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1.31.2012

playing the numbers.


sometimes i have to pull out the really rational (and, i fear, underutilized) part of myself--the part that knows life is just a number's game.

the harder i work, the more i fail, the more i experience, the more growing-pains push me this way and that, the more i come up against what i fear and the more i don't get what i want, the longer it takes to meet this person or that person or get this or do that, well...

the chances of the good happening--of that one thing or one person or one job or one moment that could turn the course, dictate the path, illuminate--the chances get better each day.

it's a number's game. my chance of success increases each day it doesn't happen.

sometimes it's hard to remember that when my head is stuck in the mud of a very busy block of weeks and the universe seems to have just thrown a few things at me that while livable, feel like what-are-the-chances, cruel twists of fate.

a few months ago i was lying in bed, terrified by the idea that i might actually get what i want, and there was this thought: too soon. too soon, it hasn't been hard enough yet.

(hasn't been hard enough, yet?! bite your tongue, ms. fee, not a helpful thought).

dearest universe: i'd like to take that back--that thought, if you might be so kind as to allow me. okay, well, not take it back, but amend it, or just altogether change it. not too soon, it's definitely been hard enough. perhaps that particular story isn't finished yet, and that's okay. but some of the other stuff, not too soon. not too soon. 

i think i'm ready. i'm ready.

so i'll do my best to keep showing up, and if you wouldn't mind just fudging the numbers a bit in my favor? well, that would be swell.

okay. deep breath. onto and into the day...




image: brian w. ferry

22 comments:

debbiecutieface.com said...

ah, I know the feeling. You want something so bad and then it all seems to be coming at you too soon...you are a fantastic writer. So relatable.

Lottie said...

I have been there and sometimes I can't believe my luck that it all worked out and I am waiting for that terrible moment when it will all fall apart, because no-one gets everything they want right?

But maybe they do--and you will--and hopefully it will be soon!

Micaela said...

Oh my goodness, I've had just that feeling! You dream of something for so long and then suddenly it seems almost possible and you think "wait, this can't be it." I think that just means it's not right. When it is right, in my experience, it just kind of happens and takes you by surprise. It's never going to be in the way you imagined it, but hopefully, if it's right, it will be ever so much better.

erin gail said...

maybe we've all been through enough. maybe it's not too soon. maybe (sometimes) things are just supposed to be easy. maybe it's ok to be happy. crazy pants, right?

when good things happen, i push them away because i feel like i'm not ready or i don't deserve them. but maybe i am and i do.

thank you. xo.

Leighana said...

I absolutely know the feeling. I'm a junior in high school right now (but i feel oh so much older.) Going away to college seems scary and i keep thinking "not yet!" ... it's funny because somedays i cannot wait.

mackenzie said...

yesyesyes. with all good comes the bad and i also agree, sometimes getting all that i want would be a scary scenario! how do i know exactly what i want? i don't. and that's a freeing thought.

tu y yo said...

it's true! i always think of life like a wheel - it turns faster or slower at different times, but it's always moving - eventually you'll wind up near the top again, you just have to be patient and let things take their course. (although you definitely have to get prepared for the next spin round while you're up there!).

http://tuyyo2you.blogspot.com/

Robby Spratt said...

These are great thoughts to remember, thanks!

Alex said...

I wish you the best of luck with whatever it is that you are ready for :)

Erin said...

I was telling my husband something similar last week. I told him that things are too good. It's all coming together too easily. Too quickly? And yet it's been so hard and so long... maybe I just don't realize that some things are good and they're just meant to be... GOOD.

Jessica Tingey Hansen said...

I love a lot of the things you write, but this is one of my all-time favorites.

Micaela said...

So, I know this is a commercial, and I swear I have no connections to the company or anything. But I just saw it and thought it went perfectly with this post. You certainly aren't alone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alxpfdcOSqc

Anonymous said...

love this.....not the writing - the fact that all your followers wait on your writing to comment.

It is almost like we wait on your every word

Ashley said...

What ever you are ready for i wish you nothing but the best! You inspire me daily <3

sarah said...

Honey, if you ever get here let it be after I’ve run my limbs out.
Let it be after I’ve set my mind on fire.
Don’t come until I’ve eaten every fruit and crossed myself so many
times I’ve lost count and until I’ve looked at my naked body so
fiercely that I no longer believe in ordinary beings.
Baby, don’t arrive too early. I’ve got years left in these leggy
mistakes, and I know it like a storm in my bones.

Sarah said...

I love this. The universe gives you what you need when you need it most. Go with it girl!

meg fee said...

sarah, did you write that? it's so beautiful

meg fee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lorna Diwa said...

I love this - a quote that I stand by when i'm having similar thoughts is "I'm a firm believer in luck, and the harder I work, the more I seem to get of it."

Deep breath!

sarah said...

Meg-- Yes, I wrote it. I just left it here because it's about that same feeling-- that feeling of needing more time or preparation or wisdom before I can welcome someone or something so wholly into my life.

I don't know if that's actually true, if we need all those things before being able to love well, or if we can evolve on the run--learn to love properly or adapt to changing tides in the midst of them. My hunch is that we do so all the time.

But I understand the fear of "too soon". Of wanting to feel anchored in what you've become before opening yourself up to more.

Kate said...

I always feel like good things happen too soon to me, especially if I feel like I haven't worked enough for it.

This mostly applies to my love life. I can't rush into anything. I always need more time.

MERN said...

You haven't updated in a few days so I hope all is well with you. I am always fascinated with your hipster city life. I live in the city, but it is nothing like yours.
As I was watching the Superbowl yesterday the thought came to me... "I wonder if Meg watches the Super Bowl". Do you? It doesn't seem like your thing...BUT...it IS the Super Bowl.