i've been thinking of you lately. and missing you. and wondering if it's possible to miss someone you've never met.
if there is such a thing as past lives then i must know you. and missing you makes perfect sense.*
sometimes i'm so thankful that you don't know me right now. that you weren't there for the dark period. that you don't know this ugliness in me.**
and then other times i know that this ugliness is not an ugliness at all. and it's shaping the woman you'll one day marry and i want you to be here for it. because it's important. and defining. and because you'll help me. you'll help me heal.
as a child i hated to dream. the dreams were either bad: nightmares. or disappointing: i'd wake to find they hadn't actually happened. no good came of night-time dreaming.
but last night i dreamt of you. i dreamt of you and it was good. and what i remember--what i remember more than anything else--even more than the butterflies in my stomach--i remember fitting into the crook of your arm. literally and metaphorically. and nestled there i knew i was home.
and so when i woke this morning i was anything but disappointed. you're near. i feel you near. come closer.
i miss you. come back to me,
*the thing about past lives (in my limited understanding) is that all your lives are populated by many of the same people. the people may take on many different forms, but their energy--their spirit or soul--is the same. so your husband in one life may very well be your husband in 80% of your other lives.
**this ugliness in me...well, that's ned. if you're confused as to who ned is look to my sidebar. and there you'll find many a link which will help clarify this grotesque and mystical creature.