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spring is hard.

ned gains strength in the spring. the shock of not being able to cover every inch of my body in making-winter-bearable-clothing steamrolls me each and every day.

today something broke. something deep inside me. and i couldn't stop crying. so i said, to hell with it, i don't care if my tub does need a good scrub--i'm taking a bath anyway.

i climbed in, silently sobbing with my too big breasts feeling uncomfortable as they touched my crouching knees and water rose slowly around me. the tub was only half full when the warm water turned cold. so i turned the faucet. and sat there as the water quickly receded.

i never wanted big boobs. i say this and most girls balk. lucky girl, they say. and i'm forced to explain. my mother didn't have them. growing up, my standard of beauty was a small-breasted woman and i thought it was perfection. mine were small. once. and then ned showed up. and everything became bigger. and as the pounds piled on, i grew breasts. but they don't feel of me. instead i feel an impostor. they are borrowed, stolen--unnatural in some way. i'd gladly give them away. i'll always have my big butt and that's enough for me.

i keep thinking about lady macbeth's speech where she offers up her womanhood. asks it to be taken from her. i don't think lady macbeth was singularly evil or greedy. i think she hated herself. desperately. i think she hated herself so much that she put all of her energy into the one outside thing she thought would change everything--the one thing that might just fix it all: power. she wouldn't mind killing her own child for it because how could she love something born of a person she loathed so deeply? and the thing is she never had a child. so she didn't know. she didn't know that she would love that child. that that child would grant her more power than any title ever could. and so when she does attain that power and nothing's changed, she loses it. she goes off the deep end.

i feel sorry for her. because on some level (albeit a much, much smaller one {don't worry mom, don't worry dad--i'm fine, just going through it this week}) i understand. for me my panacea is weight. if only i were skinnier. if only i was thin. then all would be right in my world. then i would be confident. then i would have the guy of my dreams. the dream job. the postcard picture of a life.

but maybe the thing to be learned from lady m is this: so i get thin and then what? i realize it's not the cure-all and i'm spent spinning even further off course. there is no solitary remedy. no single spoonful of sugar. no marry poppins magic here. just life. and sometimes you just have to weather it, spring or any other season.

that's not to say i wouldn't give my big boobs back. if given the chance.


Diana said...

ah, i got a breast reduction in junior high. they still somehow managed to grow. I feel your pain.

~*"*Dia*"*~ said...

I used to be skinny. Then I started working at the office. 8 hours a day sitting in a chair, eating sweets, I gained some weight. But my boobs are still small (tiny, microscopic):p For me weight is not an issue (yet), but I think there isn't a day without telling to myself that I hate myself. It's not depression, I just tell myself that, I've got used to it. And I have a good job, "the dream man" as you were saying, people say I'm talented, I used to be one of the best students in my class. But I still feel uncomfortable with myself. If someone compliments me, I feel bad, if I do something good that I should be proud of, I feel bad, when I do silly things (not necessarily important things) I feel so embarrassed. I'm almost scared of people, always have a feeling of anxiety in my soul without even noticing it. But in the same time I feed this way of thinking. It's like a barrier that I put in order not to become an arrogant person. Or maybe I'm a perfectionist. It's hard to explain. I think about the reasons, I have no idea what the problem is. I've grown up in a loving family, so it's not it. I've even found a name for this mentality: self sabotage behaviour. I guess we just have to get used to what we are, learn to love ourselves and go on. I couldn't belive my eyes reading what you wrote because you seem perfect. Beautiful, smart, popular. I am so flattered when I find your comments on my blog. But I know that from inside oneself it's hard to have a correct opinion about oneself and even harder to change it. Be strong, Meg! And keep writing about your feelings. I feel stronger when I know I'm not alone.

Alexia said...

I left a note on the wrong entry. Pickle.
I'm pleased that you like my list. It was a bit spontaneous. Go right ahead and steal!
Also, crying in the bathtub- totally. I also love crying on the balcony putting the clothes out; sunset optional but preferred. I don't like crying in the shower because I can't feel my tears.


Krissa said...

I am scared that in losing this weight i will loose my boobs...I definitely do not want that to happen.
I can understand the thought of where do you go or what do you do next. what happens when you do get thin...does that mean the "dream guy" will come? I have come to the realization that "He" will come when the time is right. and no matter what he will love me for me. But FIRST I need to love myself. which I think it one of the hardest things to learn how to do. Its so gradual. But by truly loving yourself you will better be able to love others.
So whats next after you become thin? will you be happy with your body? Im not sure there is any women I know who is truly happy with their body. There is always something...
Cry it out...and by sharing and these feelings your growing and becoming stronger!
Okay...sorry that was so long...

Helen said...

Being a Meg Fee Cheerleader, I can tell you this: I'm standing on the side, watching you and Ned having it out, and it's all I (and all of your readers) can do to cheer louder, to scream at the top of my lungs, "C'mon, Meg! You can do it!" Even in the moments when you feel most alone with this thing, please know that we (all of us) are rooting for you something fierce.

I had/have a Ned. We have it out every now and then. Sometimes he wins ... but then I challenge him to a re-match, because I know what I'm made of.

You know what you're made of. And if you forget, your cheerleaders will remind you.

Keep on with you bad self, Ms. Bombshell. You got it going on.

Kirsten said...

I always thought it was so unfair that I'm fat but don't even have the big boobs to go with it.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I'm sorry Ned is such a jerk and bringing unhappiness into your life. Ned is in my life too and he sucks and makes me feel bad daily. Hourly. Because of him I feel guilty, disgusting, weak, lazy, and like a big pathetic failure. I have a 4 year old daughter and I am terrified that I will cause Ned to be a part of her life too.

Keep fighting the good fight. You're worth the effort. You're inspiring and much stronger than you realize. I may be a stranger but I can still see that clearly.

Lauren said...

I've always hated my boobs too. They've brought me to tears more times than any person I've ever known. And like you said, the worst part is that they don't feel like they belong to me. I don't picture them on myself so when I see them in the mirror, it's shocking. I don't have any words that make it better, except to say, I feel you. I hope you cheer up soon.

jess said...

My mom is very petite and my dad is soo not- needless to say all my sisters took after my mom cept me... It's hard being 4 inches and 30 pounds heavier than all of the girls but I am the smartest (some say the prettiest) despite my size..
It's taken a while to love myself and appreciate my differences but I can honestly say I am grateful for who I am (most days)... and on the bad days I remember a phrase from this amazing book by Og Mandino "This too shall pass"

Tina Tarnoff said...

I want to give back my boobs, too, and I haven't given up thinking that life would be better and simpler if I was thinner. But you're right, it never is. Why is life so hard, Meg?

Hanako66 said...

I have small boobs. They finally got a little bigger (for my small frame), but I have lost weight and somehow, they all came from my less than ample chest. I don't think that we are ever happy with what we have.

I do hope that days start looking brighter for you...I'm rooting for you Meg!

Micaela said...

Great post. A good cry goes a long way...

I know I've gained weight when my boobs get bigger. To me that's the only thing I get happy about :) but, on another course- I know what you mean!!!

meg, your writing is always beautiful! just like you.

Carolyn said...

I couldn't agree with Helen's comment more. I am a HUGE Meg cheerleader and I say, "bring it on Ned, she can handle it!". But I can only imgaine how heavy that load is to carry on a daily basis and I wish I could carry it for you.

I was TOO skinny growing up, you know, the awkward does your mom feed you, skinny. It was hard, it was ridicule and self loathing in the same way but different.

I'll be praying for you.

autumn said...

I am a lurker, but I had to peek out of the woodwork for this one. Thank you for writing it, I spent a good amount of the last week sobbing in my bathtub, trying to make the tears warm up the water when my heater fails me. I have a pesky NED in my life, he eats at me even more the warmer the weather. You're blog has really made a difference in seeing that I am not the onlyone with this brand of NED. Thank you so much for your bravery. I am baffled by people who are transparent and so inspired and moved by them. So, thank you.

Shelby Lou said...

yipes. I don't have big boobs. Never will. Unless some crazy happening happens. I just have this goal, to never let my stomach be bigger then my boobs. unless I am pregnant.

I need to go work out now.

I also need to learn how to be an amazing writer like you. it is intense

Dave & Heather said...

I feel for you...I have always had big boobs (started growing in FOURTH GRADE - let me tell you how fun that was with boys snapping bra straps and you're as timid and as shy as a lone deer). None of my friends developed till middle school. I always felt like an outsider because of them, and so they do not feel a part of me. They're not mine. In my head I'm a manageable 32B. But on the outside they swallow my being; they're the only thing the world seems to see. And now that I'm pregnant, they're even bigger. It seems they will always control me. I will have a hunchback from hiding them all my life, so insecure, so hurt by them.
I know these days all so well. I wish I could tell you they go away at some magic point in your life. I haven't discovered the cure for insecurity and horrible childhood memories. Nor have I raised the funds for surgery. Part of me wants to embrace them and move on - but the larger, deeper, feeling side of me can't seem to let the hurt, the anger, the deep-down sorrow if it all leave.
I don't supposed this gives you much comfort. Just know that there are other women out there with "knockers the size of texas" that share in your agony. We're a band of sisters that hold together when the rest of the world thinks we're morons for not loving our well endowed upper half.
Even though you don't know me, or I you, I love you all the more.
Tonight, take a bubble bath in candle light. Things always seem clearer, more intense, so intriguing in candle light. And it's so much more forgiving. And what the hell? Throw in a few rose petals. They're not perfect either.

mimi said...

oh, what I would give to not be a 32G, otherwise petite little thing. It is the most tiresome pain in the ass, feeling so out of proportion. I only hope they don't get bigger. In the past couple of yrs they've crept from E to G (or maybe it is just recently that I've had the nerve to wear a bra that really fits, and accepted what it said on the label). But despite losing weight, getting fitter and otherwise smaller, they show no signs of going anywhere.

and your perspective on Lady M feels so spot on. I can't remember where I read it - something on how we should try to live in the present, rather than that "if only... if only..." place. It's very hard but I know from enough experience that even when you do gain that much yearned for "if only", nothing much changes. But I can't stop wishing for a cure-all, even if i know once cannot exist.

Jennifer said...

I'm not thin by any means. I've been trying to lose weight since I can remember. I never even had a boyfriend until I was 18. But I have to say, when I met my current boyfriend, he loved me for who I am, weight and all. He doesn't have to look PAST the weight, because he loves me as me, no matter if I've got extra weight or not. You can't worry that you need to change yourself in order to find a good man who you could marry. Then what happens if you get married and you gain weight? He still has to love you. So whoever the right guy is, will be a guy who loves you for WHO YOU ARE!

Natalie* said...

i can't tell you how many times i've sobbed the same sob.

the boobs. a barometer of my weight.. of my self loathing... of my one obstacle.

but is it really?

i don't know.
with time, i'm starting to get it. to feel good in my skin even if it isn't a size 2...
i have days (like today) that rock me and kick my butt to eat better, to move more so that i feel good in my clothes .. but most importantly, in my skin.

yoga. prayers.

then you get injured.. and realize how amazing it is to move your toe.. to point your foot. so insignificant but so profound.

this body is ours for a reason. you only get one.'
i think i'm going to love mine. --34d or 34e....

caitlin said...

I liked how honest this post was. I like how honest all of your posts seem to be. I'm sick of looking at blogs where you can tell people are pretending to appear perfect. I think people are bland without a little realness and flavor. (or is that flava?)

Ash said...

Meg, I always really appreciate your honesty. Your bravery continually inspires me. Though I have a smaller chest, I have other body issues... and I hate that is has to be that way. I get so sick of the way women are programmed to think of themselves in our culture... why am I not fine the way I am? Why do I have to fit another definition of perfect? It's so hard... and it's always going on. I feel you... but just know that I (and many, many other people) think you're beautiful!

Justine said...

i really love you.
and i really love shakespeare.
and i really love what you did here.

Wisdom + Understanding said...

don't hate your big boobs - i am learning to love love mine and i'm a 30 G. my advice - save some money - go to a specialty bra store and buy 3 that are actually your custom size and then your breasts feel so NORMAL and HAPPY like they should.

oh but on that note, after i'm done with babies and breastfeeding... i want to downsize to a happy C/D... i think proportionally it was the best look for my bod :)

Nicole said...

Meg I'm 5'6" 120 lbs and I still feel like crap about myself at some point everyday. If I lost weight I'd look sickly, but sometimes it's hard to see yourself as something beautiful because you know what you're really like, you know all the little nasty secrets about yourself and that can be very damaging to your self esteem. But I know who you are and I see the beautiful woman you are both inside and out. so be happy my love!

Courtney said...

I couldn't agree more with the last bit about realizing that getting thin isn't a cure-all. That's how I find is easiest for me to keep the "Why am I never able to change ___ about myself?" question at bay. I always try to remember that if I didn't have that little bit of something to continually strive for (or be irritated by), what would I blame my unwarranted bad days on? Ha! I'm kind of kidding... but seriously. If I didn't have that to complain about when I feel like complaining, where does that frustration go? At least if the frustration is directed at something that is change-worthy, it isn't for naught.

P.S. Kick Ned's ass!! You can do it! He's a jerk and he deserves every bit of butt-kicking you dish out to him. :-)

Sandy said...

"if only i were skinnier. if only i was thin. then all would be right in my world. then i would be confident. then i would have the guy of my dreams. the dream job. the postcard picture of a life."

I've been following your blog sporadically for a while, but only just discovered your ned entries. First, you are brave and wonderful for posting this. I love reading your thoughts (and the comments they evoke). It's amazing how closely my thoughts match yours. Even today I was thinking the exact same quote as above. I mean verbatim. Scary. Thanks for sharing and hopefully I can work on getting my ned out of my future too.

nancy said...

I'm reading through these old posts of yours and finding myself saying "yes, yes, yes!" to all of it!
your skill is an amazing one, and I beg of you to never stop.

anne taylor said...

Oh lady, this is so my story. When my body started changing as the binging got worse, I didn't feel like my body was mine anymore. I wanted nothing to do with it, didn't even want to be associated with it. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk to little girl me, what I would say to her. If she approached me and told me all these things, I'd let her cry and comfort her and tell her that those things aren't true. What a cruel thing for a little girl to believe. But I still say all these things to myself. You're so right. If thinness is the goal and it is reached, all the other problems will still be there.