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dear husband-to-be,

i've been thinking of you lately. and missing you. and wondering if it's possible to miss someone you've never met.

if there is such a thing as past lives then i must know you. and missing you makes perfect sense.*

sometimes i'm so thankful that you don't know me right now. that you weren't there for the dark period. that you don't know this ugliness in me.**

and then other times i know that this ugliness is not an ugliness at all. and it's shaping the woman you'll one day marry and i want you to be here for it. because it's important. and defining. and because you'll help me. you'll help me heal.

as a child i hated to dream. the dreams were either bad: nightmares. or disappointing: i'd wake to find they hadn't actually happened. no good came of night-time dreaming.

but last night i dreamt of you. i dreamt of you and it was good. and what i remember--what i remember more than anything else--even more than the butterflies in my stomach--i remember fitting into the crook of your arm. literally and metaphorically. and nestled there i knew i was home.

and so when i woke this morning i was anything but disappointed. you're near. i feel you near. come closer.

i miss you. come back to me,
your wife-from-countless-other-lives-before-this-one

*the thing about past lives (in my limited understanding) is that all your lives are populated by many of the same people. the people may take on many different forms, but their energy--their spirit or soul--is the same. so your husband in one life may very well be your husband in 80% of your other lives.

**this ugliness in me...well, that's ned. if you're confused as to who ned is look to my sidebar. and there you'll find many a link which will help clarify this grotesque and mystical creature.


Tina Tarnoff said...

this thing about past life, that's exactly how I look at people around me. there are people, like my husband!, that I know somehow we've been through things before. we know each other. and we'll go through things again. we'll meet again. and, you know, I've also missed my husband before I "met" him, and I knew he was there for me, and I was right. so, I'm glad you feel it too, and you'll meet your husband again soon. because he's there. because you already know him.

and regarding you nestling in the crook of your husband's arm... I love nestling inside my husband's armpit :), so I wrote a silly poem about it, and a little bit goes like this:
his cheek is resting next to mine, pores inhaling each other
hanging merrily over his back,
I sniff
and thrive
and glee inside his armpits
I've found a home

At last

glad to know you meg!

Elizabeth Marie said...

Awww Meg! This is absolutely amazing...I feel that way too, and I believe it's true and these feelings of ours arent in vain!


xo. said...

very sweet.

i used to write to my husband before i met him too!

brown eyed girl said...

I just saw a book about exactly that in the library the other day. about two souls that seem to always find each other through centuries of time and many lives.


by Suzanne Weyn

Ivy Morgan said...

wow, i've felt this same way lately. we will find our princes sooner than later...or they will find us :)

Diana said...

your husband to be has written the same letter to you. one day you will exchange letters. soon, hopefully.

Amy said...

thank you for articulating exactly how i feel. it's crazy how that kind of missing makes me physically hurt sometimes. but then i think of all the waiting and the pain he never knew. somehow i know it will make our reunion that much sweeter. everything will feel real and worth it. i know i wont take him for granted. i wont hold back. and having him then will mean more then having him now.

happy monday. you are beautiful.

kathleen said...

This is so lovely and touching.

kathleen said...

I can't believe I'm going to write this down, but you inspired me and so I will... I can't know for sure what will happen with the man I call my boyfriend in the future, but I know that I missed him before I ever met him... And when I did finally meet him I thought to myself, "Of course it was you. As if it could have been anyone else..."

Signorina Svizzera said...

I have been feeling the same, and I wrote to him again. I know exactly that feeling of missing someone you have never met, and of wishing he was there to help you through the tough times.
Every night I hope that I will dream about my future husband- and so far I never have.
keep on writing all yours stories and musing- i love them!

kSbl said...

loved this.
i completely agree with you!
And you know what, stop looking for him.

He will show up in your life (or already is in your life) when you are not looking.

That's what happened to me. I decided to really stop looking. And then one day my love and I started talking and we are now going to be celebrating our 4 year anniversary this year.

but i love how ur writing him all these letters. it's beautiful.


heisschic said...

you are good. ha, yep.

i hope that happy feeling sticks around for awhile- you deserve it to!

Helen said...

Oh Meg, this is so beautiful. You write these letters to him with such certainty, and I admire that like crazy. I truly feel as though he's real and waiting when I read how you talk/write to him. I can't wait for you to find him ... or for him to find you. I'm excited for you both.

Valerie said...

ohhhhh, meg, i love this.
i had a vision of my future husband a while ago. + it was so nice. + he is definitely nicer than the lying lame-o i just broke up with. i shall re-focus on this vision + turst it is coming. but i do wish he was here now:) he is surely getting closer.

Belle said...

I completely loved this.

I absolutely adore the thought of the people around you are the same souls that have always been around you in different lives and I completely agree with this!!

I love when you said "You'll help me heal"
this is so true. Having a person love you unconditionally like your future husband will, will elevate you and no longer will you think of negative thoughts as your engrossed in the love (- uh.. was that too sappy!?? haha! But, honestly its true, Mat has "healed" me in many ways! (poor guy for having to deal with me in different situations but I am eternally grateful to him!))

Also darling, thank you so much for your beautiful comment, made my day!!

LenkaLovee said...

what a stunning, touchin post..i lovee it! :)

Micaela said...

This made me want to cry. Good writing often makes me feel that way. I read a poem in the book I'm reading and totally thought of you. This post is perfect to why I thought of you...

I left my book at home so I will share later. xo

Thao said...

Oh, Meg--you're getting closer to each other every day. And I hope you'll still be blogging when you meet him, because I want to hear all about it! :)

Ria said...

your writing makes me feel more hopeful. so lovely.

Wisdom + Understanding said...

aw i feel so touched that you visited my humble online abode! haha :) I am having a missing-my-future-one night as well...but closing my eyes and picturing God's immense love is also giving me tingley shivers of happiness!!

joy refurbished said...

I loved this post. Completely.

Hanako66 said...

I love that you share this with us. I can't wait until you find him.

Micaela said...

Meg, as promised, here's the poem that made me think of you. I knew you would love it/feel it, as I did:

John Ashbery, "At North Farm"

"Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you,
At incredible speed, traveling day and night,
Through blizzards and desert heat, across torrents,
through narrow passes.

But he will know where to find you,
Recognize you when he sees you. "