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5.14.2012

a mother's love.


i have a really good mom. among the best, i imagine.

you know how i know?

because when i was sixteen, paused at a stoplight, she turned to me and said, you know if you ever got pregnant you could come tell me. we'd handle that together.

and when at nineteen i fell in love for the first time, she wrote me a letter explaining the joy and adventure (and privlilege) that sex can be. stripped of religious constraints or social expectations, the absolute wonder it is when you adore the person lying next to you.

back in february, when i had my tarot cards read, the woman reading them told me this last chapter of my life was finally ending. i was better now and could move on--move foreward. and i kinda cocked my head all dubious-like and said, i feel like i've been out of it for a little while, i thought the next chapter had already begun.

knowingly she smiled, yeah i know. i know you think that. but you were still moving up and through it.

she was right of course. you think you're well and then you reach a new level of well and persepective is a heaven of a thing. well, where everything is just better. easier. more normal. and normal takes on new meaning. and it's good. it's really, really good.

and all of the sudden, it was done.

the eating disorder was done.

but with its passing came this premonition of death. and it was tethered to my mother.

so i called home. mom, have you had all your tests done? have you been to see all your different doctors? is everything okay, is there anything you need to tell me?

yes, yes, everything's fine. what's going on with you?

okay. sigh. breath. okay.

but the feeling persisted. nagged. tugged at my feet.

so i gave it some good, long thought. and then, there came this:

if i'm well, really and truly well, then i'm an adult. finally, i'm an adult. and so i don't need the love of my parents in the same way. i don't need the love of my mother in the same capacity and so there comes the death of the relationship between us as it's always been.

i'm no longer my mother's little girl.

i told my mother this. fearfully i told her this. and in her infinite wisdom and indefatigable grace she said, honey i am so ready for the next chapter of our relationship. i'm so ready to move into this new phase with you.

oh to remember these things for when i have a daughter! oh to remeber what my mother said and how she said it! oh to have the courage and wherewithal to be the kind of mother mine has always been.

20 comments:

Kmarie said...

I hope I remember to say something to that effect when my daughter is older too. I am looking forward to that...but right now she is nine and all mine:) I savour that too:)

Claire said...

You are so very blessed to have a mother like that. I know I have a very special mom myself and try to always appreciate her and I can't imagine what a different person I would have turned out to be without her wisdom. I can always tell when someone is close with their mom :)

Kylie W. said...

That's a really beautiful story. A mother's love is the safest feeling..

colleen said...

as always, beautiful writing. your mother sounds amazing.

Jacob Phelps said...

what an amazing mother you have! and what an amazing daughter she has!

wildchild said...

beautifully written. There are definitely things like this that my mother has done as well that I hope I can remember to pass on to my children someday

jimmylou said...

Your writing is wonderful! I adore your posts so much <3

Alexa said...

how special, how secure! i want to remember to tell my daughter these things.

look a little closer said...

this was so touching and just brought tears to my eyes. i am so excited for you and think that that must be the most beautiful thing. as someone who's lost a parent, it's something i often think about. i wonder what it would have been like to know my mother as a human. one with flaws and imperfections and stories. i think that getting to know people like that and understanding their stories in a different way, is really so, so lovely. and i'm also to read that you're well and growing. :)

Devin said...

Gosh, that was the purest, loveliest thing I've read in a long time. You and your mother are very talented, special people

Erin said...

oh, meg! i don't even know what to say. my heart leapt and sank and leapt again as i read this. you seem to have a true and beautiful relationship with your mother. you make me want to call mine right this second and say 'thanks.' aren't we lucky girls?

Robby Spratt said...

This is a really nice tribute, Meg. :)

miriam said...

beautiful.

The Lewicutt's est 2006 said...

The next phase is so so nice. To relate with her in a different/new way.

I can't put it into words. I can see where you get such a way with your words though!

Moderator said...

Man, I love your blog.

Shawnee said...

wow. so, so good.

bella said...

i got tears in my eyes reading this. thankyou, your words are so beautiful.

Alex said...

She sounds like a wonderful woman :)

Julia said...

It truly is special when you realize you have an adult relationship with your parents. Weird and a little disconcerting at first (but I don't wanna grow up, don't make me!) but special nonetheless. Wishing you the best as you move into this new phase.

d&d said...

how nice it is to come to an age where you find that your mother is in fact a friend.