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6.13.2012

maison.


even as it was happening there was a sense--a need to remember and record everything.

the first thought as he approached me--oh, yes, that man. that he sat on the stool to my right, i on the left, my purse hanging between my knees. what i wore, what he wore--plum pants and the scarf my mother gave me after wearing it for too many days in a row; a black button down and thin rain jacket, his pants rolled just at the cuff. what i had to drink, what he had--some sort of white wine and heaven, help me, i haven't a clue.

i wanted to remember how he drank me in, his eyes moving so slowly, so unapologetic in their journey. how we both sat facing forward--facing the bar, just close enough to let our shoulders gently brush, one against the other. the first moment he tucked my hair behind my ear. and then when he did it again. the moment he took my hand in his or that split second eruption incited by his palm on the inside of my thigh.

i wanted to remember what we talked about--where we'd traveled, where we most wanted to go. India--i'm pretty sure he wanted to visit India. and how in that moment, i believed if he opened his hand he might reveal the whole of the country to me--how India sat on and then wetted my lips. how we spoke of what brought him here, what brought me here, and all the years between our arrivals. the gentle roll of his tongue as he spoke, the sublime cadence to his english--belying another life, another language, another world. how he lit up like a boy when discussing his brother's soon-to-be visit--how they would bike everywhere. that first moment i watched as he disappeared behind his eyes to some place i wasn't allowed to follow. and then when it happened again.

i wanted to remember the color of the night and the sense that we were standing on something more akin to the backdrop of a film than a busy brooklyn neighborhood. the moment he first turned and kissed me. and how easy it was. easier than anything. water. how perfectly natural--deliciously natural it felt. how as he kissed me his hands ever so gently rung round my face--pressing hair out of eyes and tracing the curve of the bone. how i laughed, telling him, it mostly didn't ever come easy the first time. how i felt as though we were both teenagers, making out street-coner after street-corner on our way to the subway. a parade of soft first kisses trailing behind us. the sort of little breadcrumbs that i sure as hell hope Gretel grew up to enjoy.

even as it was happening i knew it was the first date that all others would be measured against. that a sort of line had been drawn in the sand: all before this, and all to come. and that, much as didn't want there to be, there would be other first dates, with other men. that the whole night was already pregnant with a sort of loss. that probably we'd see each other once or twice more, that if we were lucky or brave or both a bit more daring than our natures suggested we might make a solid run of it, a good attempt. but that sometimes, much as you hope it might, an easy first kiss, and nearly perfect first night does not mean there will be life beyond those things. sometimes it just is. that moment. that one, spectacular evening in which you learn ever so much more about love and yourself and what lies on the other side of that line.

24 comments:

Alexa said...

"a parade of soft first kisses trailing behind us. the sort of little breadcrumbs that i sure as hell hope Gretel grew up to enjoy."

i know this, too. and this is it exactly how it went.

colleen said...

you are such an amazing writer. never stop. my favorite sentence: " a parade of soft first kisses trailing behind us." a sentence i could never think to write and so very perfect.

Lauren Welsh said...

I seriously love the way you write! I always feel so involved in what you are saying. another one of my favorites

Tiffany said...

OH my gosh. Absolutely beautiful. And perfect. I love it!

~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

Briel said...

Damn girl! Well written. I feel like I know exactly what you are talking about.

jimmylou said...

Your writing is fabulous!

Sara said...

this is beautiful Meg!

larkfly said...

Beautiful, such a nice read!

Melissa @ whativelearnedhere said...

"that one, spectacular evening in which you learn ever so much more about love and yourself and what lies on the other side of that line." Beautifully said. I think every woman should get to experience one of those spectacular evenings - They're pretty magical.

Anonymous said...

Hi, your blog really touches me, have been reading it for awhile... Just wanted you to know about a website i started ReadYourBiblesChurch.com... It's a place for Bible study guides.. I also put a forum in that can be viewed from a mobile device.. I couldn't find where to contact you privately so I'm commenting, hope that is okay. :) God Bless!
Jenn.

Anonymous said...

Hi, your blog really touches me, have been reading it for awhile... Just wanted you to know about a website i started ReadYourBiblesChurch.com... It's a place for Bible study guides.. I also put a forum in that can be viewed from a mobile device.. I couldn't find where to contact you privately so I'm commenting, hope that is okay. :) God Bless!
Jenn.

amandamwatkins said...

I feel like you always write exactly how I feel but can't put into words myself...

forefrontfashion said...

know what i think?

JUMP IN HEAD FIRST.

Rose said...

Dear god, this is lovely. And thank you, Meg for the reminder: "but that sometimes, much as you hope it might, an easy first kiss, and nearly perfect first night does not mean there will be life beyond those things."

How many times I've wished for a life beyond that never came - and how, later (much later), I was happy it didn't. Though I do await the day that a great first date, trails of kisses, leads to a partnership greater than I could imagine. Fingers crossed, still.

Thank you for this today! Warmed my writerly heart.

Mackenzie said...

there is so much truth to this, its so amazingly healing and true and lovely and all kinds of helpful to remember all of these things.

~BB~ said...

I love the poetic way you chronicle your life - and these small moments within it. You capture so much, yet say so little. Never expanding too far, but just enough to let us in. Adore, adore, adore. You're such a mystery. Perhaps, in part, because I would take the perfect night and the easy, natural first kiss, and I would plunge in, hope against hope, to make it the last first date. And the first of many more kisses. There always seems to be a bit of sadness in stories like these - that feeling of "loss" you brought up. I just love it! Great story, Meg.

pretty things and potty mouths said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pretty things and potty mouths said...

such wonderful words. what i have learned from this little life of mine, is that when something this good comes along, you need to grab it by the balls, and hang on. sounds like your first date was worth jumping in with both your head and your heart. i hope you have many more moments like this.

Diana said...

Wow. Beautiful as always. When you write it is like I'm experiencing the moments with you.

look a little closer said...

i am reading this at work and was annoyed when i had a phone call interrupt it - i was in the middle of the magic! but now i've re-read it twice, each time still feeling that magic. you truly captured a moment. so many sentences are beautiful.

love your words. xo

Francesca Forzoni said...

absolutely beautiful once again x

Alex said...

Oh, girl.

Sara S said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile and I've never commented, but I wanted to let you know that you are a beautiful writer. You have an uncanny ability to bring the reader in and make them feel like they are living that moment with you. When I read this I feel myself being transported back to when I was single and dating and the excitement and anxiety that came with it all. Thank you for sharing.

Cassie said...

perfect capture. thank you for this magic.