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over and up.

i'm sitting her looking out at the mountains. from where i sit at my borrowed, wooden desk they eclipse my window completely. and in turn swallow me whole.

these are the mountains facing east. new york lies beyond them. and believe me when i say, that metaphor is not lost on me.

there was never any doubt about this. this little expedition i'm on. there were concerns and moments of terror, yes. but that divinely-inspired voice that lives right there in my gut was very clear. go, it said. go, and life will unfold, you'll see. trust me, it ever so calmly pressed into me. wrapped me in its message.

and so here i am.

but even with God's blessing or goodwill or what have you, i wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and wake up three months from now. i longed to nod my head once and with the genie's blink become the person i'd been promised at the end of all this.

i just didn't want to have to do the necessary work to get there.

but the mountains, of course. and their all powerful metaphor. a gigantic mountain range between me and the life i once lived. or the life i will live. or the life i dream of living.
this eruption of green plopped right there. right in front of me.

when i was little we'd take road trips through the western united states. and my mom would always say, imagine how the pioneers did it. how did they do it?

and the thing is i sure as hell don't know. those covered wagons. entire families in tow. rocky terrain. leaving behind all that is known, not only heading toward a new future, but carving out a never before seen path along the way. can you even imagine? the courage of it. startling.

the only way over the mountain before me is up. one small step in front of the other. a metaphorical tapping in to my own inner pioneer.

so okay. here goes...


Shannon said...

The pioneers were crazy ( or just incredibly dedicated to their faith... depends on how you look at it ) Im thankful Im not one, cause I know I couldnt do it.
Have fun dear!

Mary Cee said...

Oh the beautiful Utah mountains... Sometimes, I take them for granted. Other times, I will be walking, driving, or just watching and I am suddenly in awe. I look at them and marvel at life and the incredible beauty that surrounds me.

christine said...

gorgeous post.

one step at a time, you can do this.

jessica renae said...

i find myself asking that question every once in a while myself, "how did they do it?" my ancestors were pioneers, and i like to think i can tap into that strength sometimes, as we all can. it's human strength that keeps one foot in front of another, and that's how we know we can do it. :)

Heather said...

You should go and hike Mt. Timpanogos, or at least go explore Timp caves. It really gives you a new appreciation for sacrifice in general, but for the rewards and feelings of great accomplishment when that sacrifice is complete. Thanks for this post, it was very insightful and beautiful. You are such a great writer!

Micaela said...

isn't it amazing? it's crazy to fathom how my parents managed to be married 39 happy years (and going) and here i've stumbled relationship fumble after another.

i can't fathom it. But the only way for anything is to continue taking the small steps and ALWAYS look up. You're doing that Meg Fee.

(ps. thank you for your always comforting words... you're one of my dearest and first friends on this world of blogging and i will always feel special for it. How i've stumbled, you know and you've ALWAYS made me feel better with your words-- your beautiful words --- and for that, i can't even thank you enough)

ALFIE said...

your beautiful post reminded me of this song (up to the mountain--by patty griffin). it is consistently bringing me peace. may it do the same for you.

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
I could see all around me

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It's there I will go
Sooner or later
It's there I will go

ria said...

I can SO relate to not wanting to have to do the necessary work to get where you want to be.. emotionally. With my dad passing away mid May, and with me feeling totally alien even to myself after all of that, I also wish to wake up three, six, even twelve months from now. In order to feel better, to have moved on, to have slipped into my own skin again.

Steph said...

This is the most beautiful post. It's lovely to see your transformation, I think you've already taken two huge steps forward by being self reflective on "doing the work". I can't wait to read up on you in August - I know you are going to be so sad saying goodbye to those Utah mountains.

Anonymous said...

Life's a journey. Not just a destination.

Cassie said...

Be brave, be courageous!! I am excited to see where the moments take you... live for it all.

Hugs, cbm

Angelica said...

Hi Meg!
I've been following your blog for a month now and felt compelled to finally come out of the bushes! :)

I loved this post because I can completely relate to it. I'm moving to San Francisco in less than a week and these words spoke everything I've been feeling.

Keep on writing. You're awesome!

Best of Luck,


Em & Gar said...

I was just going to write, "and now you get to see what all those pioneers were about" and then you said it...that you are now your own pioneer. And I love that. Because I think we all are a pioneer, in our own way. Forging our own treachorous paths, climbing impossible mountains, pushing enormous burdens...and all the while finding a way to see the happiness a long the way.

Just think, in three months you'll wonder where the time went, and maybe, just maybe, you might miss your little wink of a moment here.

and, are you sure those were the east mountains? :) ha. just kidding, I had to. xo

m.a.f said...

i know that they're east because you told me!!!!

and i love that: "your little wink of a moment here"--i might just have to steal that!

Anonymous said...

beautiful words. wow. :)

kara lynn said...

meg i secretly want to be your friend... you are one of the most fascinating people i know! and since that's not a secret anymore and i'm feeling incredibly embarrassed and out of place right now, i would love to show you around sometime or grab a cupcake too. when i get back in town that is!

Brittan said...

those mountains get me every time.

D&D said...

YOUR courage startles me. pioneers shmioneers.

Molly Mouse said...

As someone who's from NY (Flushing, Queens!) and goes to school in Utah... I completely understand. It makes me feel better knowing there's someone else who feels the same way. :]