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3.10.2010

in defense of self.





learning is a funny thing.
information builds on itself.
snowballs.

this year
(all two months that have hurtled by in one gigantic whoosh)
has been a time of exponential growth.
understanding what i want.
priorities and their placement.
what i believe and what i can live with.

and
the importance of praising one's self.
of saying to hell with arrogance,
this much i know...

it is important to be able to look at ourselves,
to turn the camera and look through the lens
and to focus on the good as well as the bad.

i'll be the first to say i'm not the kind of girl who...

wears matching socks
knows how to cook
has her life figured out

(the list goes on and on)

and that i like these things about myself.
and so i praise myself through what i am not.

but what about through what i actually am?




i wake up each and every morning and face my demons.
i look them in the eyes,
say their names aloud,
welcome them at my breakfast table.
i give thanks for the many blessings they have bestowed on me:
self-awareness,
empathy,
humility.

i take the time to examine where i am and what i want
and adjust to the teetering plate that is my life.
i am awake.

it was not easy to choose to step away from acting.
i thought of all the people i was disappointing,
of the four years of school dedicated to that one thing,
and all the money that went into it.
but i recognized that my health and happiness had to be
the first priority.
that if i were to every truly pursue acting,
the time away would be the most important and influential decision--a gift to myself
and my future.
and that it was a gift only i could give.

i recognize that it is not for me to judge anything harshly.
it is not for me to judge at all.
the path is long.
it wends and winds
and we cannot know where it will lead.

a friend recently asked what it is i want,
what is my goal?
i want to wake up every morning and feel like i've chosen my life.

i am not at a place where i know what the future holds,
but i am okay. with that.
i will live my way into it.
with eyes open.

the point is:
i am divinity.

"i am the miracle, i am the hand reaching out of the wreck."

we all are.

so let us praise that. defend that. live that.




quote from Day 4305
found in Jeffrey McDaniel's
latest publication
The Endarkenment.



25 comments:

Courtney Hope said...

I liked this so very much.
Thank you:)

Prianka said...

Thank you.

Estee said...

you are my inspiration.
i am 100% serious about that.

the only way i can put what i'm feeling right now into words is to say:

you go girl.


and i mean that with my whole heart.

xo
e

laura marie said...

love love love. truly. love.

brown eyed girl said...

Because of you, I discovered and fell in love with Jeffrey McDaniel's honest words.

This is beautiful and so inspiring. Thanks for being so real.

communikate. said...

well said.
well said indeed.

Amber said...

That was so beautifully put.
My friend just recently went through a similar struggle over giving up pursuing acting for so many different reasons that all boiled down simply to life.
It was really hard, but she put it best when she said, you can never really step away from acting. It is a passion.
You can stop pursuing the career for a time, but she would never give up what she learned about herself and others in theater school, nor the time she spent living with passion.
You're really inspiring and will do awesome things no matter what.

PS. In reference to your comment on ma post... Roadtrip to the grand canyon! to see the other wonders of the US of A.

Meg Fee said...

amber i'm actually headed that way end of march--to scottsdale for a wedding. come along!

Brittan said...

here, here.

i'm beginning to believe that if by the end of your 20s you are able to truly understand that life is about the journey and be freed by that, then you have been successful.

we can't know what life holds, only what we hold within ourselves, right?

...you always get me thinking!

christine said...

I love this post. Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from dreams, find new ones and carry on. Thanks for sharing yours.

Toni said...

Love Love Love Love this!

Molly said...

I absolutely love your blog! I recently walked away from being a journalist. I've not been in school for it too long but I've decided to cut my major to Secondary Education with a focus in English. Everyone around me tells me that I made a HUGE mistake because of the salary difference between a journalist and teacher. After reading your blog, I didn't feel like I was the only one that walked away from a passion/dream. Thank you so much!

Amber said...

Done. My bags are already packed!

Shannon said...

Thank you so much Meg. Thank you.

Belen said...

a-mazing. :)

Lola said...

I loved this. You're such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing.

IIDA said...

Thank you.

Kayla said...

This was beautiful. Thank you for showing us a glimpse of your heart.

Jalene said...

i love this, meg. it's written so beautifully. i feel the same way.

Sarah said...

Wow. This is perfect.
I am actually going through this exact thing right now... leaving all my (13) years of French studies behind to pursue an MPA and Museum Studies. Scary, no guarantees, and really no experience behing me in either field... but I'm choosing to pursue what I'm passionate about doing for a lifetime.

Scary is good. Because often that means it's important and makes us feel vulnerable, and that's where the most change comes from.

keep calm and eat a cupcake said...

wow, this is amazing; it's exactly what i'm in at this point in my life and was refreshing to read, knowing i'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings.

thank you : )

KK said...

Your writing is beautiful! This post puts into words the things I've been feeling.

Nikki said...

oh my goodness - you very eloquently wrote exactly what i've gone through. right down to the details - about acting - i know you're in NYC, I'm in LA, but it's all the same... I'm with you, friend.
Thanks for your honesty & a beautiful post.

The Rookie said...

"i want to wake up every morning and feel like i've chosen my life."

I love this. This is truth and honesty in all of its beauty.

beatrice said...

oh i needed this tonight... i feel everything in my life is uncertain and unstable but you remind me that it's ok to not set a path, as long as you have shoes.