i wish there was more time in the day.

time to go to the bank.

to balance my checkbook.

to cook a meal. or clean my room.

to answer all of your questions (they're coming i promise).

to face my twizzler addiction head-on.

to thank each and every one of you for the startlingly powerful and kind comments you bestow on me. to bestow the same on you. as you so richly deserve.

to escape.

to read five books at once.

to call for haircut.

to take a breath.

did i mention that monday was my first day off in three weeks? i'm coming back to you. to myself. deep breath. ahh, see there was time enough for one.

man oh man. fathers.

have you ever heard an actor say, "if you can do anything else [besides act], you should"

well personally, i think that's total bullocks. the best actors should be able to do damn near anything and yet choose to act.

that being said, when you've gone to acting school for four years, it is very easy to feel completely unqualified in a real, working-world setting.

i was telling my father this. and so he sent me the following email.

A while back when we talked, you were upset because you did not feel that you were qualified to do anything. I have been thinking about your concern for some time now and composed the first of two lists. The first list is suitable for printing and putting in a pace where you will see it on a regular basis.



Enjoy, Love Dad.

Sunday, May 18, 2009

Meg

I thought about this for some time and decided you are well qualified to:

Be you
Write your own story
Smile
Sing
Have fun
Love
Be loved
Make a friend
Be a friend
Volunteer
Inspire
Dream
Make dreams come true
Touch a heart
Touch a world
Dance
Be seen
Observe
Process
Compete
Be strong
Be weak
Feel
Stand tall
Be independent
Be political
Support
Laugh out loud
Understand
Bring insight
Create
Be beautiful
Show compassion

Congratulations, you are qualified to do all of the above, or some, or none, your choice. You are also qualified to add to this list at will.

Love, Dad

Man oh man, am I lucky.

Thanks, Dad. You're so right. I am pretty darn qualified.

And pretty darn lucky to have you.

a list of 10 delicious little secrets.

So the lovely shill has given me an award and thus bestowed on me the arduous task of listing 10 very honest things about my oh so secretive life...and since we all know how much I love making lists forgive me if I go beyond 10. does that negate the award?

1. for many years my family had an artificial Christmas tree. what was the catalyst for this decision? well, since you asked... when I was three I was wandering around the backyard and decided to dig up a molasses cookie I had buried there for safe-keeping, weeks before. turns out those things ain't so easy to eat when they've begun the process of fossilization. i started choking, but the parents couldn't hear my cries for help since they were inside fighting over the fresh fir that was shedding all over the living room floor. not to worry, my little fists proved quite effective against the glass window. needless to say it was many years before we ventured back to fresh foliage and to this day no one knows if i was eating the fabled molasses cookie or if it was maybe just a piece of tree bark.  

2. for more years than i'd like to admit I thought the response to a sneeze was gablessyou. i didn't understand that it was meant to be God bless you. 

3. one time, in high school, i accidentally told a guy i loved him. i didn't mean it that way--it just came out. i just mean it in the you're so funny you make me want to pee my pants and my heart kinda flutters when i see you way. turns out it was a brilliant mistake because he turned out to be something of a jerk.

4. i had my first kiss the day before i graduated high school. we dated for a month before ever confessing to ourselves that that's what we were doing. our first date--we saw Kill Bill Volume II. he liked scooby-doo and phish, and had homie figurines in compromising positions, glued all over the inside of his jeep. he always bowled like a 260. and he had no idea what Juilliard was. he was way too cool for me. and yet he treated me with more respect than any guy i've ever known. 

5. the best dream i've ever had involved me being pregnant. it was the most glorious feeling. ever. 

6. the only recurring dream i've had involves me leaving my fiancee at the alter. in each dream the man is always someone i know but with whom i have no romantic involvement or feelings. yet the dreams always come when i start to like someone a little too much. 

7. i've fallen in love one and a half times. getting over guy #1 is the second hardest thing i've ever had to do (someday maybe i'll admit to the first). and guy #1/2 i knew for a night. but it's the closest thing i've ever experienced to love at first sight, because after that one night i knew guy #1/2 was the actual manifestation of everything i could ever hope for. and for the first time since meeting guy #1, i knew there was someone better out there.

8. i believe in choice. we make choices--countless choices--everyday. we wake up and choose to be happy, to be healthy, honest, trustworthy, a person of integrity--the list goes on and on. i do not believe that we choose to fall in love--if only it was that easy. if we could choose to fall in love, life might be a lot easier. however, i do believe that what we do with the love, once we have it--therein lies the choice. to honor it, to nourish it, to accept it, to rebuke, to systematically stamp it out--those are the choices we make everyday. that's what i should have said when he-who-shall-not-be-named and I had this conversation. instead of sitting there silently and nodding in agreement. i pledge to someday tell him everything. absolutely everything. 

9. i believe very strongly in traditions. chief among them...watching The Sound of Music while decorating the Christmas tree. however, i am curious...why do people always watch this movie during the holidays--what does it have to do with it?

10.  every once in a while i watch the pbs documentary, chimpanzees: an unnatural history. and every time i see it, it makes me want to give up everything in place of a life helping out a chimps at havens all over the world. (don't know how i left that out--importance of editing)

11. tonight i don't believe in capitalization (of letters that is). not so sure about the other kind either.

stay tuned for explanation of award, and my nominees...

I have this really fantastic doctor on the Upper East Side. Let's call him Dr. Tom. Dr. Tom keeps me grounded. Very grounded. I've seen a host of psychologists and psychotherapists and psychiatrists in my day. And I must say that I've never met one quite like Tom. 

I actually don't know what his classification is exactly, but he seems to talk about neuroscience quite a bit. Never one for science class (except for a brief fascination with physics) my taking to Tom is quite unexpected. However, when he talks about the human body and the physiological causes and effects of anxiety and its partners in crime, I find comfort in the tangibility of it all. Lots of words, complicated sentences, am I making sense? How to explain this? Learning about the actual science of  it all, makes me feel like my anxiety is something outside myself--something that is changeable--something that doesn't define who I am. 

So last week, after a mini-meltdown, Dr. Tom asked me to make two lists. Comparative lists, if you will. The first was to be a list of all those things that make up who I am. The next was all those things that make up who I am when anxiety is sittin' pretty in the driver's seat. Easy enough. 

As this week passed things would come to me in spurts. I'd be on the subway and think how when anxiety is around I don't like to sit on the train. Or take pictures. I spend money on silly things that I can't afford (like trashy magazines) and I avoid the gym at all costs. I sleep longer than usual and become lazy. Anxiety manifests itself in a million little ways so the latter list was quite long. But I never really took the time to fill out the former--the list of those things that define me in my truest and purest state. But why need I? I know those things, I didn't have time to write them all down. 

Dr. Tom pounced on this--said that perhaps I didn't write the list because I wasn't actually sure I knew the things that make me me. And that inability to identify is a breeding ground where anxiety festers before it slithers in and fills the cracks. 

But I guess the real problem wasn't my inability to identify certain characteristics--it was my unwillingness to even try.

So here I go, giving it a go. Here's my list of those things that make me who I am. Because at the end of the day, there are some things I know. Tangible. Tangible things, so that when anxiety attempts to knock me over I can simply hold fast to my list, laugh, and say, "weebles wobble but they don't fall down." Me being the weeble of course...

The sound of John Legend's voice tickles my fancy. Okay, okay...so maybe it just plain turns me on. But not in the way you're thinking, but more in the i'll-dance-on-the-subway-platform-if-i-want-to and a this-smile-ain't-cuz-of-any-guy kind of way. Most especially the song "It Don't Have to Change" (Times is hard and things are a'changin'/I pray to God that we can remain the same/All I'm tryin' to say is our love don't have to change/ No it don't have to change)

I clean house best, right before I go away on vacation. 

I'm always going to splash about in rain puddles. 

I'm a Bruce Springsteen kinda gal. Interpret that as you will.

I love wearing baseball caps. And I love history.

I'm always up for a game of kickball, capture the flag, foosball, or an all-night Super Mario Brothers' marathon. Sega, anyone?

I love to ski. Fast. And the man I marry better be able to keep up. 

I like pizza and cheeseburgers and my idea of a perfect date involves one of the aforementioned food items. 

There's nothing like going to the ballpark to see America's pastime. Though, some day I'd like to take in the World Cup.

I think I might elope to Rome. 

I want to see the world. All of it. Prague, Mumbai, Morocco, Singapore. I want to live all across Europe. I want to act on the West End--then I'll get to wear galoshes to and from work every day.

One of my strongest fantasies is that of my lover singing "Isn't she lovely" while wearing only boxer briefs and socks (I know, I know, it sounds a little Risky Business, but maybe Tom Cruise actually did one thing right, albeit a very long time ago--doesn't Valkyrie look awful?). 

I want Yo-Yo Ma to play at my wedding. Impractical? I refuse to be restricted by such labels.

I cannot play the game by anyone else's rules. I just can't. Even if I try, my body rebels.

I love to dance around my apartment. And the wood floors are very conducive to sock-sliding.

I'm a Libra which means my moral compass is always working overtime. Often to my own detriment. 

I hold on to things that any normal person would forgive and forget. I have a memory like a steel trap. 

I've always wanted glasses. I think they're super sexy.

I'm getting the sense that this is getting to be too much all at once, but I'm sure more will follow as it comes.  

On a separate note, I got to catch Twilight with my lovelies. And I hadn't realized how much I've missed my friends. I laughed through the entire thing, but didn't feel so bad cuz Sarah talked through the entire thing. This didn't stop her from shooting dirty looks my way for my incessant giggles (oh, I have, have, have missed her being all the way in Chicago).

Our Equus superstar...

So good looking. My number goes up just by being in their vicinity...

"You can quote me on that...if you want...on your Blog." Or...10 things you should know about me.

1. MJ (the roommate) hints at things he thinks I should put on the blog. All the time. He's becoming the ghostwriter. And annoying...god, I love him.

2. I hate going to the post office. Hate it. The people who work there move at a snail's pace. This makes me violent.

3. I often write letters and never send them (see above for possible explanation).

4. I almost never take the pills I've been prescribed. This gets me in trouble as strep throat tends to require that the first round of antibiotics be completed. Otherwise it comes back. With avengeance. And I end up sitting in a movie theatre silently sobbing because I can hardly breathe or swallow or think.

5. Once upon a time I was in love. 

6. I do not understand people who think it's okay to cut into a clearly established line.

7. I often offer up incorrect spellings of words. Waist instead of waste (Freudian slip?). Sense instead of scents. I ask for your patience with this as they're (not their) all over the place.

8. Pictures are my last frontier. I've gotten to a place where I can feel pretty good about my body, but I look at pictures and still get a fright each time. So, this is may way of saying...the pictures will come...give me time and they will come....I'm working on it.

9.  Tomorrow is my first day off in about as long as I cam remember. And thank goodness for that because this pressure cooker is about to pop (break? blow? I'm bad in the kitchen, remember--so even the analogies confuse me). 

10. I've been sleeping on an air mattress for about three weeks now. And right now it's got my name all over it. So, goodnight and here's to hoping I find an actual bed sometime before the year's end.

9 ways I know I'm growing up

1. I've given up soda. Not entirely, but almost. Benefits: I'm not filling my body with chemicals (well, not in this form anyway) and think of all the money saved! Now when I get the hankering for that soda rush, I reach for the water bottle.

2. I've put my beloved Prada bag up for sale on ebay. It's a matter of cash flow. I needmoney flowing in. And when I prance around Manhattan, so uber chic, with my Prada bag swinging in the wind, money tends to flow out...and out...and out. 

3. I have three jobs. One involves going to birthday parties and teaching kids to assemble robots. Ahhh,  the things we do when we're just starting out. 

4. I'm replacing my self imposed egoic image of fearful, with fearless. Fearless. A good word. A good way to live. I wear the word like a tramp stamp on my lower back (metaphorically, of course). 

5. I've given up Starbucks. I know, I know...I didn't think I'd ever see the day either, but it's now.  No more mint mocha chip frappucino lights. And I'll never go back. Not ever. Because just one sip and the addiction will begin again. For the first time, all over again.

6. I dealt with the insurance today. 

7. Today I assuaged my long suffering throat with orange juice (dietary concerns be gone!) and assorted berries (including blueberries, which I loathe) instead of the much preferred, cool, transiently soothing, but oh-so-good Tasti-Delite. That's the next addiction to go. I can feel my wallet growing already from all the money saved. 

8. I ran errand, after errand, after errand. And wrote email, after email, after email.

9. And at the end of the day I thought, my life is my own. And I don't know that I've ever fully possessed a more beautiful phrase in all my life.  

Tomorrow I will be 23 years and one week old and I am happy.

Because I bought the most gorgeous pair of black boots today. Meaning, my tattered and well-worn brown boots that I once loved so much are hidden away in the back of a closet in Montclair, because I finally came to agree with my mom: they're not so cute on. Style trumps comfort? I'm growing up indeed.

Because my room is blue. And mine. And I've done it all myself. Okay...so maybe Rob put the Ikea furniture together...but I've done it all by myself almost.

Because I'm learning that the any emotion that lives within us at any one given moment never has a problem being there. It's our unwillingness to coexist with it and explore it that creates the tension. So when I'm sad...the sadness within is not anything other than just exactly what it is. And its okay to let it chill there for a little while. Because while it is in me, it is not of me. Confusing? I know...I gotta get better at explaining it. And accepting it. And living it.

Because I'm figuring everything out. Which means it will all change in no time.

Because after reading Naomi's post about spooking herself, my bag of hangers fell over (of their own volition) and I near jumped out my skin. Imagine that last phrase said in a deep twang of a Texas accent.

Because my bangs are finally growing! Which means the rest of it must too, right? Even if it's still red?

Because I saw the cutest guy on the subway today. Wearing white converse tennies. And he smiled at me and I smiled back. And then got embarrassed because I couldn't stop smiling. And I think I fell a little bit in love right there in that moment. Resolution Fall In Love a Hundred Times a Day...well on its way, thank you very much. Sometimes (and that's a very qualified sometimes) the one train is worth it. 

Because I live in the epicenter of one of NYC's many great singles' meccas. And I love it. Turns out I really do love NY. Alot. I'd just been living in the wrong place the last four years. So now I'm falling in love with NY for the very first time, all over again. 

Mmmmm...yes, this is right. 

I can't get out of bed this morning.

I had forgotten that when the weather turns chilly its so much harder to get out of bed. Maybe that's because in my previous life on the Upper West Side the heater was so overbearing I almost succumbed to the hand of heat stroke at least twice a day. Damn nonadjustable heating system.

Oh yeah...and all I've been craving lately is a really good foot massage. Not one of those pansy pedicure ones. But an all out invasion on the muscles of my feet. Where does one find such a thing?

And because I'm thinking of it and if I don't write it down here I might forget. Random posting ideas for the future...Sam Shepard, my NY apt. horror stories (the heating was only the tip of the iceberg), and Halloween/ birthday reminiscences (they're coming up you know).

If there is a list to be made I will find it and I will make it...

because now...I have this...

It's like the secret weapon of to do lists and love lists and "the secret" lists and gratitude lists. 

And speaking of gratitude let me start here. 

Thank you. Thank you for this beautiful gift and your friendship and love and constant support. Thank you for opening your arms to me and making me feel at home. Thank you for your constant presence and the promise of future adventures. Thank you for all those things that I will never adequately be able to give voice to.

All the love I have,

Meg