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11.23.2009

or so i feel.


there's this line from the guernsey literary and potato peel pie society that i keep thinking about:

"What did he look like?" I asked, for I wanted to picture the scene. I expected it was a futile request, given that men cannot describe eachother, but Dawsey knew how. "He looked like the German you imagine--tall, blonde hair, blue eyes--except he could feel pain."

sometimes i think, just for today--just for today i will be the woman with the perfectly manicured nail beds who does crossword puzzles to completion and listens to this american life on a regular basis.

just for today i'll be the woman in the three-inch-pumps who woke at seven for her five-mile-run. and who can smile just-so and melt the heart of many-a-man.

just for today i'll be the girl who doesn't need months to warm-up to someone, for whom shyness is not a reality, but something read about in literature or dissected in art-house movie theatres.

who sits down to a meal. by herself--without four years of ghosts trailing just beyond her field of vision.

for whom sadness is a singular event--occurring intermittently at best. who can speak three languages and laughs sans snort. who cuts her grapefruit gracefully and and prepares her meals in advance. who always responds to emails and calls in a prompt fashion. who mails thank-yous the days she's finished writing them. by hand. whose handwriting doesn't deteriorate to scribble. ever.

who knows what day of the week it is when she wakes in the morning. and how much money she has in her bank account--wait, scratch that, who has money in her bank account.

but i'm not. i am not that woman. not today. not tomorrow. probably, not ever.

but today--today i can feel pain. and that's something.



13 comments:

Marisa said...

meg - i am in tears...the way you write just speaks to the holes i find in my heart/my confidence.
thank you for being you... beautiful girl.


ps i just finished "when food is love"... it may have changed my life!

danikreeft said...

"...without four years of ghosts trailing just beyond her field of vision."
dude. you can write. man, you can write.
i love it.

and i'm glad you aren't that woman you speak of. she's together and organized and free of flaw, but you are so much more interesting than her.
so today? just be THAT. more interesting, even if it does involve pain.
right? right.

Lynz said...

i think it's much better to be a real person-flaws and all, than to be the fake put-together person. if we never feel pain and hurt we can never learn to cherish the good times.

Hanako66 said...

yes, that is something...and you wouldn't want it any other way!

Sarah C said...

i think if you look closely, you have all the best parts of the girl you want to wake up to be. and the feelings you have just make that girl a relatable, down-to-earth reality.

but that's just what i think :)

jasmine said...

please never lose the snort in your laugh. i've got one too, and i find that a good snort just makes people laugh harder and enjoy themselves more.

Miss Carrie said...

"He looked like the German you imagine--tall, blonde hair, blue eyes--except he could feel pain."

Oh, I wish German guys would look like that. They don't, let me tell you that...

Anyway, this German girl over here shares your pain. But that's good, remember? As long as you feel pain, you're alive. And that's almost all that matters.

Stay strong!

sinéad said...

wow, this really spoke to me.
i think i speak for a lot of girls out there when i say that we all have "wishing" days like this-- some more than others, but we all do just the same.
but i'm sure you're your own perfection.

Kate said...

That girl sounds impossibly dull. I think you're better!

Meighan said...

When I first saw your review for The Guernsey Literary Trust & Potatoe Peel Pie Society, I went out and picked it up. I am really enjoying it, thank you so much for the recommendation.

PS. I have these wishing days as well.

Signorina Svizzera said...

"just for today i'll be the girl who doesn't need months to warm-up to someone, for whom shyness is not a reality, but something read about in literature or dissected in art-house movie theatres."
you capture it perfectly. why can i be so funny and free with my friends and so overly-polite (that is my adult way of being shy) with strangers? why?!
(that's what i ask myself almost every day, so i am glad to see i am not the only one)!
as always, you are brilliant.

ashley lauren said...

Your blog is a place I come for inspiration. Truly. And this post gave me chills.

You may have heard this quote, but I read it today and it belongs with your post:

"Nothing important or meaningful or beautiful or interesting ever came out of imitations. Perfection is static, even boring. Your unvarnished self is what is wanted." -Anna Quindlen

Katya said...

what a beautiful post! thanks for sharing.