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i cried in whole foods this week. there was a woman who made me cry. she was unkind and i lost my voice. so i cried.

but it wasn't really about her.

and then again on the subway platform the next day, at one in the morning, waiting for the train. i turned into one of the green pillars, with no one around, and quietly sobbed.

few things have felt better.

last night as i climbed out of a cab at an unreasonable hour after an unreasonably long day i handed the driver the cab fare in all singles. many, many singles. and i apologized for all the ones. but he smiled, said in his culture, such a thing was good luck. i laughed, good luck for both of us then, i replied. good luck for me having unwittingly, unknowingly passed good luck onto you.

i sat down this morning to write about these last two months. about the sadness that pressed in and what i know now. and i got some stuff out about it, but not enough and there's not enough time today. never enough time anymore, it seems. though, maybe there never was?

all i can say is that today, end of this week, i'm okay.

i don't like uncertainty. and much as i attempt to explore the virtue of the unknown and life's multitudinous shades of gray, i'm mostly at a loss. i am mostly undone by the gray.

my mother asked me this go round what the catalyst was for this bout of blue (or whatever you want to call it because surely no name really ever does it justice) and i told her some things are sacred. and secret. and must remain as such. that this time, the answer to that question, was yes, in fact, known, but mine. and mine alone.

sacred. and mine.

tom granted me a gift yesterday. sitting in his office, talking about it all, he looked right at me and said, you know, i think it had to happen. just as it did. it was absolutely vital and necessary. and it couldn't have unfolded any other way. 

and there was breath in that moment. life. as i come back to myself now, that moment resonates.

today thinking on it, tom's language strikes my ear as unusual. i think mostly because, being the good therapist he is, he never really speaks in absolutes. most usually refrains from confirming or denying much of what i spout.

but he offered that up yesterday. without prompting. he handed me that absolute.

it had to happen that way.

all of life, all of my life (and i venture all of anyone's really) has to go just as it does. has to. there's comfort in that. a real comfort and release in that.

had to happen. that way.

(don't think this song in this week's parks and rec episode didn't make me cry. and lord help me, aren't april and andy just the best?).


Libby said...

I cried at the end of Community`s Halloween episode. But I think my crying is more of my hormones...it happens with anything..

AM said...

How I stumbled upon your blog I cannot exactly recall, but the fact that I did is all that matters. What you write resonates with me and I'm sure many others as well. There is such beauty in your words. Here is a quote I think you might appreciate "find whatever meaning you can and hold on."

Jennifer said...

It's been a crying/blue time for me, too, especially the past couple of weeks.

I should find my own Tom. It's been too long since I had a healthy outlet for all of this.

Anna said...

love, love. also, gabe dixon band got me through a lot the fall of 2009. thank you for reminding me of how great they are. i owe them more listens.

p.s. this is my personal favorite of theirs...


Katie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katie said...

I have a quote for you that makes me hopeful in all things yummy and gooey and lovey. Have a good day, Meg:)

"I don’t suppose I really know you very well - but I know you smell like the delicious damp grass that grows near old walls and that your hands are beautiful opening out of your sleeves and that the back of your head is a mossy sheltered cave when there is trouble in the wind and that my cheek just fits the depression in your shoulder."
—Zelda Fitzgerald, in a letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald

Unknown said...

i feel the same way. but you say it so beautifully. i cry way more than i should lately.

Brittany said...

it just seems to be a crying sort of week. although sometimes it makes me angry or sad or frustrated, i agree that the way our lives play out is the way they were meant to. there is comfort in knowing that. haven't watched parks & rec yet but i will get right to it. sounds like it was a good one. i also heard that last night's episode set up a storyline that they'll be exploring in a series of webisodes.

Paula said...

Thank you Meg. for your writing that is so honest and real. Your blog has been a blessing to me in so many ways :) Thank you. and yes, it's true...all will be well :)


jackie said...

@katie- that quote is just beautiful.

and meg, i was just talking to one of my friends about this idea last night. i met my boyfriend at college, and the only reason i came to this college is because my step mom works here and i get free tuition. i got into other schools, but i couldn't get the tuition exchange to other schools. so all that shit i went through with my dad's affair, parent's divorce and dad's remarriage- it all had to happen for me to come here, to then meet ben. life had to happen that way. that's a beautiful way to look at life.

Tara said...

In some ways it is absolutely frustrating that it has to happen that way, but yes, maybe it is nice to know deep down that some things are out of your control, that you just have to let go and let life happen the way it will.

This week I've repeatedly been asking myself, "Why?" and it's a question that it may be useless to ask. It's just because. These things happen because they are shaping us as human beings. If we only could shape ourselves, we wouldn't grow very much. It's just unfortunate it has to hurt so damn much sometimes.

Jayda said...

April and Andy are my favorite television couple...so wonderful.

ruthpclark said...

Thank you, for sharing. I think there's something in the energy in our world right now. I'm feeling it, too. And perhaps this all needs to happen, has to happen.

Perhaps we're going places. And passing all this gray to make the stark brightness all the more beautiful.

christine said...

Hope you start to rise from your bout of blue soon. I've been there and know it can be suffocating at times. Hugs!

becky said...

There are so many gorgeous layers to this little gem that make it resonate. And today of all days, week of all weeks, I have never, ever, been more thankful for your words. x

Anonymous said...

This is so true. I often struggle to accept the hard tings in life, as I'm sure most people do. So when I'm in one of those "why me" or "this isn't fair" or "I wish it wasn't so" moments, I remind myself that it IS. It IS so. It IS me. It ISN'T fair. And that's okay. Because life has a way of working out despite of, or perhaps because of, all the questions. The good and the bad. And you're right, there is comfort in that.

Thank for opening up and being so honest. I have really come to rely on your blog as a place where I can come and say "YES! This is how I'm feeling, too." So thank you.

Jess said...

I can see myself in between your words. When you speak of crying in Whole Foods or on the train platform, I flash back to a specific stretch of time in New York. And, in case some one has not told you yet.. which I doubt.. but, in case..

It's OK to leave it all behind. The city, the deli, the park, the crazies, the sunset over the bridge... will always be there.

I think I cried so often because I could see the lights dimming on my time there, and I wanted to grasp on to anyone or anything to make it not so.

It's ok if it happens to be so.

Jessica @ Little Maple Leaf said...

Aw Meg. This post is so honest.
I can feel your emotions reflect through your writing here.

Sometimes, we have those feelings... and sometimes they don't feel so good. But we get through it and we carry on. Because we're strong human beings! And isn't that such as life?


Hannah Joy said...

I hardly ever cry in tv shows, but there's an episode of How I Met Your Mother that gets me every time. The one where Marshall Picks up Lilly at the airport. Soooo good. Love this song you posted by the way :)

The Childlike Empress said...

dang, i've been angry and on edge and full of tears this week.

i wept today when a taxi driver got me lost....wept like a baby.

and when i arrived at my destination (after getting out of the taxi and walking around for half an hour) i saw my friend who saw me crying.

he asked me what was wrong, to which i didnt have a real good reason as to why i felt so pent up inside and lost and tired.

and he told me about his week, and it had been bad...far worse than mine....and i felt bad that my problems seemed so little in comparism, but it also comforted me that we could sit there on that bench next to each other knowing that someone else was feeling just as blue.

reading your post made me feel blue next to you too....

Ubu! said...

I almost have to copy what AM commented. I'm not sure how I found this blog but it was meant to be. I'm going through much of the same. Also, how awesome would it be to work off your bucket list in one night?

Lou said...

Hello...I think it's really interesting how life hands us these darker times and it's not until we are in them or through them that we see them for what they are. What I mean is: we never ever seem to see it coming. Tom sounds like he might be right (I like him already). For all of us in our own way - this had to happen. I just wish the dark times weren't quite so dark. I hope the tears dry up for you. Lou x

Kate said...

The scariest, and most exciting, part of life is never knowing exactly what life will hand you. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way. But I really do believe that you'll find your way out of it. As the majority of the people in my town would say, keep on truckin'. [Yeah they say that here.]

Unknown said...

I've been listening for that song for an hour now. Wow.

I'm happy you're feeling okay. I wish so badly I could help you in any way.

Samantha Brooks said...

You inspire me. I want to be able to write the way you do. I want to be able to express my emotions through writing. I want to be able to express my emotions period. I am amazed by what you do and how strong you are. You write the feelings I have and the words I can never say. Your blog inspires me. You inspire me. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for a while now, but have never commented. I just wanted to leave you this scripture I read recently that gave me a lot of comfort. :)

"And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]! Isaiah 30:18

Wandering Mind said...

I stumbled across your blog awhile ago, and I enjoy reading all you have to say. Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts and happenings. I'm sure you inspire and instill hope for others more than you know. Keep your chin up. There are brighter days ahead. :)

Meghan said...

Life is anything but easy and we are just along for the ride. Hold on tight to those who lift your spirits and who are there to listen to your deepest fears. They make everything worth it.

kate said...

your tom is great.

i think i need a tom in my life. yes-someone to help me sort stuff out and make sense of this crazy world sometimes.

i hope this blue bout hurries away quickly.

Missy said...

Loved this post, like much of your writing it resonated with me. It never feels like it when you're going through those blues but later (sometimes much later) you realize that is exactly what you needed to go through and exactly the time you needed to go through it. You're so good at writing a post about your own experience that makes me (and so many others) say "yes, that's exactly how i felt!" Seriously, when's that book coming out? ;)

Anonymous said...

In July, I went to a brand new doctors office. Three minutes into the nurse practitioner asking me questions about my background and history, I started bawling. Not silent tears. Loud, desperate, gasping sobs. It was the hardest I've cried in years and she just sat there staring at me, dumbfounded. Then, she stood, crossed over to where I sat and wrapped her arms around me, because, really, what else could she do? I was too relieved afterward to even be embarrassed.

You are not alone, my dear. sending positive vibes your way.