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1.04.2010

from the desk of Meghan Anne Fee.



i've been thinking about names lately:

what's in a name, what they signify? why they can be so hard to shake? how exactly it is that i can fall for a guy based almost entirely on the sound of his voice as he says my name?

i mean is juliet (of romeo and juliet fame) right? is it so easy to "refuse they name" or that "...thy name...is no part of thee."
it's a glorious idea, the "call me but love, and i'll be newly baptized" but is it practical or even possible?

just before the fourth grade we moved to houston. and i decided to change my name--or rather, shorten it.

it was a bold move for a shy child who held the word of her parents above all else. a way of saying, i prefer this to the name you've given me. sometimes i feel guilt, even now at the age of 24, that i took from my parents something precious and sacred: the right to name your child.

but whatever guilt i felt then was not enough to stop me. so upon entering the new school i introduced myself as meg. and when my teacher began calling me meghan (school forms listed the name in full), i timidly raised my hand, whispered in her ear, actually, please call me meg, and it stuck.

i've lived for fourteen years now by this abbreviated version. even my parents call me this. so when someone calls me meghan i tend to balk a little. or... a lot. you know that game operation (the board game from back in the day)? you know how when you miss, the whole game buzzes? that's what it feels like--or makes me think of. my body has a visceral reaction at the assumed level of intimacy.

because the thing is... if my mother doesn't even call me by my full name, then why would anyone else?

i think...actually, names are important. they carry a weight. i always know that when a guy starts calling me by both first and last names that a new, unspoken of something has been reached or crossed.

we've started wearing name-tags at work. and this is how i know it's time to move on. you see, i think (and i know this is a totally unrealistic, romantic, foofy notion) that letting someone in on the secret that is your name is...well, a gift. and while if someone were to ask, i would always tell them, and i would always offer it up upon introduction...i don't know, it's having it emblazoned on a little metal tag that makes it not mine. and it is mine.

i've made plenty of goals for myself this year. and in thinking about them all, i recognize the common theme of courage--fearlessness.

i want to take more risks. try new things.

i'm looking for a new job. and attempting to fold some new things into the blog. for example this:


which you'll begin seeing on some new posts as well as some of my favorite older posts.

it has me reading everything up to this point. (like a book on tape, but for a blog). the good news is that it comes down to preference. if you want to hear me read the post, click-away. if not, don't. recording my posts is just one of many ideas, and probably not my best, but i'm willing to give it a try, so please bear with me.

this post is so scattered. and i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say.

i guess, what i'm trying to say is, i'm trying.

i'm trying to make my blog more of a priority. i'm trying to find meaningful employment. i'm trying to add pictures. i'm trying to break out of my comfort zone. i'm looking for all those moments when my body feels like i've taken a misstep with operation and buzzes away. i'm heading into those moments of discomfort, going in pursuit of the buzz--so that they won't always be so scary.

and as ever, i'm looking for the man who, if he were to say my full-name, my body would light up in all the right ways.

that's where 2010 is leading me. and i'm happy to be along for the ride.

43 comments:

miliusia said...

My last room-mate name was Megan, but most of it i call her Meg :)

p.s. your smile - amazing

Ashley Taylor said...

Names are really important to me now, too! I recently discovered I am pregnant (6 weeks along now!) and my husband and I had always talked about what we'd like to name our children, but now the impact and importance of giving someone else a name is more powerful to us. It is also very special. We've also talked about "what if our child changes their name" because one of our favorite men/authors, CS Lewis, declared at a young age he wanted to be called "Jack" and not "Clive." And that's what he went by the rest of his life! I think that there's something to be said for a parents sense of individuality and purporse in giving a name, but at the end of the day, it is more important and that the child or teen or adult finds their sense of who they are and if that means a name change to suite their identity, I think that is just fine. Sorry to blab, but your post got me thinking about all those theories and decisions again. :)

Emily said...

Gorgeous picture! I love your workspace behind you! It's inspired. I love reading your blog and can't wait to see what adventures await you in the coming year!!

Rhianna said...

"i'm looking for the man who, if he were to say my full-name, my body would light up in all the right ways."
Love that line, I'm looking for the same kind of guy

Morgan said...

we're happy to be along for the ride!
Names are super important. I've always been so thankful for 'Morgan.' My parents did me right. :)

RayRay said...

I used to call an old boyfriend "Mr. (last name)" and I've never been able to do it to any boy since.

... He's married now with children...

But still, it was a fun collection of moments in my life.

Jalene said...

first off,
beautiful photo of yourself! you are gorgeous, lady!

second, i can relate to this post because i've gone by my middle name my whole life. very few people actually know my real first name. i get that same reaction when someone calls me by my first name (instead of my middle name)... the operation buzz.

thanks, as always, for writing.

beatrice said...

your voice sounds like you :) also sounds a bit like jo, from little women (the new one, which i am ashamed to say i watched three times in december because it's so christmasy), when she's reading from her book after beth.

Krissa said...

I love this...and I LOVED to hear your voice..that is such a neat idea..totally not what i was thinking...haha...Its nice to be able to put a voice to you. :)
and names are so important...the most lovely sound to any person is the sound of their own name...and its so true.
I love your blog...and I LOVE that picture of you...dear Meg you are GORGEOUS!!!! That photo looks like it should be on a book or something...ya know where you can read about the author.
xoxo

iheartkiwi said...

Only my grandmother calls me Gabriela, and she was the one who picked out my name!

Everyone else calls me Brie... But sometimes I imagine Gabriela is my much cooler and confident alter ego.

So looking forward to following along with you for 2010... can't wait to see where it takes you!

Camilla Salem said...

well meg,
(i feel like i've been given that gift to know your name and be able to write you)
once again you have left me smiling. every post of yours i read i somehow end up with a smile on my face.

i'm pretty sure i found the right man...because my body certainly lights up in all the right ways - though it may have something to do with his cute accent.

aside from that...i just want to thank you for being you. and for writing so honestly to us, always.

i appreciate you :)

Camilla
-p.s. i tried to change my name to Leila - my middle name - when i was younger but didn't have the courage. i hated my name for most of my childhood and it still bugs me when someone pronounces it incorrectly.

m. estelle said...

ah! meg! i am loving this.
and you are beautiful.
the end.
xo
e

Marci Darling said...

Beautiful picture, Beautiful post!!!

Brittan said...

i looove that picture! you're so pretty!

my name is brittan claire (duh) dunham. i always hated my name growing up and wanted to change it or at least go by my middle name, claire. but i've grown into brittan and i love it now. wouldn't change it for the world. i do hate that i'm always called brittany but answering to it has become second nature.

and, yes, the best we can do is try. :)

Hanako66 said...

no I'M happy to be along for the ride!

I know exactly what you mean about when he says your name...it melts me still, 8 years later

Mary Q. Contrary said...

My parents named me Marylou and for a beautiful reason. Mary was supposed to be for the Maria from both my grandmothers and the Lou part was for my mom's name - Lucero. I love that reason but I feel like the name is so southern and it just makes me think of a hick. My family is hispanic but you'd never guess by looking at me (or by hearing that name). While I was at school I just had everyone call me Mary. Occasionally I allow some people to call me by my real name and it's okay. But if they introduce me to their friends as Marylou, I cringe and correct them.

Hope the new year brings you everything you hope for and more!!

CAPow said...

I know what you mean about names...when I worked a "name tag" job, I would ALWAYS hate it when someone would call me by name when I hadn't given it to them. I was really offended that they would be so presumptuous as to assume that they can just take my name and use it to address me without my permission...of course, my boyfriend thinks I'm insane to feel that way :)

aukergirl said...

what an awesome idea, recording your blog.

it's funny what power names have, how you associate certain names with certain traits. they're really very arbitrary too, what makes one person deserve a particular name, other than the fact that their parents like it?

laura marie said...

you're talking to a girl who has a notebook dedicated entirely to names that i would want for my child, because as silly as it sounds i think that a name carries so much weight on a personality... and maybe it's because i always thought my name didn't fit that i feel so strongly about it. i always thought "laura" wasn't enough, that everyone needed to call me "laura marie" like my parents do because it's more, well, me. so thank you for this post :) it hit home

Single Girl said...

i {LOVE} my name.

Celina

You can't shorten it.
It is hard to make a nick name for.

& I love it. It suites me. A little quirky, bold and rolls right off the tongue.

I love that my first name [CELINA] + my middle name [Maria] have meaning & sound good.
Its weird I know but whenever I hear a first and middle name that don’t seem to flow, it weirds me out.

My parents did well.

Karls said...

I've been looking at recording my blog since I started writing it... seems strange that I make a living through my voice but none of my fellow bloggers have ever heard me speak (bizarro).

Oh and there's definitely something in a name. I've had a draft sitting there for some time on my surname... why I didn't change it when I got married (besides professional reasons). I really should get off my arse and finish it! Thanks for the inspiration!

communikate. said...

yep. names are super important. i hate name tags. it feels cheap. too easy.

oh, and i have the biggest internal issues when someone calls me "katie." my given name is just kate. i don't like people assuming. weird. i know.

oh, hello. you're gorgeous.

Lynz said...

i love that we can listen to you read your posts...tone and inflection make such a difference! way to step out and try something new! good job you!

oh, and i totally get the name thing-i should have known it wouldn't work with some of my ex's simply because i hated it when they said my name, just something about how it sounded when my name came out of their mouth...

Allie said...

meg, i completely understand your attachment to your name. i find that mine defines me (allie. just allie. my name is NOT allison. truly. it is not.), just as you, whether you want it to be this way or not, will always, to me, be meg fee. that is how i identify you - with two succinct syllables that never in a million years will be able to define or describe all of the layers that make up you. it is such a contradiction in terms and i think that is why i enjoy it so much.

and kudos for your vocaroo addition! while i have read your posts in your voice (in my head), i can hear them in your own true, honest, naked voice. and that makes your blog all the more real.

i wish for you the best in the coming year!

Sara said...

Isn't that odd? I get little shivers when a guy to whom I'm terribly attracted says my full name.

~*"*Dia*"*~ said...

I'm so happy that I can also hear you! Such a marvelous idea! And brave one! It's totally out of the comfort zone because I know how silly sometimes feels to record yourself. But this...this is definitely a huge step! So, please, make it a habit, not just a try.
xoxo

Sara-Jane Elizabeth said...

I'm the exact opposite. My full name is Sara-Jane Elizabeth, and my entire family generally calls me Sara. But I kind of hate that since my best friend is named Sarah. So, whenever someone asks me if they can call me Sara, I always say, "No, my full first name is Sara-Jane. Please call me that."

Meg is a wonderful name. It suits you. I listened to your voice post, too, and it was wonderful. You have a great voice!

Jules Morrow said...

I now know you. thank you for your voice.

Courtney said...

I hated my name as a kid. Even more than my name? Corkie. Who in the hell decided that Corkie is a good nickname for Courtney? Thankfully it never stuck (thanks to the death glares I would give people when they used it). And I, too, tried changing my name when I went to a new school. Cory. Didn't stick though.

In just the past year or two I've decided that I like my name, and I love hearing my friends call me Court. I guess it's just knowing people feel comfortable with you, that they know you. It's so much more personal sounding to me. And then there's also certain people who I don't like saying it. I guess in a way I feel like you have to earn the right to use it. Like an old friend.

And Meg, you feel like an old friend.

Oh and also? I love the blog on tape deal. It just makes you even more real.

Holy smokes I wrote a lot.

Mariah said...

What a beautiful resolution. And I think the idea of reading your blog aloud is beautiful. I wish I had the nerve to do that, but I HATE having to listen to my southern drawl... HA!

Shoshanna said...

Love your desk area.. seems a perfect place to write.. Also seems like exactly what I would have done in my room had I ever put 3 seconds into decorating (apparently, white walls are my style). Maybe in my next-next home? PS Coffee. For real. One day. XO S

bandojoy said...

I love the blog-on-tape thing. It really makes it feel so much more personal, as though we readers are being talked to.

Sidenote: I have that sweater, got it this Christmas and love it!

Marisa said...

"i'm looking for the man who, if he were to say my full-name, my body would light up in all the right ways."


beautiful

ps love your work space...

kate. said...

Dear miss meg,

i love your name, the fact that you made it your own and became your own person in the fourth grade (bold and cool!), and mostly, I LOVE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE.

You are an excellent actress, I can tell. I want to watch a movie that you star in, full of monologues like this in it.. You are delightful to listen to.

Thank you, and happy new year!

kate. said...

ps.. you are beautiful too.

couldn't leave without saying that.

Isdanish said...

I love your new idea of recording your blog entries. :)

Kelsey and Riley said...

you look beautiful in that picture! also i love the wall space behind you! adorable.

brown eyed girl said...

I love that you're putting up more pictures! I know it takes guts sometimes, but when I saw this one...I cheered on the inside for you:).

You look great.
But more importantly, you look like you feel great.

ps: I'm excited to hear your posts now! I think that's an awesome addition to the blog.

Monica said...

I would buy everything you've ever written, just so I could read it.

You are so talented, Meg--and truly beautiful. As always, we are our worst critics and this picture proves it.

Michal said...

I've always kind of imagined us as friends. Is that weird? I hope it's not weird. Because now, besides us not actually knowing each other, one of the biggest absenses of this parasocial relationship was what you sound like. You have entertained me, inspired me, given me advice, made me laugh, shared your secrets, and now, even spoken to me.

I'm glad you've chosen to do this. I know that so, so many people feel the same way I do.

Kera said...

i love this post. i think you're beautiful and i'm looking forward to reading what you're up to in 2010.

jess said...

Names are very important.. (after just naming our first-born I know more than ever)... I am particular about how people address me.. If it's a first time meeting- it's jessica.. don't ever call me Jesse cuz it's a boy name and now I married one... to my friends ( which includes you) and people that I like it's "Jess"...

ps should we have another daughter the name Megan is at the top of my list...

Micaela said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this new addition to your blog. I loved hearing your voice with such character. I think the man you will marry will love this voice... in fact, i hope he hears your voice in a crowded bookstore or train station... i hope he looks up because he falls in love with this voice of yours.

and he, he will call you meg fee. his meg fee.

i really loved this post.
i'm happy to be along the ride with you and your new year. if it's anything like your posts after this one (the addition of pics, love!-your smile is light), we are in for a treat!

ps. THANK YOU for your comment on my BIG news. :) you were my first kindred soul on this wonderful blogging universe... and so you know that life, it truly gives you a fairy tale when you least expect it... even when your heart is broken.

all my love xoxo