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7.14.2011

clarification.

i've always wanted a little boy.

liam, we'll call him. or gavin. something short and strong. a warrior's name.

and his hair will be lighter than mine. curly.

this much i know, this much i have always known,

that someday, somewhere a little boy is waiting for me.

but when naomi was pregnant, i sat on the long subway train headed uptown and thought of what that means--to grow a baby. of all the million miracles that have to take place. it's staggering. the whole thing is absolutely unnerving in its power. and as i sat there, i imagined the moment a child enters into a world.

i imagined giving birth.

and the thing is i imagined having a girl. i'd never thought of it before. it'd never crossed my mind. and the power of the image was so grand, so beautiful, so absolutely wonderful that i began to cry. just a little. just a few tears of happiness. for how wonderful this life is. for how absolutely divine this world in which we live can be.

a little girl. heaven.

i was telling one of the guys i work with about this--was telling him because he has a new baby girl at home and anyone can just see that he's burning with a fire for that baby--that he didn't expect to love fatherhood so much but heaven help him, if it's not just the very best thing he's ever done in this life.

so he listened to my subway tale, gave me one of those slow burning smiles and said baby, you're sunk. you need yourself a man. 

and i laughed because he's right. i know he's right.

it seems to me that men in new york, when it comes to that first date, all ask the same question: what are you looking for? and what they mean is are you looking for commitment? marriage? someone to fool around with? and i'm starting to think that that question, asked on any first date, might just be the first red flag, a deal-breaker in and of itself.

because it's so shortsighted. it's an attempt to define what hasn't even yet begun.

yes, i want to get married one day. and yes, i want to have children. and by golly, i want to do all these things and remain tethered to my hopeless-romantic roots.

but this is not to say i'm not practical. (but practical isn't terribly interesting and so i don't often write about it).

i will get married when i meet the man i want to marry. you're not him? no worries, let's have our wine, enjoy it, and why shouldn't we have another date?   

i am not in the business of looking for a husband. i am just trying to live a life. fully and deeply.

how can i answer the question of what i want when asked on the first date? because really the question is what i want with you and i hardly know you--it's only the first date! what i want is to find out.

to find out, what i want, with you.

i want to live my way into the answer.

and let's find out. together. shall we?

i worry about the blog. when it comes to men, i worry about the blog.

if i'm interested in a guy i try to keep this little corner of the internet a secret. i try not to give out my last name because google is mighty easy to navigate and i'm not so naive as to think that men don't know how to use it.

i'm not ashamed of anything i've put here. but i am aware. aware that it's in many ways a one-sided portrayal. and a whole heck of a lot of information--all at once, at that.

and goodness, call me old-fashioned, but i'd kind of like to tell the man all of this stuff. face to face. and i'd like that coming out of my mouth it should be the first time he hears it.

does this make sense?

new york is stunning this morning. cool and sweet. a breeze issuing forth from the hudson. and sitting here, next to the window i am happy. when i sat down to write this morning i had every intention of describing the roar of the fan behind me and my hopeless devotion to it. instead i got this. forgive me, won't you?

77 comments:

Aura said...

You have a beautiful way with words. So much that I'm sitting here re-living the moment my baby girl was born 3 months ago.

look a little closer said...

you are stunning.

and this is heavenly...

"i want to live my way into the answer."

yes. oh my friend...this is perfection.

Caitlin said...

I feel like I say this in every comment, but I just love your blog. You have such a beautiful way of writing and I always feel as if you write the exact things that have been on my mind lately. Maybe it's just that single girls navigating the dating world think alike..
I feel like none of my friends understand this "wanting to find out" so I just love that you posted this. Beautiful.

Ashley and Patrick said...

You are such a beautiful writer. And that is the way to find a husband...to live the answer to that question, one date at a time.

Although I think the good ones don't ask that question. Guys seriously ask you that on a first date?

Ashley said...

I sometimes feel this way when I meet someone new. We talk about hobbies and I mention blogging. Next thing I know I have an email saying they went through my archives...It's weird. Almost like they feel we can skip those beginning friend stages because they "already know me."

I can't even imagine how it would be with a potential date. He would find out one thing - you have a true gift with words. So thank you for sharing even if it makes you hate Google. ;)

Chelsea said...

you are amazing.

your writing is perfection.


and our blog world is a little better having you in it :)

The Lewicutt's est 2006 said...

:-) I always imagined a boy too.

And I hear you about wanting to keep your corner of the internet secret from some people, but not all. I've been struggling with that lately. The masses, I'm fine with, it's my critics and work associates I fret about.... and if I were single, it would be men too.

Having said that, if he is the right man, and he discovers it... it will make him fall even harder for you.

becky said...

I want to live my way into the answer, too. And my, my, my that is the most beautiful phrase I have yet heard today.

Erin said...

Your words always seem to speak directly to my soul. Thank you for always sharing your thoughts.

Jenni Austria Germany said...

"how can i answer the question of what i want when asked on the first date? because really the question is what i want with you and i hardly know you--it's only the first date! what i want is to find out." -- loooove this. new york is stunning and so are you.

kate said...

beautiful. as always. brilliant. thank you for your wonderful words.

homeseed said...

oh my goodness. these words. so good. i can't relate currently to your exact thoughts & words, but i can for SURE relate to the idea of living in the present, fully & deeply. I love that you used those words!

found you through rockstar diaries. i think you are beautiful and wonderful. and i am excited to see how living life fully & deeply expresses itself for you.

:)

Ana* said...

once again, you have done it. you wow me with every post you write. it's like you're holding a magic wand, or should I say magic pen?

Erin said...

i LOVE how you answered the question -- "i want to find out." if a man can't understand and appreciate this, red flag indeed.

Rachel said...

Oh girl, I love to know someone else experiences the very same exact feelings I have too (oddly enough, I always picture my future children to have curly hair too?!)... and dating with a blog can be hard (as I wrote about here: http://www.guidetomenhattan.com/2011/05/at-least-i-know-its-not-my-cooking.html) but sometimes it's a good test...and that guy I wrote about has come back in the picture.

As my mom always reminds me, "Life is a long time...whatever will be will be"

mia said...

There's no need to forgive, I really loved this post. I am inspired by how you live in the moment and convey it all so evocatively. I also love how romantic you are, and wish more people were like that too!

Chelsey said...

I totally agree with everything you said today! I'm one month away from having our little boy and I just marvel at what a miracle it is! And I have no doubt you'll find the man who is right for you. I was engaged to a man before I met my husband and I broke off the engagement. Afterwards I wondered if I did the right thing (even though I felt in my heart I did) and wondered if I would find another man who loved me. It's funny how life plays out, you just have to be patient and see where it takes you :)

{better than candy} said...

well said. xo.

Kelsey said...

I worry the same thing with dating and my blog. Maybe it is old fashioned, but it should come from you. Love all you write, thanks again!

www.kelseyannhannon.blogspot.com

Sladjana said...

This is most awesome post that i read in a long time! As if you read my thoughts and as if you, at that side of ocean, are living my life. I`m so touched. Thank you!
xoxo
-Girl from other side of ocean. :))

christine said...

I think you have a particularly beautiful genius for capturing that which so many people, in particular women, dream of and live for. You have a wonderful and sparkling quality to your writing that is both intimate and inclusive. You let us in on your most secret wishes and thoughts, which in turn reminds us of our wishes and thoughts. To share such private moments and desires takes a certain amount of bravery which is uncommon and which many of us can only aspire to have. So, thank you.

christine said...

Oh, and this post is breathtaking.

Sarah said...

Gorgeously written. I just subscribed to your blog and can't wait to read more!

jessica renae said...

i understand what you mean about wanting to tell him face-to-face instead of just having all that information at his fingertips. i used to feel entirely the same way. and then i met a man who'd been reading my blog for over a year (although i didn't know until we were already dating). it was refreshing - refreshing to know that he knew that side of me and really loved me for all of it, although it wasn't all of me. there are pros and cons to both sides... but be careful not to completely discount how romantic it is to find out someone has been very much in love with you for quite a long time and dying to know you more - because of the things you wrote. :)

Mel said...

I have a friend who writes a dating blog in DC, and she has tried to keep it a secret from new men that she meets. It's become quite a problem with her, mostly because of the overlap in her real life dating world and the blog, so it's totally understandable that you'd hesitate to spread the word! I haven't told many IRL friends about my blog, mostly because I like the feeling of freedom that I have when writing, and it's not because I want to write anything scandalous or uber-revealing, it's just that I like not having a voice in the back of my head as I write.

Great post :)

- Mel

Angelica said...

This was a beautiful piece!

Paula said...

my goodness, Meg! You are brilliant!! This is so wonderfully written! :) :) :)

and i love your approach to dating! i think i just might adopt your attitude :)

Thank you, Meg! and please, never stop writing!

Robby Spratt said...

So good!
You are right about guys who ask what you are looking for. Chances are they are only asking because they have something specific in mind, and how can you know on a first date anyway?
I've had the same problem with marriage hungry girls before too. I don't know what I want on a first date, so I can't really answer.

As far as guys finding your blog, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If I were interested in a girl, and I found her blog, I would love to see posts like the ones you write. Even if he learns things that you would prefer he learn directly from you, if he really is interested it won't deter him.
I think blogs are a great way to get to know someone. Another side of them that you don't always get on dates.

communikate. said...

liam and gavin are perfect names. you'll have beautiful babies someday.

i'm totally like tina fey in baby momma, right now. everywhere i go i see babies, and pregnant ladies, and little kids. the "hunger" is something fierce i tell ya.

Anait said...

meg, this was all so beautifully put (as usual). "i am not in the business of looking for a husband. i am just trying to live a life. fully and deeply." - I think this should be the dating mantra. I loved going on dates even when I knew, deep down, the person wouldn't be THE ONE.

Also, I have this knack of predicting the gender of a child a couple will have....and I've been 100% correct, even with strangers. So when that time does come, ask me and we'll see if my predictive powers come true (but for now, I know that any future child of yours will be so lucky to have such an amazing mom) :)

Jasmine said...

This totally makes sense! I'm sure you'll find someone and your dreams come true. You shouldn't worry so much about the blog, it's very inspiring and your future man would probably love to read entries like this one.

Elizabeth said...

I just started reading...found you through Naomi's blog. And I think you're absolutely right about the "what are you looking for" question...it is the first red flag. I am a New York girl also, and I've been asked this so many times. It wasn't until this most recent time, when I recalled that the person I was until recently dating had asked me, on maybe our second or third date, whether I was looking for something serious. I struggled to answer that question because, yes, ultimately I want to find something serious. But do I want that with YOU? I don't know yet. But anyway, I've also come to the conclusion that that question is a huge red flag because a guy who is ALSO hoping to eventually find something serious with the right person isn't going to be asking that question. I think someone who asks it is asking because they're NOT looking for anything meaningful.

Katie said...

What a beautiful post :) I too, will have a curly haired boy...and I can't wait!

Nicole Marie said...

i think san francisco has the same man problems. same questions so running away with commitment fear. eventhough i'm the same. i'm happy. i'm happy single. i don't NEED a boyfriend. but yes that's what i'm aiming toward. my goal isnt to just get married and have children. it's to find a man i love so much i want to spend the rest of my life with him. and we love each other so much that we want to have children together and be a family.

i feel like for a lot of girls though, the goal is literally to get married and have kids and it doesnt matter so much who with.

Haley said...

Thank you so much for this. Just found your blog, and I'm loving it! Definitely feel a sort of kinship with you, girl. Can't wait to read more!

DINAH CLAIRE said...

Ah yes. You can not expect things to change, but you can not expect things not to change. Fall in love with the right man, be the woman you should be, and everything else will come in its time and its way and will astound you with its perfection.
Thank you for reminding me.

Toni said...

I love the idea of living your way into the answer.

Sarah McCabe said...

You'll find what you are looking for someday. Being patient sucks, but it is always worth it in the end.

Windsor Andersen said...

When I was pregnant I wished for a little boy but just knew I was having a girl, her name would be Mackenzie Alexandra and she would have her daddy's blue eyes and blond hair. This was the way it was going to be. Three days before I gave birth I found out Mackenzie was a BOY!!!! I mourned Mackenzie for a little bit and then celebrated the soon to be arrival of my baby boy Teddy. Since Teddy I've had another baby boy and if it was in the "cards" I would have another boy and another and another!

xxoo,

Windsor
http://eatlovebikini.blogspot.com/

amanda said...

my eyes hurt from reading your blog and jumping around from page to page. i think i'm in love with you! haha i'm sooo serious. you're lovely. i'm definitely coming back in the future!!!

xo,
amanda

little-tranquility.blogspot.com

Ashlee said...

I love this. I met my husband before I started a blog, and he had to learn everything about me the old fashioned way....through four hour phone conversations at 2:00am, as I whispered my hopes and dreams into the receiver, tucked under my ear beneath the covers.

Kate said...

You always seem to be able to put what I can't into words. I'm extremely jealous of your writing abilities. Even though I'm only 17, I know what you're talking about. I mean what girl doesn't think about getting married and having a family?

I think all this will happen for you, for everybody who wants it. It'll just happen unexpectedly. There's no guessing or imagining, no matter how hard we try. Life can turn out to be even better than we think it will.

dull boy said...

great post meg.

things certainly seem to be more complicated these days.....i'm pretty sure i'd want to read a girl's blog to find out what i could about her....who knows, it could be the start of much, much more conversation.

(any bloke who reads your blog will know they are on a winner!)

Jourdan said...

I (unfortunately and temporarily) live in a place where marriage-madness permeates every aspect of culture for young adults. It's so pervasive that it's just accepted. I've never wanted to get married for the sake of it, myself, and thus have felt a bit outcast. And the times I have been crazy stupidly in love were never with someone I planned on. I think that's how most stories happen, don't they? With two people who get to know each other a little, become friends, and one day have that moment when they realize that their existence would be incomplete without the other? But what do I know.

I guess I just don't understand why people would put that kind of pressure on themselves. I never have. It seems counterintuitive, like it would inhibit the very act of falling in love. But that's just me. Well, and you, and the 43 other people who have commented thus far. I think I'm in good company.

Taylor said...

We're glad that you didn't post about the fan... even though you could make a whole post about a fan equally as lovely and enjoyable to read. Only you could.

Karls said...

You are incredible and inspiring Meg! Love your work (or rather, words).

Layla said...

So beautifully written! I don't have any children myself, but I have always wanted a boy and deep down inside I know it will be a girl. I know I will feel complete no matter what the gender is.

I am pretty sure that if I knew you outside of the internet world, we would be friends. Your little blog is lovely!

harlin said...

Stunning writing, total honesty. So nice to read such honesty. Thank-you.

catherine said...

i love you honesty. that's why you'll stay on my google reader.

SarahAnn said...

I love how you always see both sides of things. And I love to watch you enjoy everything you're given in the moment, and enjoy it for what it is! With such a beautiful attitude towards love, I have no doubt that when that man comes along, you'll have a love so unbelievably deep and true. And because you're so confident, it sounds like you're going to have some incredible fun along the way too!

Emily said...

Yes, yes this makes so much sense. I tell people that getting married and having children is not on my "to-do list". I try to explain that when (if) it happens, I'll be overjoyed, but it has to be for the right reasons and with the right person. I trust that everything will come together on its own time and until then, I have so much life I want to experience. Rilke said it, right? "Live the questions now... Live your way into the answers?" I love that approach.

Little Lo Hood said...

you are such a talented writer! I love reading every single word of yours! So stunning! I love that you just want to live life..I think that is the way it needds to be and how things should work out naturally and it certainly will in its own time for such a talented beautiful woman like yourself! :) -Lo

Special Scout said...

this is so perfectly expressed. it absolutely trumps my shrug/dunno response on the first date.

also, i've been wanting to tell you this, friend: i so respect your writing, its openness, its unnerving publicity. it's admirable. it's inspiring. and as someone who struggles to even write in the first person, i can only imagine how challenging it must be.

but please don't stop doing it. he'll understand.

Lela said...

Forgive you? Try adore you - at least the pieces of you shared on here!

Bridget said...

gah, meg. you're a good writer. for real. and yeah, i think i wouldn't love that question right from the get-go. like you said, it's attempting to define something that doesn't require defining yet... just let it be. it is what it is.

you seem like just the loveliest person, by the way.

Alisha said...

chica, you had me from gavin.

but then you make having a little girl sound like heaven. having a girl would be heaven. her sweet smile, her beautiful blue eyes (she would definitely have blue eyes), he curly hair, with pink bows all wrapped up one cute little package. you make me want one. not yet, though. one day.

aware is smart. anything you feel for a guy should always come from you and your mouth. not from the pages you've written. the right one is out there. he'll find you. one day.

xoxo

Becky [This Road Called Vida] said...

Beautiful post! And just so you know, when that right man comes along, IF he just so happens to come across your blog, it'll only make things better for the both of you... that's the funny way things work out. Reading you blog probably make him interested in you all the more. =) What quality guy wouldn't wanna date a girl who expresses her thoughts so beautifully? I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. This blog will gain you major brownie points when you meet Mr. Right.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Wow, this was so real. I loved what you said about wanting to learn along the way whether you wanted them forever or not. It's weird that they ask that on a first date...and people say that girls are strange :p

amy said...

Wow.


This is stunning.. your words are delicately laced and bring sweet thoughts to my head.

I am so proud of your blog. I am thankful that somebody exists who can write, and dream, and express such beauty the way you do.

Love it all.

sweetness xx
hope to hear from you*!
amyflyingakite.com

sheilainafrica said...

Amen. and Amen.

Ramona said...

I so agree on the men part! I believe we go (if we go!) on dates first with the intention of getting to know someone. How can you know at the first date if he's the one. I think in most cases you can't. So it is really just about getting to know each other and forming that very important friendship on which a romantic relationship can be built on. I find it sad if the only intention of going out is devided in 2 choices: The one or not the one. I believe it should be about, can we connect and have a friendship and then we'll go from there!
Sorry, for the long comment... I just feel it needed to go out :-) Enjoy you weekend!!!

Sarah Derrig said...

Your writing astounds me - I can't get enough! I've only just found your blog and everyday I find myself stealing minutes here and there to read your previous entries. You need to write a novel, please write a novel! I can't get enough! PLEASE don't take this the wrong way as I'm a happily married woman but your writing is my literary porn!

.Jessica. said...

lovely writing. i look forward to your posts each day.

Karla Khodanian said...

"i will get married when i meet the man i want to marry. you're not him? no worries, let's have our wine, enjoy it, and why shouldn't we have another date?

i am not in the business of looking for a husband. i am just trying to live a life. fully and deeply."

All I can say is thank you for this. I've been saying for a good while now. Beautiful writing.

-Karla
http://casualbedlam.blogspot.com

Elizabeth {e tells tales} said...

You are a brilliant writer.

I gave birth six weeks ago tomorrow, and I have to say you put it perfectly. It is such a miracle x 1000 that any of us ever get here. With all the things that can go wrong and right, I am so thrilled with my perfect little boy.

His name means strong, by the way. Everett.

Sal said...

I have always said that we'll have a boy first and claimed it on intuition... Actually it was after a dream I had one night - a very vivid dream. But really, who knows? Boy or girl -- 50/50 chance!

Sal x

http://danielandi.blogspot.com/

Sara said...

Thank you for your heart-felt thoughts. I am in awe; that was tremendously beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. For your insight, your honesty, your willingness to share.

Shal said...

Dearest Meg, I think one of the many reasons you will soon be a profound and renowned author is that you FEEL EVERYTHING POWERFULLY. When most of us can only imagine the unknown in wisps, in glimpses, in inklings, you imagine the unknown with vibrancy, detail, and conviction! It is so incredible that your readers cannot help but be sucked into what you offer. Blessings xo

Rach said...

I'm the same way with men discovering my blog! It's so odd.
But, I have found that the good guys, the ones that are worth spending time with, will usually find it and then decide not to read very much of it. Because they'd rather find things out by talking to me and hearing me tell stories, than by stealthily creepin' on my blog.
And for that, I am deeply grateful :) Hopefully you can find someone like that! I know they exist! :)

gypsy cab said...

thread a needle to a piece of string and then hold it with your right hand over the open palm of your left. if the needle swings in a circle you will have a girl. if it swings side to side you will have a boy. the needle will change directions a few times according to how many children you may have. wait until the needle stands completely still and that will tell you how many and what gender children you will have. sounds witchy, but it's actually your body's magnetic fields. try it on an older woman beyond baby-bearing years and the needle will stand still!

Anonymous said...

I just read this post and skimmed through a few others and. Well. You strike me as a virgin.

Not just sex-wise but long-term relationship-wise and even short-term relationship-wise.

Am I right?

...girl, you are not going to reach your soul mate goals by spinning romantic tales in your head about them...

Anonymous said...

Your writing about ned is the most powerful and best writing on this blog because you've actually experienced it. That stuff is great.

All the stuff and fluff about "future husband to be" driving a vespa or dancing on the floor to Isn't She Lovely....well, all of that kind of falls emotionally flat because it's all fourteen-year-old Twilight-Book-Series level of experience with men. There's nothing real in that writing.

Write about real stuff. What you know. And if you want to really write well about relationships and sex,then go out and have them. Then your writing will be meaningful.

The Rookie said...

While reading I sighed. Heavily. What I want and what I want with you are two very different things, no? So spot on, as always.

AllisonLynnNunez said...

I just want to steal most of what you said in this post and put it in a song! Can I, please? Your words really lend themselve to being put to music!

Rachael said...

I've thought a lot about how long I'd have to date someone before telling them about my blog. I don't keep the page bookmarked but it's easy to find it in the 'fill-in-your-recent-page-visits' bar at the top. The last thing I want is an ex boyfriend stalking my page. I too don't give out my last name, nor where I work, etc. I recently got into grad school and will be moving in a few weeks but I'm scared to put even the name of the city for fear people can put two and two together and figure out way too much about me. I'm less scared of stalkers and more that people in my program would find my blog. Not that I ever have, nor ever would, post something negative about people that I interact with but it's still personal stuff.

Jennifer M. said...

So true. Sometimes what we want is so intangible that it's hard to describe in words, let alone to someone who we've just met. I doubt any man realizes just how deep of a question that is... and how vast and prolific your real answer would be.