from the desk of Meghan Anne Fee.

i've been thinking about names lately:

what's in a name, what they signify? why they can be so hard to shake? how exactly it is that i can fall for a guy based almost entirely on the sound of his voice as he says my name?

i mean is juliet (of romeo and juliet fame) right? is it so easy to "refuse they name" or that "...thy name...is no part of thee."

it's a glorious idea, the "call me but love, and i'll be newly baptized" but is it practical or even possible?

just before the fourth grade we moved to houston. and i decided to change my name--or rather, shorten it.

it was a bold move for a shy child who held the word of her parents above all else. a way of saying, i prefer this to the name you've given me. sometimes i feel guilt, even now at the age of 24, that i took from my parents something precious and sacred: the right to name your child.

but whatever guilt i felt then was not enough to stop me. so upon entering the new school i introduced myself as meg. and when my teacher began calling me meghan (school forms listed the name in full), i timidly raised my hand, whispered in her ear, actually, please call me meg, and it stuck.

i've lived for fourteen years now by this abbreviated version. even my parents call me this. so when someone calls me meghan i tend to balk a little. or... a lot. you know that game operation (the board game from back in the day)? you know how when you miss, the whole game buzzes? that's what it feels like--or makes me think of. my body has a visceral reaction at the assumed level of intimacy.

because the thing is... if my mother doesn't even call me by my full name, then why would anyone else?

i think...actually, names are important. they carry a weight. i always know that when a guy starts calling me by both first and last names that a new, unspoken of something has been reached or crossed.

we've started wearing name-tags at work. and this is how i know it's time to move on. you see, i think (and i know this is a totally unrealistic, romantic, foofy notion) that letting someone in on the secret that is your name is...well, a gift. and while if someone were to ask, i would always tell them, and i would always offer it up upon introduction...i don't know, it's having it emblazoned on a little metal tag that makes it not mine. and it is mine.

i've made plenty of goals for myself this year. and in thinking about them all, i recognize the common theme of courage--fearlessness.

i want to take more risks. try new things.

i'm looking for a new job. and attempting to fold some new things into the blog. for example this:

which you'll begin seeing on some new posts as well as some of my favorite older posts.

it has me reading everything up to this point. (like a book on tape, but for a blog). the good news is that it comes down to preference. if you want to hear me read the post, click-away. if not, don't. recording my posts is just one of many ideas, and probably not my best, but i'm willing to give it a try, so please bear with me.

this post is so scattered. and i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say.

i guess, what i'm trying to say is, i'm trying.

i'm trying to make my blog more of a priority. i'm trying to find meaningful employment. i'm trying to add pictures. i'm trying to break out of my comfort zone. i'm looking for all those moments when my body feels like i've taken a misstep with operation and buzzes away. i'm heading into those moments of discomfort, going in pursuit of the buzz--so that they won't always be so scary.

and as ever, i'm looking for the man who, if he were to say my full-name, my body would light up in all the right ways.

that's where 2010 is leading me. and i'm happy to be along for the ride.