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an adventure (vacation?) for the mind.

i came to utah to work on some things. to work on myself, i suppose.

to grow in many directions all at once.

and as i attempt to figure things out, i can feel my mind rearranging itself. taking down all the old books and bowls and folded photos. restructuring. new shelves. different dimensions.

but this restructuring is somewhat... terrifying. i find myself dreaming of things i haven't dreamt of in years. half-nightmares. waking face first in a water-logged pillow struggling to catch my breath.

these dreams, these dreams i can deal with.

it's the slow, inching, creeping of my memory away from me that brings on terror. it's as though someone is covering over the green of the all england tennis club with a protective tarp. that slow and steady cover up--preventing the ping-pong collision of past and present.

and i am left waiting for the rain.

but the brain is pretty smart, no? and it knows when remodeling is in order.

so come on rain. the playing field is protected. and i'm ready for a little slip-and-slide.


communikate. said...

Please write a book. You never cease to amaze me with your life analogies.

Jacob said...

this is worded quite perfectly..
it's hard to accept the change of mindset..
just sit back and let your heart do what it wants..
it'll lead to the right place/right thing/right time/right change.

kate. said...

goodness miss meg, you have a creative and brilliant mind, and such a way with words in expressing your thoughts and feelings so beautifully and articulately! you are spot-on. you need to write a book!

Toni said...

Love this perspective!

city girl said...

The rearranging isn't something to be terrified of. Let it all just wash over you, and appreciate it for what it is. It'll definitely make a difference!

chloe said...

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I've been reading it for a little while now. I loved this post.

On a separate note, it appears we've switched places...so to speak. I left Provo last week for my new life in Manhattan, and you left here for there. Should you feel the need for a little cupcake love while there, Cocoa Bean Cupcake Cafe (don't judge it by the name or the ugly logo) has some delicious cupcakes. The flavors change on a daily basis, but they are all really good. Just FYI. (Whenever my brain feels the need to remodel, I find myself needing treats every now and then.) Best of luck with all the changes!

valerie said...

oh my goodness, i am going through similar things back in this city! it is twisty + turny, but i know we are shedding skins + becoming even more lovely + strong + wonderful. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Fairfield said...

Someone said to me recently, "I like the you now not the you from the past. All of that- that was just building blocks to get to who you are now. Where you are now."

Basically what I'm saying is- accept that you're not who you were two years ago. or a year ago. or 4 months ago. or 3 weeks ago. heck, two days ago.

All of it.

You're much stronger than you think.

communikate. said...

please write a book.

i adore your analogies!

Sam and Livi said...

it looks like you had a lovely time in utah!

strumblings = samandlivi.blogspot.com

ALFIE said...

sometimes you have to forget to really remember.

everything will come full circle. even though it might feel like you'll never get back to where you were.

glad to see you're up for the adventure of growth :)

Erica Newhouse-Kasper said...

Yes please write a book. I love this post.

Kristen said...

Seriously, you are a gifted writer.

Lisa R. Lewis said...

This came to mind:

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” - Judy Garland

It's simple yet sound advise. It's a particularly beautiful thing to feel comfortable in your own skin.


J. said...

"and as i attempt to figure things out, i can feel my mind rearranging itself. taking down all the old books and bowls and folded photos. restructuring. new shelves. different dimensions."

I thought that passage was beautiful.

Shawn Tina said...

i'm working towards the type of clarity and beauty you express in your writing. it's wonderful.