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i own jeans now. (in more than one color, even).

before beginning:
this is a continuation.
of a story. about my nasty, 
little eating disorder.
check the sidebar
for the whole grizzly saga.

i've been thinking about how i wrote this post nearly three years ago. four years without owning a pair of jeans. which was really five. or six.

and then after that, came this.

jeans and pants: the eating disorder's worst fear and largest enemy.

so here's what i want to say:

i have one pair of boot-cut-jeans that i've owned since my second year of college (they've now reached vintage-esque status). i occasionally pull them out because they fit now and they really do look damn fine with cowboy boots.

i have a plum pair of skinny-jeans (cotton pants) from ny&co that always makes me feel more petite than i actually am (i like to wear them on dates). i have the same jeans (pants) in bright blue and while they aren't as forgiving, i've never wore anything more then i wore them last spring.

when i visited home last August i got two pairs of classic jeans. one was a twelve dollar pair from the banana repulic outlet store and they may very well be my favorite pair of pants (jeans) ever.

i own black corduroy pants. and gray ones too. i love them. (black corduroy pants can be worn with anything and dressed up or down--i can recommend nothing more).

i even have like three black stretchy exercise pants that cling to the curve of my but. and somedays i love them. and somedays i don't. but i have them. and i wear them. (in public, even).

i don't say all this to brag. to parade out a laundry list of pants so you can see just how many i have. (in my defense, i 1. never throw anything away and 2. am making up for a lot of lost time {four or five or six years}).

it's to say this: it gets better. life continues on and it gets better--and sometimes you have to fight for it to get better and sometimes you just have to wait for it to, and it's not always easy to know the difference, but there is one.

i went about six years without wearing pants. so deeply did i loathe my thighs and wide hips and large bottom.

and now i hardly wear anything else.

and the move from no-pants to pants was brought to you by relatively normal eating. no diet. no restriction. no ban on hamburgers or doughnuts or twizzlers. it was the product of exercise and vegetables and experimentation and a hell of a lot of patience.

honestly, it was the product of saying, my worth is not tied to how i look it jeans. i am worthy. period. and so i'll wear pants if i damn well want to.

i will choose to feed my body because i love it. i will not starve it into submission or starve it in pursuit of an industry's narrow-minded beauty ideal.

so at the start of the new year when we're all inundated by diet ads and weight-loss programs, i thought i'd offer up this little testimonial instead. just something to chew on.

(oh! and i did it by drinking as many lattes as i wanted. because i love them. and find them deeply comforting. and they bring a certain sort of happiness that i never want to deny myself). so there. 


jackie said...

so there. you're a strong woman, Meg. go put some damn pants on. or don't. whatever you feel like wearing is the right thing to wear.

Magdalena Viktoria said...

You are strong and beautiful, and I love reading your words on here. xx

Shauna said...

No one looks better in colored skinny jeans than you!

Rach said...

This is what I love about you. My food philosophy is the same - I try my best to feed my body well, but I will never turn down a slice of pie (mmm, pie).

Claire said...

Possibly my favorite post of yours I've ever read, and that's saying something. "life continues on and it gets better--and sometimes you have to fight for it to get better and sometimes you just have to wait for it to, and it's not always easy to know the difference, but there is one." - THAT, THAT IS EXACTLY IT. You're amazing, thanks for always sharing.

Jacob Phelps said...

This is awesome. I'm so proud of you!

AshCall said...

These are my favorite posts. I find them so empowering!

Megan said...

You're writing is so brave. (YOU are so brave). We think no one else could possibly feel the same way and yet, here we are, reading your blog time after time, and thinking "yeah, me too."

ryannkelly said...

LOVE this. well said.

Shawnee said...

thank you. thank you! so well said. "I am worthy. Period." another beautifully written post.. touching so many others.

katilda said...

the jeans are such a perfect, lovely way of symbolizing a bigger battle. growing up (and by that i include college and beyond) i never wore jeans that fit me properly because i was self conscious about my total lack of curves. i felt like less of a woman if the jeans hugged closed enough for anyone to tell that there was not much going on. so i always wore baggy jeans, because in my mind that somehow hid the "problem." (though in retrospect, baggy pants probably made me look more twiggy and unflattered than anything else. i'm not sure when the change happened, it just kind of drifted in, but somewhere between getting my college degree and living an independent life and dating guys who were men-and-not-boys, i suddenly owned a pair of fitted jeans. and then there were skinny jeans. and then there were even leggings (which i happen to be wearing right now). i honestly can't say what changed or when it happened, but as my confidence grew in other areas...suddenly i was ok with the way i looked. and then i even liked it. i liked the lithe look of my "twiggy" legs. it's amazing what pants can really tell us about what's going on beneath the surface.

lori shackleton said...

I love you! This post was just what I needed today. I know you have been told before....but you have this amazing ability to put into words just what needs to be said in a wonderful, resonating way. Thank you. I am grateful I read this today

Jennifer Bosse said...

I loved this post! 4 months postpartum from my second child and I'm fighting my jeans. Every day I look in the mirror and feel a little betrayed. But instead of hating my jeans or myself in them, I need to follow your mantra. Thank you.

Michelle said...

This is just amazing, and I love you even more. Now to get my hands on a pair of plum jeans...

Wendy said...

Bravo!! loved hearing this, at this time of year, when everyone is so obsessed with losing weight. So sick of the "fat talk". Thank you for having such a healthy attitude about your body, and food. We need more of that in this world.