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7.18.2012

a letter to the man who'll one day make me an honest woman,


the walk from the subway home is one of my very favorite things now. second place is lush in a way that is deeply comforting. just the other night i got home late, followed the usual parade of people out of the mouth of the train, past the rows of brownstones. it was dark, quiet, and i walked slowly studying the different doors and entryways. i was struck by a narrow staircase in one--the beauty of it such that my heart began to ache.

i wonder if you and i will ever live here together, in this particular neighborhood. i wonder if you will find such things beautiful, as i do, staircases and side streets. i wonder where we'll vacation, how we'll spend our saturday mornings, what book will be on your bedside table the first time you invite me over. if you'll have go-to karaoke song. if you'll be braver than me. and i wonder which side of the bed you'll sleep on. if you'll like thunderstorms--that particular green-gray that paints the sky. what you'll let me get away with and what you won't. if you'll like to nap like i do.

i dreamt last night that you were near. surely a gal can hope.

with all this thought and talk about home of late, it is not lost on me, that one day--should i be so lucky--you will be almost the whole of that answer.


yours, always yours

28 comments:

Sandra said...

Wonderful :) I love this.

jackiek said...

this is beautiful. i love that you'll be able to one day show these to your husband. xo

Arianna said...

So perfect. If only I could put what is in my heart onto words as well as you do.

Anonymous said...

there are a lot of things i love about your blog, but this business with 'honest woman' i find so, so troubling. i know you did not make up the term/phrase, and i know it's traditional and been around for a long time. but i think it's worth examining, even if used lightly. doesn't it suggest something 'not honest' about not being married, or having relationships, including sexual ones, that don't lead to marriage? as though marriage is going to legitimize or authenticate you, your womanhood, in some way? i am totally for marriage if it makes the two people involved happy, but i can't help but feel weird and disappointed and frustrated when this term is used as though, until this hoped-for future moment/decision/life, you are deficient, or dishonest, or in any way untrue.

tastes in word choice and language use differ, i get that (for instance, i adore the word 'cunt'; others find it hideously offensive) so i apologize for this negativity, but i did feel strongly like i wanted to mention this. so, sorry and not sorry at the same time!

meg fee said...

this is one of the best anonymous comments i've ever gotten actually. i totally agree with you, marriage does not legitimize a woman, or a relationship in any way. to be quite frank, i'm not sure that the institution isn't totally outdated as it currently exists. i used the term strictly because it is part of our common vernacular. and a little in jest because i personally consider my own honest one of my greatest assets and largest flaws-i can, on occasion, be a little too honest. i used the phrase for what it points to, divorced from the actual/original content of the phrase. but you've certainly got a point.

just because i used it does not mean i in any way agree with its origins or why it was created.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, I think your words are amazing. You seem like a romantic. But your letters come across a little desperate. It seems like your hunting soo badly for someone, the more you want someone the further away they'll be. You will never meet anyone if you keep pining for the idea of a marriage and not focusing on what's around you and letting yourself completely go. Which by the sounds of it you don't. And by letting yourself go, I mean letting go of stereotypes and putting yourself out there.

Obviously my opinion won't mean much to you, I'm the annoying anonymous negative person and everyone will say don't listen to them because there just jealous.

I do like what I read and I will keep reading, I just wanted my say as does everyone around here.

meg fee said...

anonymous:

i totally respect you wanting to have your say: but why not have the courage to actually attach your name to it. without your name, i'm not sure your say has the same weight as everyone else's.

and as for being desperate: if i really was so, i would have settled for someone long ago. or for several someones along the way.

but you are right in that i do need to put myself out there more, which isn't something you'd know from reading my blog, but something that i am telling you now. and you know, i'm working on it.

Anonymous said...

I guess I went anonymous, because I didn't want to actually be a person you could name. A person you could say 'Oh such and such wrote an invalid comment and who are they anyway?' I wasn't sure if my comments were worth any value. But now I see your response, it is nice to know they are of value and worthy of a reply.

For now I will remain anonymous because I enjoy the mystery and because we all have self doubt, even the creepy anon people ;)

Valid points on desperation, I don't even have a response to that one.

Letting yourself go however. It is one of the hardest things to do, letting yourself fall in love and putting 100% trust into someone. But after it has all happened and your 4 years into a relationship, not even wanting marriage because you don't need it anymore, you know that this is it, it seems like it's the easiest thing in the world. Maybe that can help you start to let yourself go?

Devin said...

Gosh, that was beautiful!

Meghan said...

that whole "letting yourself go" advice from anonymous- i get that perspective; however that's such a personal journey that I don't believe anyone can give you advice on that meg. bc after 4 years in a relationship someone might have a different take and want so badly to be married into a committed relationship and call him husband. to each their own; kudos meg for dealing with annoying people! as always your writing is so beautiful and there is only high praise coming from over here.

Alexa said...

i for one identify completely with your letters to your someday someone. i, too, write little letters for the future, and love them as a benchmark for where i've been, where i'll one day be, and my becoming along the way. i don't share my letters publicly, but how grateful i am that you do! your honesty is such a comfort, and how wonderful a feeling to know that i am not the only one :)

stefanie hurtado said...

i haven't had time to read your posts in a while, and i almost forgot just how easily they take my breath away. this one particularly strikes a chord with me. beautiful, meg.

meg fee said...

@anon: the thing is some people might get four years into a relationship and still want marriage. still want it eight years in. ten. twenty. forty. it's about priorities and the value of the couple. and its for me and the man i love to decide what's important to the two of us.

we all have self-doubts and i publish mine here--for anyone to see. and that's my choice. but i do it with my name. and the fact that you get off on the fact that it's mysterious...well you gotta let that go. right? ;)

meg fee said...

also, just to say, your comment(s) have value as the everyman that reads the blog, not as you, the individual. because you the individual don't exist when you shroud yourself in anonymity.

Anonymous said...

Touche :)

Stefanie V M said...

Dear Meg,
I've been reading your blog now for some time and I was wondering, do you believe in soulmates?
Anyway, you're a big rolemodel for me, thanks so much for posting!
Greetings from Austria!

JENNY said...

Beautiful writing Meg and, as always, honest. I do also believe that love will find you and usually when you are not looking. But also being a sucker for romance I would suggest that you keep walking slowly, looking up the staircases, noticing all the beauty around you (but don't disregard the brownstone around the corner with a boy who loves music and books but lives in the basement!!)

Alyssa said...

This is stunning. I just swooned at my desk.

v said...

I love your writing! x

amandamwatkins said...

Again, I love your writing! I applaud you for being honest and vulnerable. It's hard. I too write letters to my future husband, I just don't share them. I really love how you take in the beauty in your surroundings, to me that's living- taking everything in and being awestruck by the beauty of everything around us.
Don't let people bring you down. Kudos for putting yourself out there too! :)
Amanda

Sladja said...

aw.. so beautiful!
we gals sure can hope ;)

xx

Sierra Penrod said...

Your writing is poignant. I'm a sucker for imagery. Even though I'm married now, I remember that delicious, not-knowing, wondering sort of feeling about who I would end up with.

I wouldn't change who I married or when I got married or why I got married. I love all of those things. But I do miss this romantic, somewhat sad but mysteriously hopeful longing about my other half too.

Beautiful post. I am so glad someone recommended your blog to me.

The Rookie said...

Love. Love, love, love. Please write a book already.

Shaina Longstreet said...

Your writing moves me. Like completely.

becky said...

Oh, Meg. I so hope it is near.

Diana said...

This is so beautifully written. You inspire me to write letters to my one-day-husband!

maine manhattan said...

what sort of letter would you want this man to write to YOU?

Anonymous said...

I actually do the same thing! I write letters to my "one true love". I'm in my early teens, so I'll probably have to wait a while, I still like the idea, and sometimes I feel like he can hear me somehow somewhere