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9.29.2009

a moment that shall pass.


i had a moment today. at work.

standing there in my crisp, freshly-laundered, black suit, itching away at the little red bites, i thought, i am four days away. another year.  and this is my life?

i've had many a moment like this, this past week.

polishing silverware. a moment.

cleaning tables. a moment.

standing in the midst of $500 dollar vacuums. a moment.

on the corner of 59th and madison. a moment.

lying in a bug infested bed with a boy who i did not wish to kiss. moment after moment after moment.

i could collect these moments. string them together. wear them as a necklace--a warning sign. trouble here. keep walking. 

"i'm damaged bad at best" paul elliot sings and most days i walk around wondering if people can see that phrase emblazoned on my irises. i see the world through a series of scars that make letters that make words that make a thought.

last night as i lay in a bed not my own, i reached into my memory and watched as the last four years clouded over. steam obscuring images obscuring truth. 

this--all of this. this is not an act of courage. it is cowardly and selfish. i write because i cannot speak. i am a mute parading as an artist.

21 comments:

Thao said...

you're beautiful, meg fee. i think writing is one of the most courageous acts in the world, especially writing publicly, truthfully, the way you do. we're blessed that you choose this medium in which to speak.

RayRay said...

You are courageous and you are doing wonderful things with your gift for writing. I had a "moment" today at work too haha... You can read about it on my blog today. This too shall pass, Meg Fee.

xoxo

Krissa said...

oh yes....i agree you are so brave!
i think sometimes in those moments we fail to look at the big picture...how far you have really come in the past year...it doesnt have to be physical material things...but psychologically and emotionally...I think you are amazing (this you already know) and I hope you realize how many lives you touch by simply writing...
Love ya!
{HUGS}

Ash said...

I know what you mean.

I love how you wrote this.

Lynz said...

sometimes its hard to remember that everyone is damaged.

we all feel this way.

we often judge our insides with others' outsides. nobody has it all together and each one of us struggles with our own demons...you are a strong woman-you will get through these 'moments'

Elizabeth said...

Meg Fee.

I don't know if I read your post right... but from what I think I read I want you to know...
I hope your memories of haunting moments become less and not more. You are more than the things that haunt you.
You are more than moments, days, or years. You are you- scars and all. You get to be you and do with your life what you want. This year is full of possibility- it's brand new... Joshua Radin style.
Good luck to you, Meg Fee.

Hill Top Star said...

Some moments really do suck.

Hope they pass quickly and you have bright shining moments that infuse your heart with warmth and hope.

In the meantime, keep being brave.

laura marie said...

this sounds like me writing... you are an artist. let yourself see that and feel it and wear it around. you sound like me, harsher on yourself than you would be with anyone else - give yourself a break, see yourself as we see you, as an artist... a courageous one :)

e. del mar said...

we all have necklaces.

~*"*Dia*"*~ said...

"i see the world through a series of scars that make letters that make words that make a thought" - this is breathtaking...And you write all these wonderful thoughts because of these moments, because of these past four years...

~*"*Dia*"*~ said...

P.S.- I have this "moment" each and every morning. And i'm younger. And I don't cope with bed bugs. And it doesn't inspire me to write.

Marisa said...

"i write because i cannot speak. i am a mute parading as an artist."

meg- i can not articulate a response to this as it has touched me beyond words...

cate said...

your writing is simply beautiful. keep keeping on, you'll find the light eventually.

Melissa said...

I can relate to your post completely. I think more people can relate to it than you'd even know. It's easy to look at other people who seem to have it all and feel like a mess, but everyone has their own issues whether you can see them or not. Everyone's at least a little bit damaged. It's how we overcome this and still look to the bright side that makes us who we are. Stay strong hun!

IIDA said...

Reading this makes me feel so hopeful. I know it's weird. But... it feels so good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Mary Grace said...

" i am a mute parading as an artist." I love this quote. Kudos to this beautiful and inspiring entry.

MMW said...

OMG you are soooo talented. The way you give birth to words - phrases - thoughts - and ideas. It is so moving. I can only imagine what the conception and gestation of your words would be like.

Mrs. B said...

Meg Fee = Talented. A beautiful shade of unique painted with the colors of past experiences. And with a future that belongs to no one else. What a freaking combination! Ahhh!

Micaela said...

meg, sometimes i have a thought... a feeling... and i can't put it into words. And then i visit your corner of the internet and find what i want to say.

and i fall in love with your words.
and an amazing thing happens... i feel less alone, less damaged.

you are incredibly brave. I could only DREAM of living in a City far away from my family... and you made so many brave decisions already. Look at your cute little place!

so on your approaching birthday remember that... it doesn't hurt to wish on birthday candles either. I believe that.

i'm sending love your way.
xo

Hanako66 said...

this would normally really worry me, but I went in reverse order and I know that your outlook is once again fresh, that you are once again optimistic.

twenty.something said...

I really like this post, and your decision to have good days. More people should do so.