miracle of miracles.

disclaimer: if you don't know who ned is, 

chances are you'll want to find out 

before you begin to read this.

look here.

or check my sidebar

for more reading suggestions.

 

the most amazing thing happened today.

i went to my absolute favorite frozen-yogurt place in all of new york city, forty carrots (at bloomingdale's) and ordered up a small coffee-flavored delight.

there are a few things you should know about forty-carrot frozen-yogurt.

1. it's the best.

and

2. a small serving is about the size of a small child's head. 

i took my yogurt to go and, forgoing the cross town subway, walked through the park to columbus circle. 

i diligently finished all of my frozen delight around 59th and 5th. at which point i began to notice an unpleasant after-taste in my mouth.

i walked the rest of the way to the A train while pondering the strange taste.

and this is what i concluded:

the introduction of real food into my life is changing my ability to deal with processed food. 

in other words, all that fruit is screwing with my taste buds.

this is a good thing. i know, i know, it's just hard to take in the moment. it's probably for the best, forty carrots recently stopped offering crushed skors bars as a topping and so my coffee delight was never going to be the same anyway. 

but still. euf. 

there were a few days while in australia where ned took strong hold.

when ned is at his worst it as though i am every so slowly suffocating. or as if i am a tire with a small air leak, but in reverse. 

big events can be hard. a trip to australia. a landmark. by which time you think you'll be at a certain point. that you'll be okay taking a million photos. and then you're not. and this brief-glittering compass that guided your life for the last month dissolves in your hands and you're left with sticky residue of your own disappointment. 

there was one day where stephen's request to photograph me in front of the sydney sky-line resulted in a near-nervous-breakdown. 

and yet for every day on vacation where ned had me fighting for my life there were days where i couldn't believe how absent he was. and the flip-flopping between the two extremes resulted in a wee of a miracle.

i gained perspective.

oh, perspective!

there are certain things i want for my life. things that being thin will be enormously helpful with. and that's a fact. like it or not.

and it's not personal. just...pragmatic. 

does that make sense? 

i haven't seen dr. bob in a little over a month (august was the time to vacation!). but i think when i tell him of this he'll be pleased. he'll tell me this is good because i'm now using a different part of my brain to deal with the situation.  

getting better is a process. the pace of which puts a snail to shame. 

and there are different stages.

stage #450,201: put end to binges:

allowing myself to eat whatever i wanted so as to not trigger any kind of deprivation mechanism. this included many a starbuck's rainbow cookie. which is fine. except that i was eating starbuck's rainbow cookies at the expense of a good wholesome meal. 

so now begins stage #450,246: the quest for 6+ fruits and vegetables a day. and swimming:

it's about health, mental and body. and the knowledge that this will most likely change my body. but it's not about just changing the body. 

with the accumulation of stages and thus ned's continued recession comes the awareness of just how much i have yet to improve upon--things you'd never guess were connected in any way to food. 

i have to listen better. 

and learn to speak eloquently (and unemotionally) in difficult situations. 

and by golly, i need to practice flirting!

but i'm so proud of myself. 

i flew across the world. 

by myself. 

and arranged for the travel visa. 

by myself. 

i repainted my entire apartment when it would have been much easier to fall apart. 

i got the bed bug covers on my mattress by myself (and that, i must say is quite difficult to do). 

i stood-up for myself.

and admitted when i was wrong.

i've taken initiative at work. 

i put on a bathing suit four days last week and walked from the locker room to the pool sans t-shirt, towel, or any form of cover-up. 

there are a hundred other things that i can't even remember. little things. things other people do without giving it a second though. 

in some ways it all boils down to this:

i'm learning to navigate this life without ned there to make all my decisions for me. and that my friends is a miracle of no small size. 

in fact, i'm quite sure it's of gargantuan proportions. 

yes i do.

"i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget"

oh regina, of course.

thanks for the reminder.

ps: your new album is

beyond brilliant.

image via ffffound

party, party

Last night a few things happened. And this is how I know I'm growing and getting better.

1. I went to a party because I said I would. Even though it was late. And I was tired. Even though it would have been easier to stay home. But I think it's important to live up to your word. 

2. A guy there told me and my absolutely gorgeous friend, how lovely it is to see girls who look healthy. Ned tried to interpret this word as fat. I told Ned he was wrong. And so I actually took the complement as just that, a complement. 

And while I do really like my friends (most of whom are actors), when the conversation turned to exercise fads and nutrition plans after only twenty minutes, I quietly excused myself and walked to the kitchen to join a different conversation. And I was reminded why exactly I took a year to make health my priority.

I'm winning the war my friends. I am.

Not sure who Ned is? Check my sidebar.

Happy Hunting!

photo via LIFE

i love following LIFE on 

twitter--immediate access

 to the best images

yum yum

i've eaten two apples this week.

this is a really big deal for me.

i don't really like apples. but i'm learning to love them.

take that ned.

confused as to who ned is? i know, me too, but this might help.

i love this yogurt, i love this yogurt, i love this yogurt

i don't like yogurt. it has just never been my thing. most especially i hate the yogurt with actual fruit chunks (and keep in mind i eat almost anything, so this is saying a lot). 

but this morning i made the oh-so-very-adult decision to eat my dan active yogurt and pumpkin flax cereal. 

i believe you can learn to love things you once hated.

when i was little and i didn't like to do something (let's say math) my mom would say, "i love the 500, i love the 500, i love the 500"

the 500, you ask? you're confused, i understand. does anyone remember Dan Jansen? he was this speed skater who endured tragedy after tragedy--a speed skater who could never seem to win that elusive gold medal, or any medal for that matter. and he hated the 500 meters. with a passion. so he would repeat, "i love the 500, i love the 500, i love the 500" and do you know what...his last race, his very last one, ever...the 500...he won it.

that is the story as i remember it. wikipedia has a different idea of how things went down (the seem to think he won the 1,000), but that's neither here nor there (though there version is pretty good too).

guess what ned? i love the 500, i love the 500, i love the 500

and all that makeup, 

in the picture?

i know. but i had to

work for the makeup company

today and they like you to wear

quite a bit. quite a bit, indeed.

Last Friday Dr. Bob and I had a really good talk: Part II.

Dr. Bob did the unthinkable. 

He told me the great secret--how we as Americans will finally lose weight.

It boils down to this...

Food has to become harder to get.

I don't really understand this. Yet. But this is what I do understand. We tend to consume more calories on impulse food choices. And the world we live in conditions us to give in to those impulse food choices. Starbucks on every corner. McDonalds next door. Candy in the check out lane. 

Think about this. If you got the sudden craving for a big honkin' hamburger in the 1950's, how easy would it have been to obtain? How much easer would it be to satisfy this craving today? Food is easy to come by. Too easy. 

So the question then becomes...how do we make food a bit harder to come by? Well...we cook more meals!!

Yes, the great cooking (or rather learning to cook) extravaganza continues. And I must say I'm falling in love with it. My first two endeavors (avocado and lime soup and then curried potatoes) were not especially good, but I did enjoy making them--and I filled up faster. 

My new sidebar "wearing the suit" has to do with something Dr. Bob once said. He told me that the actresses he knows who manage the weight issue best are those that recognize that it's just part of the job. It's like wearing a suit to work--it really is just one component of the job, albeit a necessary one. Right/wrong--it doesn't have to be such an emotional issue. The pictures are the visual to show what 1,800 to 2,000 calories really looks like (I read somewhere that taking pictures of what you eat can be more effective than just writing it down). So right now this will be my little sidebar for the most important job I can think of right now--reclaiming my life, finding happiness.

The brook would lose its song if we removed the rocks. 

Wallace Stegner

Thank God for the rocks and a very happy cooking extravaganza to you!

PS: next time I cook I might just have to try these.

Last Friday Dr. Bob and I had a really good talk: Part I.

The first time I met Dr. Bob he said, "there is no such thing as a bad food." Now we've all heard this before. It's Eating Well 101. But he explained it by saying, "when the body is starving a twinkie might just be the thing to save your life."

Well on Friday we leveled. 

I said, "I want to lose weight." 

He smiled and said, "I know." 

I said, "Help me. How do I do it?" 

And he smiled again and said, "You have to eat at least 1,800 calories a day. Eating 1,800 calories creates a deficit of 200 calories a day and that along with exercise will allow you to lose weight."

"Okay," I said slowly, eyeing him carefully. "How long will it take me to lose ten pounds?"

He did the math in his head, "About three months." 

Ah, three months. Long sigh. So long. Wait a second, silly (the italicized words represent the sane part of me) three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. And you've been trying to lose weight for years with no success. This guy is actually telling you to eat more. More food! How exciting!

Eat more. 

Dr. Bob explained that (and I think this is what he was saying, but don't quote me or him via me on it) eating less than 1,800 calories changes how the brain defines pleasure when it comes to food. Example: sweet food becomes more pleasurable. The body adapts to starvation by becoming increasingly sensitive to rewarding foods like sweets and butters. The body literally prioritizes food by calories. Foods that are "bad" for you become more pleasurable not necessarily because they are off limits, but because you get a large calorie count for not a lot of consumption. 

So I'm going to try. To eat more. Turns out 1,800 calories is a fair amount. And I'm going to enjoy every single one of them, allowing myself indulgences as well as the pleasure of fruits and veggies (homemade guacamole--oh my!). 

I know it seems scary. And I know the question becomes, how can I lose weight when I'm actually taking in more food? Well, by taking in more food (but not too much) you increase your metabolism and allow your body to become more efficient with calories, so that even if you slip up and eat that whole chocolate cake, the body says, no worries--I don't need these calories, I'll just get rid of them. Because not every calorie carries an equal weight. And when you're not starving yourself then your body doesn't feel the need to hoard calories. The body becomes more forgiving. So while it may seem counterintuitive: eating more can help you lose weight. But more importantly it will get you to the weight where your body wants to live.

Part II of my conversation with Dr. Bob has to do with cooking. That will come tomorrow. For some reason I've been putting off writing this post. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm gonna end it here for now in an effort to not push my luck. Part II to come...tomorrow (as well as an explanation of my new sidebar feature).

Baby got back.

I'll never forget one of my very first days at school here in New York when a girl by the name of Gina (who was of African American descent) clicked her pen on my butt and said, "Girl, you got a black girl's booty." I was mortified. I used to just be this skinny, little bean pole from Texas. And I liked that. Well, somewhere along the way I developed an ample (not too ample, but nice and shapely) behind and I've never fully embraced it. 

Well...

It's a new day indeed.

I saw this picture of Michelle Obama in Vogue and  thought, if the first lady is gonna rock out her derriere then it's practically a presidential edict and thus my responsibility as the good, true American I am to embrace my God given asset. 

I mean...look at her...she's divine.

Putting Ned to bed. For good.

I was watching The Biggest Loser when it happened. 

Angela turned to me and asked, "What would Dr. Bob think about this show?".

"Well," I replied, "I don't think he would like it very much." And I started to think about just what Dr. Bob would say. He would say that anytime weight loss becomes the ultimate goal then you set yourself up for failure. He would say it has to be about the process. About changing your lifestyle. 

And it was then that it hit me. What he, what others have been saying all along. Essentially it boils down to this...

If you're not willing to do it everyday for the rest of your life then it just won't work. 

Do you know what that means? It means there is no such thing as a jump start--no cookie diet, or 1,000 calorie diet, or carb-free diet that will catapult me into a place where weight loss becomes a reality. 

And then if you think, okay--so everyday for the rest of my life--that kind of eliminates the idea of losing weight altogether and replaces it with one of your body figuring out where it likes to live--at what weight it feels the healthiest.

Does this make sense?

Everyday for the rest of your life. It sounds scary doesn't it? If it does then you're thinking with a diet mentality. Because in truth, I think it's actually quite freeing. I can't go without carbs everyday, which means I never again have to. Oh, feel that...I'm starting to breathe again.

The whole point is small changes over time. Dr. Bob had me set "going to the gym" as a priority for one week. And that one week blossomed into an almost everyday (but not obsessive) habit. This past week I was meant to up my fruit and veggie count. Thit endeavor has been slightly less successful. Not to worry, I'll try again.

Last year when things got really bad in October my mom flew to New York to stay with me for a week. As sad as I was, it was in many ways the best week of my life. I felt so enveloped in love. We ate lunch in the park everyday. And we saw the Grace Kelly exhibit at Sotheby's. We shopped and bought silly pictures off the men on the sidewalks. After the first day--I remember she made a really good chicken salad with almonds and grapes for lunch--she said, "See you got through one day. And tomorrow will be two days. And then three. And we'll just keep going from there."

I've begun the count again. After my biggest loser revelation it was as if I pulled the sword from the sorcerer's stone (remember that great Disney film? oh, it was so good). It was as though I now had the tool to slay my greatest nemesis. And with the weight of that sword in my hand I became afraid. They tell you to name your eating disorder so that you distinguish it from yourself. But in truth Ned is a product of some part of me. He is of me. And can I kill that part of myself? Well, you all (yes you blogdom lovies (as Micaela would say)), you all are right. I don't need Ned anymore. He is something I will carry with me as part of my past, but he sure as hell doesn't need to be my present or future any longer.

I've just finished day two. I haven't been perfect. Far from it. But I've got the rest of my life to figure out what perfect means to me. 

Day one down. Day two. Let's just keep going from here and see what happens.

In the interest of full disclosure...

The end of Ned has come. I can feel it. Any day now I'll wake to find my bed empty once more. 

I should be celebrating. Should be.

Instead I'm afraid. Any doctor will tell you that an eating disorder sticks around because there is something positive you're extracting from it. I rebelled against this idea for a long time. Nothing good, I would shout. Nothing good has come from him. 

But this is not true. 

Ned makes me feel safe. Think about it...he literally built a second skin for me--a layer of insulation. He is my form of protection from a world that seems overwhelming and unnavigable. He has been my constant companion these past three, almost four years.

And so while I pray for his departure, I also fear it. Letting go of him feels like leaping off a cliff. What will the world look like if I'm not looking through his eyes? 

In some ways my body is rebelling now. Trying to cling to a dying a relationship. Purging him up and out in convulsive spurts. 

I've been bingeing more of late. Like I used to. In the old days. But these worse days lead to better days and I can feel my system cleaning itself. 

But in the interest of full disclosure...sometimes I feel Ned so strongly. Moving inside of me. So strong is he that I can barely breathe. And I wonder if I allow that to happen--if I stop breathing--what will happen? Will my body learn to take air in in a new and different way? A better way? 

Perhaps my skin will break open and my heart will learn to breathe.