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3.17.2010

he's just not that into you? or he is, but he just happens to be a guy?


i have a girlfriend who makes me laugh all the time.

when in our first year of college we both fell in love with boys who were anything other than meant-to-be, her friends gave her the book He's Just Not that Into You and she was an immediate convert who then went on to proselytize the importance of recognizing when...

well, when... he's just not that into you.

but lately. said friend's he's just not that into you advice has stood in direct opposition to my mother's advice--my mother who tells me to be patient and to relax. that men think differently--see things differently.

and while neither has completely illuminated the male mind for me, they've both shed a little light on how a female's age and experience influences their opinion of said mind.

experience. i guess that's the point. i just have to have the experience.



ps: there was a great article in the ny times magazine (i think?) on the new book by neuropsychiatrist louann brizendine, The Male Brain detailing just exactly how different the male brain is from our own--why it is they can't not look at the big tits in the tight t-shirt. i can't find the article online (i'll keep working on it) but i did find a great interview she did with elle. i particularly love what she says at the very end:

The thing that is awesome to me—which I see in my office with couples who come to me—I’ll ask her, “How do you know he loves you?” and she’ll say, “Because he wants to talk to me.” But when I ask him, he’ll say, “Because she wants to have sex with me.” Women don’t understand that men feel loved when you want to have sex with them—and if you reject them, it means you don’t love them. And if a man can’t verbally empathize with a woman when she feels unloved—they’re like ships passing in the night. That, to me, speaks volumes. Remember Beauty and the Beast? It’s from the song—first she gives a little bit, then he gives a little bit. That’s how you can start to see things from the other person’s point of view. That captures what’s been going on in my office for 25 years.


just a little something to think about.

16 comments:

naomi megan. said...

oh my. i am said friend who GAVE that book to other said friend. yes yes, i totally know what you're talking about. and who. don't you love thinking back to the way we were freshmen year together? sometimes i cringe. how in the world did i find and marry a wonderful man in nyc when that dating thing always just had me confused and bothered. is it bad to say i am so glad i am done with those dating games? and wondering "if he's into me or NOT that into me" and putting up with such unnecessary drama. boo yah.

i still think that book has a lot of good points, theories and ideas. but i also must agree that men certainly do think differently than women. (p.s. i am SO glad they do.)

we need to catch up and i need to hear about what's going on with you. and this boy. or boys. it's been too long.


xo

Krysta said...

Women should relax and be patient because men DO think and see things differently, however, in my experience (as abundant or limited -- its all relative -- as it may be) the men who are worth dating and investing your time into won't hide their interest in you or play games. They will be with you. They might not be perfect or do things the way that you want them to or would do yourself, but it will be clear that they are, in fact, into you.

Anna said...

this is hilarious. I was just talking with my boyfriend last night about how I'm glad I'm not a guy because women see/live in the world in a much deeper, connective, more colorful way and he didn't understand. HAHA. He did understand when I said women were more emotional though ;)

Brittany said...

fascinating. i totally know what you mean about friends giving one kind of advice and moms/aunts/grandmas giving another. ugh!

christine said...

What a great post with lots of food for thought! Thanks for sharing.

It's been my experience that there is truth in what your mother says and in the book He's Just Not That Into You. Guys who are seriously into a girl will make themselves known, and it's up to the girl to relax and let the process happen.

I'm always amazed at the differences between men and women, and how often it is so difficult to figure out. I have no answers, but I've found that by letting go and relaxing, I'm more myself, more open to opportunities, and there's more room in my life for miracles.

Your Mom is a wise, wise woman.

vintagecharm said...

Such a good post. It's definitely hard to know when to be patient and when to realize that he just isn't that into you. I say go with your gut and communication is key. A guy that is really into you can handle you asking him how he feels about you. At least that's how I feel about it! But, I also want to agree that men think TOTALLY different than women and I am reminded of that every time me and my fiance have a fight! Their brains just work differently!

elliebird said...

It's funny though, because some will tell you that in order to make men feel loved, you respect them and tell them that you respect them, and that to make women feel loved, men should give them physical affirmation.

For instance, my sister barely ever initiates sex with her husband, because she knows that if he rejects her, she will feel like he doesn't love her (even though she knows that's not true). Also, she says that she can see a difference in his demeanor when she doesn't uphold her standard of verbal adoration.

Interesting views. Still making up my mind...

Fairfield said...

The best advice my father ever gave me:

"Sam. If he wants to be with you, he's going to be with you."

Fairfield said...
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Brittan said...

Uuuuuuugh. Meeeeeeeeeeg.

Why do you always have to make me think? And be right?! Ugh. There is a boy I need to call and apologize to... and I soooo don't wanna. But you're right, we do think so differently from the other gender, and I too often forget that.

Wisdom + Understanding said...

I love this topic Meg! But I don't know if I fully agree with brizendine there... I get generally uncomfortable when ppl compartmentalize. I'm a girl, I love my man... but I also look at big tits in a tight t-shirt when they walk by. Ha!

In terms of love languages, my top ones are affirmation&touch. Physical intimacy is huge for me... probably the best way he can show me he loves me. And there are days my man will call me and talk 10 mins straight just wanting me to listen...

I guess it really depends on the individual guy and girl ... since I do know a lot of girls and guys who fit the description in brizendine's quote.

But for sure we are wired differently...I don't care what neo-fems say, we are plain and simple more emotional (especially during certain days a month) which can lead to zany wacky behaviour haha! So I am thankful men are not like us :)

Anonymous said...

http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/19/its-a-guy-thing/

I found a link to what I believe is the story-- very very interesting stuff.

JKreids said...

excellent. And it's no discredit to the men who don't act/think/feel/react/process/understand the way we do. They were created differently. Simple as that.

You're right - understanding and wisdom and experience are key.

Randi Lee said...

haha, agreed. I like the book... I've read it as well. But, I also read after I finally realized he just wasn't that into me. So there was a lot of, "that's sooo true..." moments. However, the experience taught and changed me more than that book ever could.

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