was a 56 year old danish therapist who i was blesssssssed to do partner work with in bali. and she said she tells her patients, "what would you be without that thought?" and it is scary + weird to let go of something that has been so so part of you. and it will always be there a little bit. at least as your history. but i think it sounds like you are breaking your heart open and letting yourself be "MEG with a little ned story once upon a time," instead of "meg + ned." i totes ended up having to puke out the toxic bad-ness, myself. but now it is gone gone gone. i love love love you so much*

Elizabeth Marie said...

You are amazing, and inspire me from a far. Thank you. xoxo

Jessica Kettle said...

hi meg- i found your blog from rockstar diaries. i just wanted to let you know that i get this. i tooootally get this post because it was me once. and you know what? it isn't me anymore. not even a little, not at all. i just wanted to let you know that when ned bids his final adieu (and he will! he can!) you will fill that space with so many positive things. i look back on that stuff that plagued my mind and body for years of my life and just think- hmm. that was weeeeeird. someday, you will too! promise. =)

hang in there.

Mel said...

That last sentence is beautiful.