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2.28.2011

just a thought.

a little grimy

once upon a time not so very long ago i dated a man who should have made me very happy.

and he did.

sometimes.

but sometimes in the cool darkness of another day done i felt a low, rolling sadness.

deep and soft.

it was my friend angela who pointed out what a big thing that was. i would go on and on about all the reasons i should like him and all the reasons i was struggling in the relationship and she'd kinda look at me from out the corner of her eye and say: but you're sad when you're with him.

and that would be that.

the end of the discussion.

sometimes i wonder if that's what this city has become for me. a place i should love. a place i work hard each day to convince myself that i could love. when truth be told, the city makes me sad. a low, rolling sadness.

deep and soft.




20 comments:

look a little closer said...

this is a beautiful post. i definitely know that feeling and you described it so poetically.

good luck getting your camera and i'm excited for our next book club read!

xo
kk

Ana* said...

I have experienced this but could never put it in perfect words like you did. Is it possible to love someone/something and still be sad? to want to be attached to it even though you are not happy? I don't know what impulsed me to such contradictory feelings but I did love and hate one person, one thing, one place at a certain time in my life.

Camilla Leila said...

i get it. but you shouldn't have to convince yourself to be happy or to love something or someone or some place.


sometimes, a change is necessary. and i fully support that :)

s a m said...

Meg, you put that kind of 'deep and soft' sadness so eloquently. I've been feeling that way about Portland ... but maybe it's just that time of year.

Soundtrack : LCD Sound System - New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down

Anonymous said...

wow Meg, this breaks my heart to read..

sometimes it does take a change to help you figure out how you really feel.

I grew up thinking NYC would be the only place for me.

I loved being there, and maybe I will again in a few years, but ever since I left NYC for Miami my own sadness has been washed away by this warm fresh ocean city, vibrant with life and art and adventure.

I'm sure that you will find what feels right for you

Suzy said...

Meg, that first sentence -- wow! It is beautiful and heartbreaking and it really spoke to me. I can say, without a doubt, that I know what you mean. At the time, I thought it was just me, that I must just have this underlying sadness in me, that it'd be there with everyone because it was me. But slowly, over time, I realized that is not true. It took a lot of hindsight for me to see that. Those warning signs exist for a reason. You are smart, our feelings are smart, and "should have" is not good enough for you or anyone else, my dear! I've also lived places I should have loved (including gorgeous Boulder, a place many people love, which I hated! I was so sad there), but that's okay. You're still trying it, experiencing it. I'm in awe of you--I've never even visited NY! You recognize what doesn't make you feel happy, and that is a huge, huge thing! You see something I didn't see until recently., after the fact.
You're already on your way! You will find that place that makes your heart happy.

katie said...

i [sadly?] feel the same way about living here in the city - that as much as i love nyc, i don't think it's the best place for me, and i know i need to leave it sooner than later.

so you're totally not alone in thinking that.

Jac said...

Oh Meg, I totally understand where you're coming from. Anytime you need an escape, you're welcome to come upstate and hang with me! It's just a short train ride :)

Platypodian said...

I've had this feeling before, too. Also, I've not had the grandest start of the week! Have a good rest of the week!

dull boy said...

words from the great philosopher 'dullboy'...

like happiness, sadness is a state of mind, and they are moving targets.

Sera said...

once again, love your writing. and i've felt the exact same way.

Kate said...

This is so good. I've felt the exact same way before, and I've never seen it expressed to perfectly.

Katie said...

So, are you going to move back to Texas so that we can become best friends?!

Jenni Austria Germany said...

is europe calling your name? please say yes.

M said...

oh, i understand...I'm feeling the same way about my own little southern city...but I can't decide if my love is waning because of other factors (grad school overload/winter/etc)...I think this week will be good! Rain always flushes away the dirt and the grime and soon clouds will part and the sun and spring will come.

Genevieve said...

Beautiful description- how I feel when I go home, and realize how much it no longer is home.

Congrats on the DSLR! (:

Mackenzie said...

i can completely relate with this, my dear meg. a close guy friend whom i have been close with ( and people think i should just go ahead and marry) finally confessed that he liked me (how long is the scary part!) and this same feeling came about. you described it perfectly. i'm a lady who has a firm stance against settling, especially things that just cause a slow, rolling boil of sadness within you, whether it's a city or a person.

that heart is a smart little muscle, it knows what it's doing :) it's always silly when i have to remind myself of that.
hope you have a lovely week, my dear! it's raining here too, and i'm soaking it up :) <3

~BB~ said...

I love your ability to look the truth in the eye...even when it's not pretty, or easy. Beautiful thoughts Meg - I hope you find the place where your heart no longer feels a "low, rolling sadness."

~BB

sonny said...

i'll tell you a lil somefin meg...a lil somefin that stood out...

not so long ago...you DATED that man who should/could've made you happy...

there are those who are married to one like that....

you are not married to this city ...are you ?

Anonymous said...

oh so sadder with the "new guy"...but it happens