I've moved! This page should automatically redirect in 5 seconds, but if it doesn't, then click here.


if only i could. peek, that is.

to my one-day-pal,

did you do school plays as a child?

do you remember the heavy velvet curtains through which you'd peek just before a performance?

ours were green. hard to pull apart.

those moments just before were the most exciting, weren't they?

the lights backstage all off.

peering through to a lit theatre, or auditorium, or cafeteria: rear-window in reverse.

i always peeked. did you?

i remember looking out during my first-year discovery project at juilliard. there were no curtains. no dimmed lights. open-air. i was in love with a boy then and wanted only to know where he was sitting.

and i remember a production during my fourth year, looking through wooden slats and spotting kevin spacey. word spread quickly and more than one performance was charged with that knowledge. silly actors.

i think all actors do it. peek and peer. no matter the performance space or the cost of the ticket. if they don't i'm quite sure i wouldn't care to be friends with them--too uppity about it all.
it's one of those necessary rituals. theatre as religion.

the moment just before.

that's what everything feels like right now.
like you're on the other side of that heavy, green curtain. and if i could just push it to the side and catch a glimpse--poke a small hole through the black paper covering the window.

like i'm in the dark room waiting to emerge in the light.

love, love,


image via sabino.


off switch said...

beautiful... you always write so perfectly what you feel, and i appreciate that, because i often feel it too. xoxo

Camilla Salem said...

gosh you are an amazing writer.

Micaela said...

meg fee, you are lovely. this is lovely.

beautiful post with always the perfect photo to go with it.

i can't wait for you to see him. for him to see you.

Jalene said...

again, so beautiful meg. i love it.

Brittan said...

oh yes, i definitely peeked. i remember that feeling every time something terrifying-slash-exciting is about to happen. that rush of giddy panic. yes, yes.

The Rookie said...

This made my Monday morning hum a bit. As always, thank you and thank you.

Anonymous said...

Meg! Every single post of yours is not only beautifully written, but also incredibly true. I adore the theater and while I'm not a performer, I know that feeling. The anticipation, and the amazement that all those people are waiting to see what will happen... a secret you're already in on. If only life was the same way, and we COULD just pull back the curtain to catch a glimpse of our futures. Love this!

Meg Fee said...

"a secret you're already in on"...melissa, i hadn't thought about it that way. what a fantastic perspective!

Emily said...

I love your writing - such an incredible voice and presence on the page! I would always get so nervous before a performance (I used to have voice recitals) and I actually never peeked out at the audience but just sort of perspired backstage (ha) and then emerged into the light to perform, completely oblivious of the audience. I merely existed in a special quiet place, inhabited only by me and the piece I was to perform!

Meg Fee said...

oh emily! i take it back, i'd want to be friends with non-peekers, too! if they have attitude like your's, of course. gorgeous.

Marisa said...

meg - i was never in plays... but my daughter as you know is and she is always describing the excitement they feel right before the show begins. I remember in one show they did... they had cannons built off stage (pirate ship) and the gap around them was just big enough ... she said they all took a turn peering through to find their loved ones in the audience... so cute!

Brett said...

I always peek Meg. Miss you. Hope you are well.

Elizabeth Marie said...

Meg. Your posts always cheer me up.

This is lovely.

Hanako66 said...

meg, this took my breath away!

Anonymous said...

Awesome post. That's exactly what waiting feels like for me too. Very well written.

Jayne said...

As always, Meg Fee, you've put me in a great mood. :) Lovely photo, too.

Anna said...

as usual Meg you've written something so beautiful! not only do i love the idea of writing letters to your husband-to-be, but this one in particular reminds me how exciting the future is! and i just love it.

Anonymous said...

i had a boyfriend when i
met my husband. and for
months before i met him,
i had been trying to end
it with my old bf. and i had
no idea why. he was good to
me, we had been friends all
our lives, i believed we could
be happy together. but i just
knew i had to end it and quick.

i knew something was coming.
and it was a feeling just like this.

Meg Fee said...

oh layla, lovely!! gives me great hope!

e. del mar said...

i am your number one fan of this post. i don't like gushing. but seriously. that's what it feels like.

Belen said...

you are just lovely. :)

Amanda said...

I love this. I wasn't in theater in high school, but I know the feeling. It would be so nice to have just a little peek wouldn't it? Just one little look at the man I'm going to marry...I don't know him yet, but I'm sure he's peek-worthy :)