domestic determination.

i'm not sure when exactly or even how it happened...

but.

i find myself falling in love with the kitchen.

cooking.

and baking.

(mostly baking).

and i suddenly woke one day to find that i'd amassed so many different types of flours (quinoa, coconut, garbanzo) and powders (cocoa, carob, and on) that my kitchen shelves were out of control.

though a quick trip to the container store and a swish of chalkboard paint and things are looking a little better. not totally organized, but certainly on the way there.

anyone got any good recipes for me?

to my one-day-pal:

dear love,


i get blue. sometimes. often, maybe. i lean in that direction. and then, sometimes more, i lean into it. the blue.

and when i do, i can be convinced--or rather, i convince myself--that, well... a change in hair color can change my life.

yes. hair color.

and the thing is. it doesn't. and i end up hating it. and spending far too much time scrub-a-dub-dubbing it away in the shower.

so in those moments--those quiet lulls when you feel me fading, pull me close, kiss my lips, and promise that you won't let me touch my tresses--because you think they're perfect just as they are.

hell, you think i'm perfect just as i am.




love, love,

the girl with the hair with the auburn cast (for now)

hudson heights.

when i was a little girl my father was constantly traveling to russia.

he'd return with beautiful items from the one of the country's many outdoor markets. small wooden toys. intricately carved santas. hand-painted matryoshka dolls detailing native fairy-tales. and from these items i gleaned what i could from a country that felt a world away. a lifetime away, really.

i remember once dreaming that i was there, in russia, swinging on a swing set. i went to jump off (as children do at the peak of a swing when you're young and without fear) and off i flew. and off i fell--off the edge of the world--i disappeared from the image. as though the world was two-dimensional and i had died. (think old-school video games).

that was my impression of russia. that the world was flat and russia was the edge.

sometimes that's how i feel about my little corner of new york. aslant on the hill. just next to the river. quiet.

and at the edge of the earth.

as though at any moment i might simply fall from the screen.

lovely.

happiness is always a by-product. 
it is probably a matter of temperament, 
and for anything i know, it may be glandular.
but it is not something that can be demanded 
from life, and if you are not happy you had
better stop worrying about it
and see what treasures you can pluck
from your own brand of unhappiness. 


robertson davies woulaok

a letter to the man i'll dance with long after the guests have gone and the dance floor is little more than worn wood and wet grass,

have i ever told you i want to walk down the aisle to cat steven's the wind?


well, i do.

a giveaway for this (almost) spring week...

i'm so very excited to start this week off on the right foot.

the right foot, you ask? 

a giveaway, i say!

from none other than shabby apple--you know--the women's dress store that you've already, at one point, purchased numerous items from, or drooled incessantly over their images. 

if not--if this is your first brush with them--well, then welcome out from under that their rock and bask in the bright ray of sunshine that is their collection. (holy moly, it's the monday after spring forward and sass is my middle name). 

shabby apple focuses on creating dresses that are one-piece outfits, nothing else necessary. they are ultra-feminine and highly flattering. 

one lucky reader will take home the waimea dress. 

isn't it lovely? i want it. (desperately). it's a deep blue and white--my calling card. and scallops? swoon. (i may also have been swayed by how beautiful the model is).

to enter: visit shabby apple and leave a comment below. tweet, post to facebook, or like shabby apple on facebook for a second entry. (and then comment letting me know).

the entry will close wednesday at midnight and the winner will be announced thursday. 

(open to u.s. residents only). 

happy monday. it's gonna be a good week!

mark the date: next sunday.

if you're planning on attending and haven't gotten an email from me with the location then send a message my way. 

and just so you know: my roommate amanda has read the book and has some mighty strong feelings about mr. earnest hemmingway and she won't be holding back. so come forewarned and prepared. 

my manhattan: dark woods, intersecting lines, and sumptuous feasts.

the mac boys did a bang-up job and i'm deeply indebted to them for the return of the computer in all its glory. coffee be damned!

i'll be back next week with things to say and (even--i hope) a giveaway!



i just want to take this moment to send my prayers to japan and beyond. this natural disaster is another startling reminder of the earth's undeniable power and as one tweet said "that we're just guests on this planet." it then falls to us to treat the earth with respect and reverence--to preserve the tenuous balance that mother nature lords over--we can do this in what we choose to eat, how we harvest food and animals, consumption of all kinds and on and on. now is the time to say prayers, give thanks, and go about enacting change.

till monday...

the head and the heart. my love affair rages on.

they've just released a music video. their first, their second? not sure, reports vary.

 but because i love them and would follow them to the ends of the earth just to hear their music, i thought i'd share. 

ps: my personal mac may or may not be at some warehouse somewhere in the greater new york area getting repaired. there may or may not have been an incident with coffee that led to it's breakdown. 

posting may be sparse until it is returned to me. 

(a big thanks to my roommate amanda for lending me her computer for this and the previous post). 

FED: my five-point roadmap

i've said this before and i'll say it again. i thought the end of my eating disorder would come with the speed and force of a mack truck. (in a good way). 

i figured i'd be waking across the street, a sudden impulse would prompt me to turn and then

and it'd be over. done. and i'd be free.

turns out it hasn't really happened that way.


it has been inches. slow crawling inch after slow crawling inch.

when this recent funk hit i took a deep breath, thought, been there, done that, then realized my familiarity with the thing was not a get out of jail free pass. took a longer inhale, getting air into the space between my toes and reminded myself that this too shall pass. only then did i go about doing everything my capable little hands could do to crawl and claw my way out of the trench.


my version of trench warfare? full fat mochas (they feel luxurious and indulgent--make me think i'm on vacation). afternoon tea with girlfriends. indulging in massages at that place on 80th that sections of the tables with nothing more than clothes lines and bed sheets. painted red nails. a trip to boston. hurtling down icy northeastern ski-slopes. tickets to see noah and the whale. and investing in a very lovely, lovely cannon (i may not be able to crawl out of this funk, but perhaps i can photograph from within it?).


and so it has gone for the last six weeks: a funk. and so it goes. deep and encompassing. an overriding sense of apathy. and a feeling of claustrophobia--suffocating in my own skin.


and yet.


it's been bearable (as most funks prove to be).


and even a little exhilarating. exhilarating, you ask?


yes.


because the eating disorder (ned) has been so quiet.


yes it's still there. but somehow now it's not so important.


in the past the funk would come. and i would eat. and the eating disorder would quickly spiral. and the feelings and sensations that would follow i would label as such: that pesky ned, rearing his disastrous, hellish head once more.


but this go round the feelings and sensations came and the eating disorder didn't.


illumination. for better or for worse, illumination.


and another step forward.

a little while back a reader emailed asking for advice in dealing with her own eating disorder. in replying to the email i realized i was mapping my own little trail of recovery. and because i am slightly better and because it was national eating disorder week just two weeks ago and because why not? i thought i'd share:  so here goes. my five-point road map to mental health:


1. get help. find a therapist. a really, really, really good one. one who specializes in eating and weight disorders. (i can't emphasize this enough. if nothing else, please get help). it is unbelievably difficult to deal with an eating disorder, but to struggle alone is nearly crushing.


in looking for help, trust your gut. i sought out medical professional after medical professional before i found one who could give me a correct diagnosis. (two doctors, and four therapist--the fifth therapist was able to diagnose me, and the sixth (tom) literally gave me life back). there is a huge amount of mis-information and lack of information out there regarding eating disorders and not everyone who should be able to help can. 

2. figure out how food can be about more than just necessity. and more than just pleasure. for me the decision to become a vegetarian was an easy and practical (and meaningful, might i add) way to make food bigger than myself--it took some of the selfishness i was struggling with out of the equation. i do recognize that going vegetarian isn't for everyone. may i suggest volunteering at a food bank or soup kitchen? reacacquaint yourself with what it means to really need a warm meal--and fill yourself up in the process (i find goodwill much more filling than any of the many flavors of ben and jerry's--and i've tried them all, so i should know).

3. fall in love with kitchen. or try. at least, try.

i don't love to cook. but i'm working on it. it began with my hour long bake potato. from there i figured out that cinnamon in tomato-basil soup is delightful. i now make a mean vegan banana bread and pretty darn good raw chocolate chip cookie (made from cashews and oatmeal). making your own food is good for you--studies have been done indicating that when you make your own food and there is some time and process involved, you end up eating less because you fill up faster. i like that my baked potato takes an hour to make--i don't want to shorten that process. 

4. experiment, experiment...in life. do things you don't want to do. that you wouldn't usually do. go to a party. flirt with a guy. take risks on a daily basis (they don't have to be big). wear those skinny black pants before you're ready. exercise in spandex (even if you feel naked in them the first few times). take someone up on an invitation even if you're afraid you won't know anyone else. 

5. and exercise. (for the mental aspect of it). i can't emphasize this enough. i've been exercising consistently for years now. but it took going to physique for me to really get all the benefits that exercise has to offer. yes, in part because physique is tremendously good for the body--but more because it challenged my mind--forced me so far out of my comfort zone and provided my mind with a whole new set of skills to tackle. for me it elevated exercise form something i had to do to something of a personal practice. and the most important thing i've taken away (even more important than increased bone density) is the knowledge that it gets easier. pain changes and morphs. and everything, every sensation passes. in life to. exercise as metaphor! meaning all those pesky sensations and emotions that i would attempt to self-medicate by binge eating would pass if i just gave them time enough--lived through them.  

this list is by no means comprehensive or all-inclusive. there are so many other things i could include like recognizing patterns and identifying those aforementioned pesky emotions, but much of those things can be done with the help of a really great therapist. and if you are really, truly in the throws of an eating disorder, or even if you're struggling with disordered eating, i can't recommend finding help enough.


also, know this: i still struggle. often. i have good days and bad days and in-between days. i eat too much sugar and too much processed food. i'm not a whiz in the kitchen. and the last month i've found it much more difficult to get to exercise class. i still strive for perfection when i know--in my bones, i know--that perfection and the pursuit of it is not good for my health. but i am better. and i continue to get better. and that is something to celebrate and applaud.


small victories. small victories.

the best thing about going to juilliard...

...was getting to see the dancers at work. hands down. best part. world renown choreographers would come in and put on these shows. and holy smokes. it was like moving light on a stage. all of it.

but a few times a year the students would make their own pieces. and in the end there was nothing more remarkable than that. 

many sunday mornings a little band of us--myself (an actor), two dancers, and a bassist would traipse to some part of the city to put on an hour-long variety show at a nursing home or aids facility or the like. and each sunday, carolyn would perform the solo from the video below. and each sunday it took my breath away.

so when this popped up on my facebook this morning i just had to share. carolyn (the lead in the middle) is really something.

i don't get to see everyone dance anymore. not all together at least. and i don't act so much myself now. but i see something like this and i remember:

once upon a time we all made magic.

(we still do, yes, but it's different. changed.)

choegraphed by bret easterling.

song: die alone by ingrid michaelson

dancers: carolyn rossett, rachelle rafailedes,

charlotte bydwell, allysen hooks, 

sarah murphy, julia stiefel, 

chelsea ainsworth, esmye boyce, 

stephanie amurao

these are my two truths (as of late).

1. i've been feeling a little low. for a little while now.

2. and i've gotten myself a camera.

somehow these two things are related. and while i'll expound on the connection at a later date, this post is just to say...

turns out a good camera can make a girl feel pretty darn good.

beautiful, even.

and when you've been feeling a bit blue, that's surely something.

i took the plunge.

and got myself a cannon EOS 60 D. and also, as it turns out, a new hobby.

just a thought.

once upon a time not so very long ago i dated a man who should have made me very happy.

and he did.

sometimes.

but sometimes in the cool darkness of another day done i felt a low, rolling sadness.

deep and soft.

it was my friend angela who pointed out what a big thing that was. i would go on and on about all the reasons i should like him and all the reasons i was struggling in the relationship and she'd kinda look at me from out the corner of her eye and say: but you're sad when you're with him.

and that would be that.

the end of the discussion.

sometimes i wonder if that's what this city has become for me. a place i should love. a place i work hard each day to convince myself that i could love. when truth be told, the city makes me sad. a low, rolling sadness.

deep and soft.