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the journey home {off switch magazine}

Screen Shot of my article in OFF SWITCH MAGAZINE

In the fourth grade I went to the rodeo with my friend Rachel Keenan. The two of us climbed onto the sizzler, a spinning contraption in the parking lot outside, and just as I turned to complain that it wasn’t spinning and sizzling fast enough, the thing started moving with such force that I couldn’t lift my head from the seat. I don’t know that I’ve ever laughed so hard.

I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking about that moment of late, but I have. And I’ve been thinking about how just after my college auditions I took a cab with my mother to the airport and fell asleep with my head in her lap. These are the moments that make a life. These small, seemingly insignificant moments that only in hindsight can a person point to and say yes, that moment there—that was a really good day.

The night I moved I sat on the floor of my new apartment, boxes everywhere, the bedframe pushed up against one of the curtain-less windows. I was freshly showered, a glass of Oyster Bay Savinguon Blanc next to me, and as tired as I’ve ever been. It was the end of an impossibly long day in which, with the help of my two best girlfriends, I packed everything of worth into a U-haul and hurtled south to Brooklyn, where we then pushed and pulled and dragged all that worth up three flights of stairs into a tiny studio apartment that leans, just a little, to the right.

We did it ourselves, the three of us, Kim and Ashlea and me. And at some point during the worst of it Ashlea made me promise that for the next move I’d hire a company and we’d sit in lawn chairs drinking sweet drinks with small umbrellas while we watched as someone else did what we were doing now. Stuck between the second and third floor, my arms shaking under the weight of a box of books I wasn’t now sure I needed, I gave in: yes, next time, yes—but please God, don’t let that next time come anytime soon.

There were countless moments during the day in which I thought, for sure, we wouldn’t make it—we couldn’t possibly come out the other side. So at the end of it all, that box of books tucked safely away, we each poured a glass of wine, took a shower, and readied ourselves for a celebratory dinner. Even as it was happening, I knew. Even as I watched the girls search through my clothes and put on makeup and laugh, I thought, well, this here, we’re living through the best of it. This is one of those moments. It was remarkable in that hindsight wasn’t necessary. I could feel the moment printing itself on me even as it was happening. A tangible sort of happiness.

I don’t remember much of what followed--what we ate once we finally got out the door or what was said as night crept towards morning, but I do remember that at the end of it all, in those slow and sacred hours when the night is a particular sort of black, the sky opened up and it rained.

A cleansing. A fresh start. A new world.

I moved to New York at the age of eighteen and have spent the subsequent eight years here looking for a home—searching for a place where those moments that make a life—those moments that occasionally happen at the rodeo or in the airport or after an impossibly long day—could accumulate, take root and grow.

The night of the move, Kim, searching through my stuff for a pair of shoes, asked in which box I had put my high heels.

There isn’t a box, I said. I don’t own any.

--because I need some for this outfit, she continued, only to stop, turn her head. What do you mean? What do you mean you don’t own any?

I just—well, I don’t.

What?! She screeched. Why?

Because I don’t like them. Don’t worry about it, girls in Brooklyn don’t wear heels, I finished.

This isn’t entirely true. Girls here wear clogs and platforms and winter boots well into summer months, but heels—the kind of heels that Kim was talking about—you’d be hard pressed to find them here.

Perhaps this is one of the ways I knew that after eight years of Manhattan living Brooklyn was the place to be.

No high heels and an abundance of trees.

Now that I am here in this small neighborhood with which I am undoubtedly, unquestionably, desperately in love I wonder why I didn’t move sooner.

But the thing is, I didn’t know at eighteen that I would be the girl to eschew high heels. Didn’t know I’d be the girl to use the word eschew. Didn’t know I’d wake each morning and make myself a latte. Didn’t know it’d be men with dark hair and deep-set eyes that would invariably undo me.

I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know heartbreak. I didn’t know loss. And I sure as hell didn’t know failure. And without these things I knew very little of myself. It has taken eight years and many, many mistakes to piece together a picture of who I am and what I want.

And it is upon these things that a home is built.

I used to think that the I-don’t-knows were the point of this life. Which is to say the things that transcended understanding were what gave meaning to this earth-bound existence. But as I get older (and, I hope, a little wiser) the I-don’t-knows don’t hold so much sway. I like not only to love something, but to know why I love it—to be able to say why I love it.

The area in which I live now—the area I will proudly tell people I am building a home in—well, it was love at first sight. And immediately I knew I could explain and give voice to my wonder: the trees—the explosion of green, the Catholic Church one block south, the absence of tall buildings, the front yards and back yards and corner bars, the pace with which I naturally walk here—slower—markedly different from the speed I use to dodge tourists in midtown Manhattan.

Eight years ago I would have gotten off the train at Carroll street and I would have been smitten, but I couldn’t have told you why. I only know now—I can only say now because I know myself. Because I’ve circled back to that girl I was at five, at eight—the one who without fear got on the sizzler—the one who at seventeen chose a conservatory theatre program over an ivy league education—a fearless creature was she: a girl who knew she’d always take trees over concrete; a girl not interested in bright lights or sky-high heels or the cutout of a city skyline; the girl who would grow up to fall in love with a small and diverse neighborhood, who would love the old New York with its cobblestone streets and turn of the century charm.

Eight years. It took eight years in Manhattan to build a home within myself. To forget who I was and what I knew and what I wanted so that I could be surprised and delighted and totally in awe as I journeyed back to myself.

I didn’t move to Brooklyn any sooner because I wouldn’t have known it was for me. The eight year old in me would have known, yes, but I had yet to reclaim her. And now that I have, all I can say is, holy hell was it worth the wait.


KristyWes said...

"To forget who I was and what I knew and what I wanted so that I could be surprised and delighted and totally in awe as I journeyed back to myself."

Aww. This is beautiful. And "holy hell" - I want this for me (and everyone), too. :)

Good stuff, lady.

Jeneric Generation said...

Beautiful article. Hindsight is enlightening but I love the moments when you know, at the time, that you are figuring things out. And when you can make sense of past events, it just makes you smile and shrug in contentment, doesn't it? I love the way you capture the excitement of this phase in our lives. Well done.

stephanie said...

I'm sick with jealousy that you got to interview Seth -- The Avett Brothers is my favorite band! I got to meet the band at a show a few years ago and they were delightful. Go you!

L.A. said...

Lovely article. To know one's self, what a beautiful thing.

Sara said...

Good, good read! :)

Grace said...

Easily one of my favorite pieces of yours! Well done!

Francesca Forzoni said...

that was truly stunning - absolutely beautiful x

Natalie said...

so much love for this, reread it three times now

Arianna said...

You are the most incredible writer. I can't get over this. So beautifully worded. I know exactly how you feel!

Juanna Hope Sia said...

your writing and perspectives; awes me all the time. so glad i found your site, you're on my iphone shortcuts (:

Alexa said...

i went to college 3 hours from home and moved to nyc just after graduation, and think so often about the timing of that choice. any other time and i, too, wouldn't have recognized what was for me here. it's a funny old life :)

Jacob Phelps said...

This was great! congrats!

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Sophie said...

That was beautiful Meg, congratulations.

Emily said...

Holy hell, Meg; this is wonderful writing.

becky said...

I needed to read this on this very night. I needed to stay in and absorb these words in, rather conversely, an outpouring of tears.

I graduated today. And nearly six months ago, I had my heart well and truly shattered by a boy I still love. He didn't come to the ceremony today and despite myself, despite my standing next to the aged selflessness of my father and the stalwart that my mother continues to be, I missed him. In the marrow of my bones, I missed him. And I still cannot fathom the lies that surround our breakup or our relationship or what I should or shouldn't have believed - and because of that I cannot fathom that feeling of absence. But my life sure feels full of those, lately. Absences and gaps.

But reading this, it gave me hope. Because at the same time, I am just learning to construct things again: I am just learning to understand myself and my likes and the things I so greatly need. I am just learning to build that home within myself. I hope I someday get as much perspective as you have - believe me, if I have half the courage and perseverance and overwhelming wisdom that you do, I will be one very happy lady. And a proud one, too.

Thank-you for this. I cannot - nay, might never be able to - thank you enough.

Jay said...

another beautifully written post!! sometimes you have to go there to come back, and i couldn't be more delighted for you :) best wishes from norway

natalie holbrook said...

this was beautiful. and your paragraph about the rain! ah!! i can't wait to come see your place. carroll gardens is just GORGEOUS! xoxoxo