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12.09.2010

the "to be continued" part of yesterday's post.


hospice.


i got the tree today. from my canadian tree farmer. just over the hill.

i walked home hugging the bundle close against my chest--my stomach. the wind whipping off the hudson burning my exposed hands. i nestled into the green and felt safe, warm.

as i looked around my room yesterday, it struck me that the only thing missing was a christmas tree. for 'tis the season and there's nothing i enjoy so much as the scent of pine and the twinkle of lights.


the thing about this summer is that there was a point when i felt stripped of all freedoms. it was no one's fault. not my own. not that of those around me--in fact i will never forget the goodwill and kindness of many--just a strange, unfortunate congruence of events.

i had no way to get from here to there. no room of my own. no space to stake a claim to and declare as private. i was constantly exposed, without the needed escape. so i started taking showers. often. because those few minutes with the water running down and washing me clean were mine and mine alone. i would then take the time to dry my hair (not something i usually enjoy) because it allowed me to stretch the minutes in that tiny, enclosed space where no one could follow.

it was a lesson in returning to the basics. in finding the great pleasure in the simplest of things. many an afternoon found me holding a warm coffee mug. i don't think i ever got past two sips into the thing--i simply wanted it for the warmth between my hands: a universe unto itself, an opening of space in which to seek solace.

perhaps this is why my room, more than ever before, has new meaning--new importance. why i was so struck in the second reading of eat, pray, love by liz gilbert's transformation of her apartment into something of a hospice. why i now take frequent baths--remaining in the water just long enough to soak myself warm. or indulge in hot cocoa late in the evening. perhaps this is why i finally bought a humidifier after years of putting it off due to expense. or why i now can justify fresh flowers every two weeks. why when the friends and family anthropologie sale happened this last go-round i bought pillows and candles as opposed to blouses and bowls. why for christmas i'm asking for a bed skirt (and maybe a new window treatment?).


sometimes it all seems so silly and frivolous--the import i place on such things--how vital they are to my existence.

but on this morning i'm not gonna worry too much about that.

because on this morning i'll sit in my corner, read my book, and allow scent of candles and fresh pine to fill me.

for christmas is coming and i have found a home.

26 comments:

Larissa Wunder said...

there's nothing better than a bath to reorganize my thinking!
love this post... in the last time I love a lot of your posts!
They just fit!
xo

Krysta said...

I think it's rather important to make your living space (especially your bedroom) special. For me, it's a haven in this never stopping city; a place to be calm and recharge; a place that is all my own. I dare say it might be my favorite place in all of New York City!

And I love your quilt and that long pillow on your bed!

Jenni Austria Germany said...

beautiful words, beautiful photo.

Angelica said...

Your writings, especially ones like these, always bring me great comfort.

Thanks Meg!

P.S. Great Blog header by the way!

Shorty said...

Moments alone are priceless. And having one's own space, even just a room, is so important. Deck the halls! It's all yours. :)

Laura Marie said...

I'm someone who invests a lot of importance in my own space, too, and I so, so appreciate this post :) Your room is lovely--especially your little reading nook!

Hope you're having a nice week!
xo Laura Marie

kara lynn said...

i love this so much because i understand.

several years ago i started buying pieces for my room. and finally i have been able to assemble them and create my sanctuary--as it has become for me. yes to making our rooms homes. rather than living quarters.

annie said...

i think sanctuary in my own space is what i've been missing lately. it's a challenge of now sharing {almost} everything with a new husband. i love him, but i miss my space, and it's taking me a while to find it. i think i'll light a candle when i go home tonight and buy some flowers with my groceries...

Joy said...

thank you for this... sometimes i forget the importance of surrounding myself with beauty. loved the post and the pic.

Mackenzie said...

amen, sister! if i'm ever on the verge of going ape$h1t, a shower is the only thing that can turn my day around besides my piano and my dog's kisses. oh, and stolen flowers from other's lawns. hey, i'm on a college student budget. :) but this was beyond lovely, as always.

NatTheFatRat said...

number one, WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR NEW BANNER? i just now saw it and it is beautiful!

number two, you're feeling better and we need to see each other and introduce you to huck!

number three, your room is beautiful. i've always always needed space, which is why even in college i spent whatever money i could on fluffing up my little nests. there is something so satisfying about a tiny corner of the universe that is yours, isn't there? my favorite part of the day is after the baby is sleeping and i get to tidy up my teeny apartment. it just makes me feel so peaceful, and so connected to my mother in a strange way. anyway. i loved this post, and i love your tree!

Jessica said...

The tree is fantastic! Your room is adorable - I wish mine had half so much warmth. I also love how earnestly honest your posts are. Enjoy the pine scent!

Jessica Tingey said...

You just get it. Truly.

Alexa said...

Beautiful post, as always. And your tree is so adorable!

communikate. said...

what a pretty little place to rest your head.

L.L. said...

Your room is lovely. :) With your last few posts about your space and your reading chair, I have been wondering - what kinds of books do you like to read?

cristie said...

this looks like a cozy place for you to nest and regroup at the close of each day. xox

Brittany said...

i'm a bad reader because i just now noticed your new banner! googlereader enables my laziness. it's so beautiful! also, i truly believe in feathering your nest because when you have a safe, beautiful place to live in, you can be your best self. i'm asking for sheets and strainers and all sorts of weird things for christmas. love it.

Hazel said...

a sanctuary is something we all need, its not frivolous, its a place of calm, to feel safe and protected.

Your tree looks beautiful.

Welcome home.

Ramona said...

the feeling of being home, of being where you belong is so precious and so heart warming you want to hold it forever.
Can totally understand you! Thanks for sharing!

gypsydreamer said...

I love these last two posts so much! I have been reading your blog for a while now, and have become totally addicted. Your writing is so "real" and from the heart, much more authentic than so many of the blogs out there. I have wanted to start a blog for ages now, and I must say that your blog has given me the courage to start my own! :)

Just keep doing what you're doing - you're fantastic!

christine said...

I love your little space. I've been working for over a year to make my apartment a sanctuary and slowly but surely I'm getting there. You are too.

Enjoy the twinkle lights.

MissAlyssa said...

i love my me time... i dont know what id do without it! i am the same way this year... focusing on my home instead of buying up clothes and shoes! im very into organizing and beautifying my house right now!!

Kelly said...

I love reading your posts b/c you write in such a beautiful way, and you write about things that I can relate to. You took the words right out of my head with this post. I lived at home with my parents this summer, and there was no space to call my own (I share a room with my sister). After a year of living in my own room, I felt anxious there was no private retreat. So I took baths. All the time. And when I moved into my apartment, I did everything I could (and still do everything I can) to make my room feel like a place of solace.

melissa said...

I have been a long time reader of your lovely blog... and almost every single post you write speaks to me in some way. Your words often explain feelings or thoughts that I didn't know how to. In short, you are the breath of fresh air in my google reader and I can't thank you enough for sharing all that you share with us.

Your faithful reader,

Melissa H.

Jay said...

Congrats on your little tree :) It looks lovely!