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my first year of college was. really. fun.

and i'm not talking about the classes.

i had this lovely and gorgeous group of girl friends and the fourth-year-boys seemed to take us under their wing (as fourth-year-boys tend to do with first-year-girls).

i remember getting dressed up in ridiculous outfits. parties where far too many people were crammed into far too small spaces. and many, many late nights.

nights where five am found us hailing gypsy cabs. where we were greeting the sun before crawling into bed. where breakfast at 7 am in the nearest diner became the last meal before sleep.

and then. life. happened.

and i spent one too many nights in a strange diner. and one too many nights playing video games until 4 am. and one too many nights on someone else's couch.

and so i began to protect my nights and mornings. hold them close to me. guard them with something akin to a vice grip.

and so it went. for quite some time.

i'd leave parties early. pay extra for solo cabs. choose not to go at all . but always, always, cross the threshold to my own bedroom (alone) and breathe in the sweet air of solitude.

so when i came here i was determined that i might find my own space. nothing was of greater import.

and then i arrived. and the room was small. and so damn white. and i started to cry on that first day. hard.

but with a floral bedspread. and a silver lamp from wal-mart the tightness in my chest began to loosen. and the room became home (or some version of it). and i survived my two months there. and i really do mean, survived. nothing more glamorous than just surviving. and then my contract ran out. and i found myself homeless (or some version of it) in provo.

and then miracle of miracles, new friends took me in (like the stray that i am).

and my privacy was shot to hell.

i find that i'm now living in something akin to an actor's commune. we all cook food together. and video games are played until 4 am or 5 (yes, i'm back there). and i fall asleep on the living room floor. and there is no time to myself before bed, or upon waking, and the thing is, not only am i okay with that, i find it... delicious.

so delicious and sweet i can't tear myself from the living room floor to climb into my apportioned bed. night after night it goes like this.

and i feel like a first-year all over again. but better: wiser and fuller. and life is cyclical. forward-moving, but cyclical.

and this sleeping on the living room floor, this giving over of time and space feels like some kind of growth.

so there you have it. here's to you, utah. my deep thanks for the carpet on which i get to sleep, and the cool summer air i feel slipping through the screened windows.


Julia said...

I am definitely going through a time in which I really cherish returning to my own bed. I never used to have a problem sleeping in strange places, but, I don't know, I've felt a strong desire to just make it back home this past year or so. I am hoping, though, that eventually I will get back to where you are right now. It sounds like you're having a blast!

Lola said...

This is such perfection. I am so happy for you. Jealous just a tiny bit in my old age but mostly happy for you. ;)

Nikki and Collin said...

This is so beautiful. My first years of college were like those too, and sometimes I really long for them.

communikate. said...

beautiful. summer in utah is wonderful. glad you've found a new place that keeps you on the carpet at night.


Anonymous said...

i just moved back home for a few weeks and after a year of sharing a bedroom (in provo) i find myself sharing a bedroom with my two sisters at home. even though we each have our own. it's funny the way you change and grow over the years.

laura marie said...

I love this... I know so many of us relate to the first-year lifestyle (and, ahem, late nights/early mornings). And it's always so, so interesting to jump back into that lifestyle again--for a day or a weekend or a month--and remember what made it so great or sometimes, not-so-great. Life being cyclical... you're so right! I love it. Thanks for this :)

Miss Wendy said...

This was great! I was just thinking the other day about my inability to stay anywhere other then my own bed, and the fact that once upon a time I stayed every but there. I miss being a little bit wreckless and a whole lot resilient. I can't bounceback from sleeping on the floor nights like I use to.

olivia rae said...

this is such a great post meg. i can totally relate. and i'm glad you're content with where you are, definitely the most important thing! xo

aubry. said...

this weekend.
shakespeare in the park. saturday, farmer's market.
i'm there.

Bee Sarah Lee Bailey said...

love love love! i am in that stage of life as well and i have never felt more alive!

Micaela said...

delicious indeed was this post.

enjoy utah- it seems to be enjoying you and good to you and i love that.

i forget what it's like to feel like a first year... i can't even drink more than one glass of wine before i feel sleepy and i forget that once upon a time i was that girl drinking the double cosmos into the night.

it's good to remember that girl and yet let her go happily.


Amanda said...

I can absolutely relate to how you felt when you first arrived in Utah. It reminds me a lot of my first semester living at school. I hated every second of it and still get upset thinking about it. But like you, I was able to make some necessary changes and accept what life was throwing at me. I'm glad to see that everything is working out for you and that you are so much happier!

kara lynn said...

i hated my first year of school. i felt like a fish out of water. all dried up. so happy you are back swimming in such happy waters. =]

Courtney said...

this is so lovely, I'm so glad you've made it that place where you feel content. It's such a good place to be.

2nd Girl said...

You are inspiring, thank you.

jill said...

glad things are working out better and better for you! Can't wait to see your show tomorrow!

tanuki said...

so that's what you guys have been doing! ooo, i'm jealous >.<

becky said...

My first year of university was nothing like this; it didn't appeal, for some reason, yet you word it beautifully and make me envious. Your writing is often very breath-taking, yet it retains its simplicity and this is why I check your blog daily. I am a newcomer to it, yet feel like I know you. And I truly, truly do wish you the best.

D&D said...

lovely meg. really lovely.

ann ladson said...

as usual your writing is beautiful. a real gift you possess. thank you for uninhibitingly sharing.