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10.09.2009

in a day.


on monday night i chopped all my hair off. 
i needed a change.

yesterday, i bought myself an unforgivably expensive purse (euf. thank you birthday money).

and this morning i packaged everything i own into plastic bags in preparation for the exterminator. turns out preparing for bed bug demolition is like moving (without any of the organization). 

everything can change in a day.

two weeks ago i looked in the mirror and began to cry. i saw myself. as i haven't seen myself in four years. 

you see, when ned pitches a tent and stakes a corner of my life.... well, my face is the first thing to change. it swells ever so slightly which changes the overall appearance. it's not a big change. just enough to change... everything. so i looked in the mirror and cried because i thought, oh my god, my mom's going to look at me and see her baby girl for the first time in four years. 

when this thing... this ned...first came about it took so much time to interpret him--to learn his language, and convey his meaning to those around me. so by the time everyone understood, i feared most for my mother. she thought it was her fault. she hated that she couldn't help me. if there is anything unforgivable about the time with my eating disorder, it is the pain i have put my mother through. i know because i'm tethered to her. when she is sad, i feel her sadness tenfold. i can't imagine what she has felt throughout this--this process. 

so, that's what i thought, yes, my mom's going to look at me and see her baby girl for the first time in four years. 

and then of course the bed bugs descended. and my birthday. and the impending arrival of my family (we have a wedding to go to tomorrow). and if you don't know it by now... i tend to not do so well with big events. i've dampened many an important holiday in the past (i seem to recall a very difficult thanksgiving two years ago) and with the arrival of all these things, ned crept back in. by small degrees i allowed his onset. 

this... thing that today i cannot give more of a name to than just that: thing, is a constant lesson--an experiment in humility. just as soon as i am ready to claim victory, i am reminded that there is no such thing as victory. there is only this day. and tomorrow. and an endless fight. and that's not necessarily bad. because the fight won't always be hard. but it will be. the difference between a very healthy me and a very... not healthy me is at most two inches on the battle map. 

have you ever noticed that laughing looks an awful lot like crying? and making love can resemble a fight between two people? this world is made of infinitesimally small lines that we all traverse each and every day. 

the past two weeks have been not so good. but last night when i had the impulse to cater to ned's wishes (yes, that pun was intended) i didn't. and that's all it takes. one moment of unbearable strength where you pull yourself over the cliff and begin the slowly and steady walk away from the edge. 

so whereas i was not okay yesterday, i am today. and so yes, everything can change in a day.

when i see my mother tomorrow, i may wish that my face still reflected what i saw in that mirror two weeks ago. and i may way wish i looked slightly better in my dress, but, c'est la vie. there will be time for that in the future. so for tomorrow i will smile and know that my eyes hold all the me my mother will ever need to see. 

________________________________

back in high school i listed in on a lecture by a visiting shakespearean scholar. 

this is what he said:

the average american has a vocabulary of about 3,000 words.

the most educated americans possess about 6,000.

language fails us. all the time. every day. is it any wonder people suffer from any form of mental illness--when there aren't enough words to aptly express the full gamut of human emotion?

shakespeare's vocabulary? culled from all his plays and sonnets?

36,000. 

holy moly. 36,000 words. 

the man made them up. if it didn't exist. he created it. 

so on this day i wish i had all those 36,000 words to thank you all for your kind birthday wishes. i'd like to thank each and every one of you individually (and am hoping to... eventually) but for now i leave you all with just these two words.

thank you.

my birthday was a lovely oasis in the midst of these past two weeks. it's funny, 24 has gotten off to a rocky start. but i've never been so hopeful or so positive about what's just around the bend.

thank you. all of you. this thing--this blogging community--changes my life each and every day and helps me heal in a way unlike anything else.


love and thanks to you all,
meg

_______________________________

ps: one of the best birthday gifts i received was the knowledge that president barack obama was known as "barry" back in college. 

barry.

awesome.

my gift to you:



_______________________________

post ps: i am a child of october. october is the month the gods of baseball reign. the yanks took down the twins 7-2 in the first game.

game two is tonight.

let's go yankees. 



23 comments:

Morgan said...

I just love everything about this post. You're adorable. Have fun this weekend!

Thobeka said...

what a great post!
you had me glued to the screen...

...love Maegan said...

such a nice post. happy belated. hope 24 is better than the rest.

Fashionably Kate said...

Seriously. Every single post I've read of yours I think "Wow!She is good."
You're writing hits the spot every single time..

faryle said...

Every time I read something of yours I am so amazed by how strong you are.

And holy cow, Shakespeare had a diverse vocab.

Micaela said...

i've been thinking of you...

it's so good to hear from you.

love,
micaela xo

ps. Have you had any more dreams of Barry?

that IS awesome!

Maggie said...

Hi, I like your blog.

Have you ever heard of this?
http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/

It changed my mother's life about ten years ago (for the better) from the same struggles I see you write about.

Hanako66 said...

thank you.

good luck getting through the weekend and i want to see that hair!

Krissa said...

Oh how I have missed you...haha...truly!

I must say I loved everything about this post...the honesty and the courage!

I do want to see pictures of your new 'do' as well!

and I hope all goes well with getting rid of those bed bugs.

I hope you have a lovely weekend!

sheila said...

I'm glad your well. I almost thought for a sec that you took a trip to the end of the world for your bday. It pretty much sounded like it though.
Glad you're back!
Hopefully Ned doesn't like more mature women who are 24. Maybe this year he will move on to someone else- not saying you are old though- just that you don't need him. And he doesn't need you.

And maybe next year for your birthday {if I'm back in Hawaii} you can celebrate there and I can show you the house where little Barry grew up in. ha

oh, and I'd love to see some of those full body photos you were talking about- especially with that new bob. I'll get a picture of me soon with my hair on my blog like you requested- my hair isn't a drastic change though.

...and they lived happily every after !
{that was a novel of a comment}

Alexandra said...

Happy birthday, dear!

"this world is made of infinitesimally small lines that we all traverse each and every day."
brilliant.

I also get sad when my mother gets sad at things I do that I cannot control. I've been trying to love myself more and more, but it's still been heartbreaking- both ways.

Being vulnerable seems great for your progress. I wish I had such courage.

on a lighter note, I had a dream of Barry once...it was lovely. I remember him as being a delightfully fun person talk to.

omchelsea said...

Moms are hard. Getting married last year I didn't want her anywhere near my dress fittings because she just made me feel fat. And huge. Still! But life goes on no matter what you weigh and how round or bony your face is. I hope you love your bob :)

Spardha Malik said...

you every post is like a specrtum of emotions... all shades all colors coming together to form this white light of hope!!!

LOL @ Barry!

Spardha Malik said...

PS - I hope you keep your word about the 'full' length pics, meg!

more so now coz of the new hair!!

Miss Carrie said...

Ever since I discovered your blog days ago I could cry - I'm so grateful that there's a person out there who is as courageous, honest and truly inspiring as you are. Happy belated birthday.
And thank you.

laura marie said...

wow, did that hit home... especially the mother\daughter feeling when all of it comes back - and just the change in the face, WOW can i relate!

so so so wish you were someone i could go grab coffee with - and isn't that the goal of a blog, to relate to readers so well that they feel as if they're sitting at a corner table in a tiny cafe with you, sharing your secrets?

you've succeeded :)

iheartkiwi said...

there you go endearing yourself to us all over again. we are all rooting for you my dear.

each day is a new chance to try again... that is the beautiful thing about life.

Jen said...

"have you ever noticed that laughing looks an awful lot like crying? and making love can resemble a fight between two people? this world is made of infinitesimally small lines that we all traverse each and every day."

Thank god I found this blog while randomly browsing, your writing is so moving and makes me want to read every single thing you've written!

Also, your 'husband-to-be' letters are lovely to read, because your writing echoes what twenty-something single woman are feeling too :)

jcdelbalzo said...

I'm a new follower of your blog, but it's already become one of my favorites. I look forward to your posts, you have this way of putting things that is so beautiful. even though you're going through hard times, your optimism is inspiring to me. i know you'll pull through, you have a wonderful outlook on life.

kathleen said...

You are such a lovely writer.

Ali said...

I know I'm a bit late in writing this (catching up on blogs is hard WORK!), but I am always touched by your posts. And I need you to know this.

Marisa said...

you have been on my mind these past few days....

"i will smile and know that my eyes hold all the me my mother will ever need to see."

oh meg, this made me tear up... so beautifully put.
how is it that we can articulate these things to ourselves but when looking in the mirror... our insecurites creep back in.
i applaud your strength. and adore you even more than yesterday. if that were possible.
xoxo
M

angela hardison said...

my google reader recommended you to me yesterday and i spent a long time reading your words, your story, etc. i can relate in many ways.

you're an amazing writer and a beautiful person. i'm sure i'll be back for more!