it felt so easy. as if we'd been sitting next to each other at dinner parties for years.
but we hadn't. it was new--and the juxtaposition of the new and old--easy and not--set my stomach aflutter.
i can't remember the details of that first night, only how i felt.
certain things, yes. but for i who remember almost everything, the loss of memory held its own power, it seemed important.
and so i held on to my idea of it--to his deep set eyes, and the gentle brush of his fingers.
i've been trying hard to remember of late. or perhaps, to imagine. just how i felt the first time i saw him. what he thought when i sat down atop the barstool.
because i'm quite sure that whatever he felt that night has long since passed. but the thing is, i'm just ever so slightly--just a little bit--in love with him.
and so i clung to what i thought could have been.
he was busy. this much i know. and i attempted patience. but before long i discovered the line between patience and the pursuit of a man not interested to be small, thin, and unforgiving. and there i was on the unenviable side where pride came into play.
and i am too proud. this much i know. and not patient, but we've covered that.
and yet i'm a little bit in love with him. and how to say that?
and because i couldn't--because i can't, i do silly things like fall apart on the subway.
or in church this morning. or in the cab ride home while my mother listens and my father inquires as to how i can afford said cab. (i can't).
my brother once told me the blog is more interesting when i'm unhappy. i'm the girl who doesn't get the guy and for the sake of the blog i can't be.
well, blog, today you win.
(for the sake of kindness,
and because i want to be
classy about this (and stress
that this is only one piece of
one side of a story) please
refrain from commenting in
any way about the guy.)
19 comments:
I can't remember the last time I could relate so wholeheartedly to something. And because of that I also do silly things like fall apart in church.
I fell apart at the airport today. Not the first time I've fallen apart in public in recent months... years... and all over a man I love who does not share the same level of interest. I try to blog happy things because they exist and shouldn't go unmentioned, but it lies under every post. Sorry to blab about myself but what I'm saying is, you always have the courage to get to the point and eloquently share these real, human emotions and trials that we can understand but maybe not share. That's (one reason) why so many people read and love you.
brittan, you and me--date this week?
I disagree with your brother. I think your blog is interesting because you are honest and you write from your heart, whether you are happy, sad, scared, lost, triumphant. It is interesting because you let us in on a little piece of your life. I used to think that I was a more interesting person when I was sad and in pain, but I have realized that sadness is not what makes you interesting. It is what you make of the sadness, and how you come out the other side that makes you interesting. And that is why I like reading your blog. Because you are honest when you are sad, and then we get to see you come out the other side.
Mica. You say it sister.
I fell apart last night too. At a small party. With my ex and his friends. Who used to be my friends. And I felt I didn't belong there. Next to the one who used to be my best friend. In a house where we shared so many memories. I fell apart at 4 a.m. reading his messenger archive (I know that's not polite, but he had left his laptop in the room where I slept alone and what can a girl do...) and his cousin - the first who consoled me when he broke up with me - was telling him she'll bring a cute girl to meet him. And he replied with such interest. And I fell apart when he told someone that had asked him why hasn't he got married yet that he wasn't "impressed" by anyone in that degree. When for years he used to tell me that for him I was the superlative in everything. It's been almost a year and I've healed a lot, but sometimes it's like a nightmare that doesn't end. And it's not really the end of the romantic relationship that hurts, but trust being trampled on. And his lack of remorse. And the fact that I was the one who lost our mutual friends, not him, the guilty one. That's another ugly side of love. Never give up on your pride. Most of them wouldn't deserve that.
So many beautiful things come out of desire. Especially the unrequited kind.
Let it stretch out the walls of your heart.
No love is ever wasted.
I have been falling apart too (for a few weeks, so I am just catching up on all the blogs now). oh march (and april). such difficult months. This entire semestre my life has felt like a full-on trajectory towards a breakdown.
what is it that keeps me together when i think "ok, this is it. this is really it. there's nobody here for me. i'm going to be alone forever, i just have to accept it".
what keeps me together is my daydreams of the future (much like your post "when i grow up", which i LOVE (btw)). i imagine myself and my husband, together in the morning, children lazing on the sofa, one in the kitchen with us, crying over soggy cereal, the kettle whistling on the stove.
if these images are so strong to me, so real, (i tell myself,) then they must be in my future.
i also tell myself "everything happens for a reason". silly, and said too often, but it's true. i have had more than my share of experiences in such a short life to know this is so.
this is getting way too long, but just know...
i like your blog every which way- it's always interesting (and thoughtful, and funny, and the writing is too good to be true), and i hope you don't have to be unhappy for much longer
i've fallen apart in way too many places to list. but mostly in the shower where no one can hear me. wear i can walk out and pretend like nothings wrong. where i can pretend that my face is so red from the steam and not from the tears.
this too will pass. and i love your blog because it's honest and real.
xoxo
Ugh! That feeling is horrible, the wondering why wasn't he interested and is this why no other man is interested. Am I broken in some way that I don't see, but they do, and if so, how do I fix it? Thankfully it passes after a bit.
I agree with other commenters who say your blog is interesting. You write so honestly about your journey and how you keep moving forward through it all. It's inspiring and above it rings true. Thanks!
I love your blog, whether you are happy or not.
Sometime falling apart is exactly what we need to do. Don't fret too much about it.
it seems that the most beautiful, the most interesting, and the most worth-it girls have to wait the longest and work the hardest.
it will come for you, Meg. it must.
Everyone can relate to this, in one way or another. So thanks for that.
Beautifully written... as always.
This post gave me a little bit of nostalgia. It reminded me of a man i once secretly loved, but never spoke my true feelings. he never returned the feelings i was so certain i felt... and eventually found a girl that suited him, which triggered many breakdowns in my car.
Thank you for being such an honest and beautiful person. And yes, I too love your blog whether you are happy or not.
I get excited to get into work and log in to my computer just to read your blog. Because it's real. Whether or not you are happy or sad or anything in between. It's raw and that's the connection. I fall apart all the time. But this time I didn't. He was with me one hour and asked to stay over. The next hour he was ignoring my calls, texts, and my knock on the door. He walked away from me for the last time...but this time I didn't fall apart. After so long it just gets old. *i love your blog*
why is that? it makes my heart break a little to read posts where i was lost or heart broken, but those are my best work. I found that funny your brother agrees with your blog :)
is it bad that i sometime still (always) cling to what i thought could have been?
sigh...
I love that you can put into words so eloquently the things that make you sad. I tend to only blog about little things that make my life happy because when I to try and write about the things that make me sad they tend to come out negative and rather ugly. I can relate to loving a guy at the moment who does not feel the same. And I have read your more recent post regarding this, and it's nice to know someone can come out the other end having good feelings about the whole situation :)
Most of the happiest couples i know, met when they were in their 30's, myself included. You have so much time to meet someone who deserves you.... please don't worry, love has a habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Have faith in yourself, have fun living your life and before you know it someone will join you for the ride, trust me :-) x
Just know that I would find you interesting and your blog compelling whether the post is happy or sad. I love your writing!
P.S. I think what your brother said is actually rather sweet. :)
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