you'd like to leave me with a little life advice? why, yes, please, come in, take off your shoes, advise away...

the thing about working way too much at a myriad of jobs that, while you're extremely grateful they pay all the sky-high bills associated with living in new york city and while you're extremely grateful they're still around while you're for the first time--at the age of twenty-five, mind you--learning how to save, they zap you of energy. because they are not the means to something else, they are not in any way associated with your great artistic loves. 

and when you find yourself with a day off for the first time in...two weeks, maybe? maybe more? you don't get out of your pajamas until around three, and only then because the promise of target is too much to resist (because the promise of target is really the promise of st. ives apricot scrub, and a new lamp, and maybe a new pair of kick-around-summer-shoes). 

the hardest thing about being exhausted all the time is that my healthy eating habits fly out the window. i confuse exhaustion for hunger and then guilt barrels in and before i know it i feel like i've taken two steps back.

so today, on this, my day-off. i plan to realign. i will head to target for the necessities (toilet paper, paper-toweling, and soap among other things). i will make a batch of cheesy kale chips to allow for healthy-snacking. i will clean the kitchen and the bathroom and scrub between my toes. i will light a candle and say a prayer and give thanks. i will reacquaint my body with some form of movement. i will organize the junk drawer that is more junk than drawer and i will try to be kind to myself. to forgive myself. to allow my mistakes and triumphs to live in harmony.

so, on this day--this day of "day-off" celebration, i ask you this...

when you feel like your little locomotive has jumped the tracks (the locomotive being your life, in case that was unclear) how do you get back on? what are the rituals you subscribe to that bring about balance and self-love and a little stability?

while visiting with my two-and-a-half-year-old friend:

sometimes right after little zoobie wakes up from the nap that she's now fighting against with every fiber of her being we watch curious george. or madagascar. madagascar 2, that is. for thirty minutes. that's what she's allowed. and she drinks her milk. and we both eat her pirate booty and letter crackers (if there is one food group i could subsist on it would be that of children's snacks). and yesterday as we sat on her parents bed watching madagascar, her smooshed up against the oversized white pillows and me hearing the movie for the first time, i was struck by this:





Listen Moto Moto. You better treat this lady like a queen because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect women. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect women I would give her flowers everyday and not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids, white, and breakfast in bed... six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust. The way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I'd spend everyday trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most, most amazing laugh. Well that's what I would do if were you.






all of it coming out of the mouth of a giraffe. 


it was awesome. worth seeing the film just for that. 




(ps: if the man i end up doesn't think i'm the most beautiful or the smartest or even the most fun, so be it. but heaven help me, i sure as heck hope he'd follow me to the ends of the earth for my laugh). 

small fries.

i almost started to cry yesterday, during work.

because working on a sunday is hard enough: i'm always most aware of my own family being elsewhere. and a not terribly near elsewhere, at that.

and because i've been working so much lately. and i've lost track of all days of the week. and i find i'm exhausted. all the time. and so my lenten resolution of keeping a clean living space has fallen by the wayside. and yes, yes, i know lent is over! but it turns out the resolution was quite helpful and kept me quite calm and so yes, i've decided to carry it into the rest of the year. after all, my corner castle is much more enjoyable when the bed is made and the trash is put away and i don't have dishes stockpiled on the bookcase.

and i meant to write this morning about man kryptonite, because i have indeed unearthed the thing and how cannot i not share that discovery? actually i've been meaning to write about it for a few days now--it's that exciting and dangerous--the power must be shared. but not today. perhaps, tomorrow? you'll meet me back here tomorrow for that? fantastic.

and i have little writing ideas typed into the notes sections of my iphone but that autocorrect was at it again leaving me with a note of no sense and i have this wily, little notion that the autocorrect transformed what i wanted to say into something of no meaning: Nick there in the evenings. that's what it says. but i have no idea who this nick character is or why i should feel the need to write about him?  nick, nick! are you out there? who are you?


oh goodness this post itself is a thing of no sense. i have a long day before me. of one job beginning at ten followed by the closing shift at another which ensures at least a twelve/thirteen hour work day (this thought may have been the one to bring tears to the brink last night). am i complaining yet? i'm good at complaining.

i know. small fries, this stuff. small fries. and not forever.

because there is so much good for which i can give thanks. for the sun casting it's glow over manhattan on this day. for the promise of a meeting with an old friend tomorrow. for the concert on friday. oh, yes, and my family and my health and on and on...

happy monday, then. non?

for my mother.

i was not the little girl who grew up knowing i'd one day be a mother.

i was not the little girl who imagined my own little girl.

but this remarkable thing happened. after gradation i spent some time taking care of some wee ones, and as i read them stories i heard my mother's voice in my own.

i am not afraid of motherhood.

i am not afraid to be a mother.

i with great patience and anticipation await the day.

i have every confidence that i will meet that holy phase of my life with surprising resiliency.

because i had the most remarkable of mothers. because she created the way. gifted me a road-map. instilled within me all i will ever need to know.

and for that, along with countless other things, i bow down to her today. i give her thanks. and wish her the happiest of mother's days.

i love you, mom.




(ps: remember that time in third grade i made you a mother's day book in school and on the front cover i glued your head on princess diana's body? it was that i thought you'd look really great in that blue dress she had on).

my manhattan: saturday night edition

featuring al fresco dining (courtesy of spring) and my good friend alex.
ps: alex things i'm gonna be on the view one day. i think,  fingers crossed. 

what i'm eating.

because i posted about ned this week, i thought it only fair to let you in on some of the small daily choices that keep me feeling satisfied and strong. 

i'm at point in the process of learning to eat well where my great focus is not calories or quantity, but the quality of the foods i put in my body. i want simple foods. vegetables and fruits. foods that are as unprocessed as possible.

spring and it's trademark warm weather is certainly allowing for some fresh and vibrant choices. what follows is something of a my spring-time playlist: 

1. avocado on toast. (or if you're feeling really adventurous, avocado + tomato + lemon juice + a sprinkle of salt {on toast}). this one is as easy as it comes, but a little concoction that i'll eat morning, noon, or night. i had it the first morning i arrived in australia two years ago and i've been eating it ever since. i'm almost always a sweet person, but in the morning savory is my jam, so i turn to this staple again and again. for bread i usually use those new 100 calorie bread rounds (whole grain, not multi grain) or ezekiel food for life (sold at your local trader joe's or whole foods). for me the lemon is the best part--the natural flavor and sweetness makes me think i'm eating nature's own version of candy.

2. green monster. i'm not a fan of this smoothie the way everyone else is. i don't love it. sometimes i don't even like it. but i tolerate it. because i know it's good for me. and i know that sometimes we have to eat things strictly because they're good for us. and if i can manage to start my day off with something so loaded in fruits and veggies i'm much more likely to make positive food choices all the live long day. made of spinach, banana, ground flax seeds (you gotta grind those suckers yourself each day for the best health benefits--let me suggest a free-standing coffee grinder which can be purchased for about ten bucks), and almond or rice milk.

3. potato chips (otherwise known as fries). potatoes are one of my most beloved staples. cheap and easy and pretty darn filling. lately i've been taking two small white potatoes cutting them nice and thing, mixing in a tiny bit of virgin olive oil and salt and baking at 400 until they start to crisp. serve with ketchup and voila, done.

4. arugula and capers. it should be known that despite my weariness regarding their appearance, my love for capers knows no bounds. and then there's arugula. the spicy, little firecracker of the lettuce family. together? my spring meal of choice. i dress in a tiny bit of a combination of olive oil and walnut oil (with lemon if desired) and salt. and if you'r feeling really adventurous, add toasted pine nuts.

5. cookie crumble concoction. i will forever be indebted to uncle eddie's cookies. their chocolate-oatmeal-walnut flavor is the best i've ever tasted--and i've tasted a lot. to this day, i can't bring a bag of eddie's cookies home because i lose all control (i eat the bag all at once, one sitting). but what uncle eddie really gave me was the knowledge that vegan baked goods can be incredibly good. so i went about attempting to make my own. and so i made banana bread and raw cookies and a version of the girl scout somoa. this last thing was not my great triumph--it was a tricky, little recipe that produced something resembling brittle. that being said, this week i came up with my own little free-standing cookie mix that is a cross between almond-joy and the samoa. ready? okay: in a food processor put raw cashes, raw almonds, a ton of uncooked rolled oats, a small amount of coconut oil, agave (and vanilla should you so choose). if you're feeling really adventurous add in unsweetened coconut flakes and ground flax seeds for amped-up health benefits. i eat the mixture as a crumble as opposed to fashioning it into cookie bites or balls because that consistence allows for less oil and agave. put in a cup with a few vegan chocolate chips and it's heaven--truly, the best thing i've ever made. i'm at the point now where i just eye the proportions, but next go round i'll try to measure it out and give you all a proper recipe. for now the most important thing to say is that i put more almonds than cashews (it's a heart healthier nut and adds tropical texture).

some tunes for the morning (and some hair help. yes, hair).

i know i've been posting a lot of music videos.

and i know this might annoy you.

but the thing is.

it's like i'm 16.

living in the '60s. and having just discovered rock 'n roll.

and my rock n' roll is youtube. youtube, i tell you!

so bear with me, okay.

but also this post exists because i need advice--opinion--encouragement...

i've been ooshing for a haircut. and the girl in the video at 27 seconds (in the polka dots)...yay, nay? could i pull off that short hair? because i kind of love it. but i don't know if have the guts. or the bone structure.

red capes.

i have this idea for a world in which we all wear our stories stitched into superman capes unfurled behind us--emblems of humanity.

i just think it might make understanding and loving and listening to everyone else a little easier.

and, let's be honest, it'd be super fun.

my manhattan: central park in bloom, green food, new friends.

about those green pants.

disclaimer: for those new here, 

this post is a continuation of a very long story,

about ned (a nasty, little eating disorder)

i struggled with for years 

and am now in the slow process 

of recovering from.

for mor info click here.  

i'm gonna let you in on a little secret about those green pants...

the morning of those pictures i made my glitter sign (tracking sparkle all through the house), donned my green pants, set the camera to self-timer, and clicked away. 

and what i got were the photos you saw: green pants, sparkle sign, and me looking...happy, i think.

but upon first seeing the images i thought, oh, my legs look fat. 

and so i took a breath. 

and then allowed another, more rational (read: healthier) part of me to say, doesn't matter. 

and i made the choice--and yes, it was a choice--to let the doesn't matter trump the oh, my legs look fat. 

now i know some of you might be thinking, isn't the oh, my legs look great an even better choice--an even more powerful statement? to which i say, maybe. but, i think that choosing to give no value to what they look like is the ultimate goal. because then, whether they look good or bad or blue or long, it really doesn't matter--it doesn't change my day, it doesn't affect how i'm feeling. it has no power to undo me. 

there are still days i am undone. still days i feel like i've lost six years of my life to this thing. still days i feel i'll never be as thin as i need to be. 

i've been thinking a lot about what it is the eating disorder gave me. because anyone worth their salt will tell you there's a reason you keep it around. i fought against this idea as much and as hard as i could (for as long as i could). if there was one thing i was clear on, it was this: i hated the eating disorder. i wanted it gone. i wanted nothing to do with it. 

and then, just the other day, it came to me. it was not the binge i needed. it was the moment after. those brief, fleeting moments when after yet another rock-bottom, the only direction i could look was up. those brief, fleeting moments when the binge was done and a blank-slate was before me and i hadn't yet screwed up and anything was possible and maybe just this one time i. would be. perfect. and so i made lists and rules and nearly impossible-to-keep regulations because yes, indeed, this time i would be perfect. this time i would be different. this time i would be...someone else.

i think there's this idea that the thin version of ourselves is actually a different person. and oh what a dangerous, little idea this is! because let's say you become thin, you reach that goal weight, and yet you're still the same. and you still have the same fears and anxieties and chronic frustrations. and that dissonance--that disconnect between who you thought you'd be and who you actually are...that's the first crack. the first fissure in the foundation--the very thing with the potential to undo it all. 

i remember thinking as my first year of college ended...i'd like nothing more than a vacation from myself. i'm the one person i need a break from. and so i went home, worked at a job i hated, and lost somewhere between 15 and 19 pounds. and then returned to school in august. 

and, turns out, i hadn't gotten that much needed vacation. so i attempted to vacate myself, and where i made space, an eating disorder rushed in. 

there is still an underlying frustration and anger that countless medical professionals, educators, friends were unable to help me. but at the end of the day the eating disorder took root because...

well, because, i didn't love myself. (i don't think i even liked myself). 

i thought i did. or, at least, i didn't realize that i did not. 

i've never admitted that before. but there you have it. 

the process of getting better--of recovering--has really been the process of falling in love with myself. and let me be clear, it was not a process of learning to love myself, but of actually falling head over heals for myself. for my dark brown hair and caustic sense of humor. for my big feet and ostensibly gracious demeanor (i've got you all hoodwinked!).

there is a joy that follows. that comes from learning to look on yourself as God or the Holy Spirit or your inner divinity looks on you. it's the closest thing to Heaven i've ever known. 

it's still a day by day thing. good days and bad days and heavenly days. but day by day, nonetheless. 

"whatever comes," 

she said, 

"cannot alter one thing. 

if I am a princess in rags and tatters, 

i can be a princess inside. 

it would be easy to be a princess 

if I were dressed in cloth of gold, 

but it is a great deal more of a triumph 

to be one all the time 

when no one knows it. "

frances hodgson burnett, a little princess

via. 

half-naked men, cigars, and new york city: a teaser, if you will.

today, you can find me here...

talking about the story of my life. to-date. sort of. kind of.

i'm such a fan of jenni and her gorgeous corner of the internet

 and was so honored when she asked me to be one of seven bloggers

 to guest post while she's away in south america.

check it out, if you like. and let me know what you think...

almost ten years later. (a pseudo-political op-ed. skip over as desired).

i was sixteen years old, sitting in first period world-history when news of the first plane hitting the tower came.

and i laughed.

because it was outrageous--unfathomable. and i was sixteen. and terrified. so i laughed.

the world had ended. in that moment, some version of all that i had ever known, ceased to be.



last night, the news of bin Laden's death came in. via twitter--yes, certainly this is a different world in more ways than one.

i don't own a television, but i opened up the new york times live feed in my browser and marveled that modern technology would allow me the convenience of watching the President's address. live.

and as i waited for the President Obama and his speech and some directive as to how i should be feeling, i thought:

tomorrow, i might wake up, and it might be a new world all over again. and that might not be a good thing.

what will the aftermath bring? what repercussions await us here?

am i glad that a man pumping so much pure hatred into the world is gone? of course. is there a sense of sweet relief? i think so--maybe just a little.



truth be told, i don't know as much as i should--about any of this. about the politics or the conflict or why some decisions are made and others are not.

i appreciated Obama emphasizing that we are not at war with Islam, that Osama was not a Muslim leader.


however, it was the following that unsettled me:


and on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al-Qaida's terror: justice has been done. 

justice has been done.

(i'm gonna let that hang there. in the air. for a minute).

i understand the sentiment. i understand what was trying to be said.

and yet...

 an eye for an eye?

there's this line in macbeth--perhaps my favorite in all of shakespeare. macbeth murders the wife and children of macduff. and macduff is urged by another to change that grief into anger and to avenge the loss of his family. to bring about revenge on the bloody and ruthless macbeth.

and macduff turns around says: he has no children. 


and those four words, those four words say it all,

there is no equal justice.



justice has been done. 






justice has been done?

there is no. equal. justice.

it does not exist.



in the immediate wake of september 11th i remember being particularly upset by images of people around the world taking to the streets to celebrate and cheer.

let us not be those people now.

i would like nothing more than for a wave of the unity that overtook this country following that fateful day in september to return. but let us not be those people cheering in the streets. let us not be shortsighted. let us not lose sight. let it not be one more death that incites that within us.

let us quietly bow our heads, give thanks, and go about working for change and unity, as opposed to assuming it is our right. let us, as americans, lead by example. let us practice that too-often-under-utilized wonder-drug, humility.








(please do note, these are my opinions. we are all entitled to our own. keep that in mind.)

it is may, today.

it was over a month ago that i saw noah and the whale in concert. which means it's been more than a month that i've now inundated you with videos and posts gushing over my love for them.

it was the following song that did me in. that called out to the very deepest part of me. maybe it's the roundabout reference to hamlet, or the gospel undertones, or the simplicity of it...

but as my friend dion says, it is my jam.

so in honor of may and my great hopes for this month i offer this one (my very favorite) up to you:

day by day, old joy, comes back to me. 





let it be a good month.


ps: (in search of the very best {and inexpensive} letter pressing company to print this quote in simple dark blue or black lettering on a white background. thinking it will look really great in a giant frame in this new corner room i so love. any ideas of good people to contact?)