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3.29.2013

It didn't get any better.


I really did intend for yesterday to be better.

The best of intentions...

Wedding-day-dress-shopping-day-two. No need to dress quite so fancy. I'd wear flats, loafers. I'd don makeup and a pair of pedal-pushers (Remember that term? Let's bring it back, shall we?), but I'd be comfortable. Myself.

I wouldn't overreach.

And so there was to be no incident.

I got on the F train. Decided not to transfer to the 6. I'd ride it as far as I could in Manhattan and then just walk a bit.


But I was a little late.

And the train ride was so long. And there was a little anxiety--I started to have a little anxiety. About everything and nothing. And all I could think was, I'm gonna need a good cry today.

And some months it's hormones, you know? Some months even I'm floored that as the hormones surge, emotions go amok.

I got off at 63rd and Lex.

Let it be known that I hate the Upper East Side. I just do. And the station there at 63rd is like four full flights of (long) stairs underground--by the time I made it to the street I was more than a little out of breath.

So I decided to hail a cab--I thrust my arm into the air and took off to the corner. At which point I collided with a woman who was walking forward as she looked behind her. It was both of our faults. But because of the physics of how we were moving and something, she remained upright, while I went absolutely flying. I mean...even I was shocked by the force with which I hit the ground. She helped me up at which point she made some comment about that's what happens when two people aren't looking--making sure to include herself, but...I was already on the mat. Actually and metaphorically and I didn't need a lecture.

I climbed into the cab. A little bit humilited and a little bit shaken--a tear in my pedal pushers. And that's when I had a panic attack. Trying not to cry, and trying desperately to get some air to my lungs, and the cab driver...bless him, was just. out of his. depth.

Don't cry, don't cry, you make me cry.

I crawled out of the cab at the bridal salon and into the arms of my friend Joy. She couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing--and to her credit, both were happening: messily and all at once.

Some weeks you just can't win.

Spilt coffee, cut knees. A whole lotta mess.

Some weeks New York is just too hard.

15 comments:

Hey guys! Cheers!! said...

Thanks for sharing. I totally feel you on this. I'm sure this happens everywhere, but it's the hustle and bustle and grind of the commute in New York that acts as an emotional accelerator sometimes. Hope your day gets better.

Sophia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brittan said...

Oh Meg. New York is SO hard. People envy (and miss, in my case) life in the city so much, but it really does take a toll on you. I remember one day I was already having the hardest day, and a guy ran by me in Washington Square Park, grabbed my hair and yanked it as hard as he could. I just sat down on a bench and sobbed inconsolably right there. Once I had a horrific panic attack in an empty subway car that was stuck between Manhattan and Brooklyn. This is just to offer some solidarity. Keep on, it will get better.

Jessica said...

Oh honey. I'm so sorry.

Maybe it's not just New York. I definitely don't live in New York and have days like this periodically where I just want to throw my hands up and walk away. Last night was one of those for me too. Luckily, right as I was about to give myself over to two hours of angry cardio, a friend called in a similar mood and suggested Thai food. It feels good to have arms to fall into and laughter to fill the spaces between the tears.

All of this is just to say you're doing ok and hang in there and I hope today is better.

Savannah Layne Morgan said...

Some days you just need a good sob. Thanks for sharing to all of us that feel the same way but think no one else does.

Heather said...

Been, there, done that, absolutly no fun. Except it was in D.C. on a metro train, to a place I don't even remember, but def. a lot of deep breaths and stars in the eyes.
Sounded like a big hunk of sugar or a sip of an adult beverage kind of day to me.

Ana said...

I'm so sorry you've had a bad week! But hey, we've all been there! It does get better... it just has to, right?! :)

Kayla said...

Is it wrong to say I adore posts like this? Posts where you learn that bloggers you find amazing are real people like you? They cry, they have hard times, and sometimes they make fools of themselves. Like you. Hope your weekend is filled with much more cheer - but stays just as real!

Memoirs & Mochas

Shawnee said...

your words of hardship and tears are just as beautiful - and relatable. in my case--traffic and cars and the responsibility of a car. i dream of living in a city where i don't need to drive a car because somedays, it's just too hard.

on other things and sometimes nothings in life, those crys are always the best -- although built up for far too long, the best. much-needed.

thank you for always being true. xo

Meghan said...

Oh meg! Sometimes a hug is all anyone ever needs at the end of a bad day!

Jacob Phelps said...

Meg! I totally understand - we all have weeks like that!

christinerojas said...

This post is so comforting to me. I had a very similar episode this morning. Not quite as eventful but just as powerful. Some weeks Anywhere is just too hard.

Thank you for this :)

Julie said...

Aww, I hear you Meg.
Why does life needs to get so rough sometimes anyway?

But everything will be alright you know, spring's on is way :)

Lottie Simm said...

sometimes living in a city just gets to you--they amount of trains i have literally just missed recently makes me think the city is not on my side at the moment.

Natalie said...

i so feel you on having those nothing is going right days. you deserve a bubble bath!