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2.20.2012

week: oh hell, i've lost count, i don't even know anymore.


















i just know that someday i'll look back on this last month, hard as it's been, as a formative moment in my life. as a time when i began to love the city as i once imagined i might. when things though small and new felt vibrant and important. when happiness grew and deepened even as i spent nearly every long subway ride taking deep breaths and fighting back tears. it's two in the morning now and i can't sleep because i'm mourning the last six years of my life. does that sound ridiculous? there's just this sense that that chapter is closing. and i should be down on my knees giving thanks for that and i am, dear heaven above, i am. it was an impossible time. and i would never go back--could never go back. and i've been coming out of it for a good long while now and i just... holy hell, there are no words for this. and even if there were, perhaps they are not mine. too sacred to share, somehow. i can't say that this next chapter will be any easier. and i sure as heck don't know what it holds, everything still feels murky and dark and totally unknown, but suddenly there is a forward motion that wasn't there before. and the only way to move on is to let go of what was. and while it was awful and terrible and i'm certainly not proud of the person i was for such a good chunk of that time, it was still formative and important. and so even as i celebrate the future, i must mourn what was. two truths, one in each hand. happy and sad. past and future. a balancing act of the two. (have i mentioned i'm a libra?).

decide what to be and go be it. * 




*the avett brothers (of course).

17 comments:

Ro said...

that's exciting for you. gives me hope that this depression in my life will one day lift, no matter how long it seems to take

Maria said...

This is so exciting, even though it's so terrifying at the same time! You're going to do great in all the adventures that come your way! Your writing is beautiful, as are you!

Franziska said...

Let yourself (past present future) be hugged from this stranger an ocean away! Movement is life... you are living. All is well.

smiles,
F.

Ms. Chapatti said...

For most part of life I feel it's murky and dark, and for me I guess once I made peace with it, it all seems so much better. Beautiful even.

And that avett brothers line always makes me so hopeful!

Lottie said...

I hope that this new chapter is brighter and happier than the last but just as informative. I think you deserve this at least.

I feel the ending of this chapter and the beginning of a new one and it is nice to feel that forward motion that I been wanting for quite a while.

Unpublished Life said...

Good luck moving forward!

The term bitter-sweet comes to mind.

http://unpublishedworksofme.blogspot.com

Ana Magdalena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
debbiecutieface.com said...

I'm so glad you're in a happier place<3

Emily said...

Sending you comforting and celebratory hugs!

communikate. said...

does this mean new adventures are ahead for you?!

i'm glad you've found a happy spot in life. it's the goal in life isn't it? to just be.... at peace? calm. smiling? i don't know, maybe that's just my goal in life.

you look beautiful in your play attire! good on ya, meg!

katilda said...

yes. YES. i was reflecting on this recently, as a beau of 2 yrs has found himself another lady and i've been watching my life change around me and i try to explain what the last 2 yrs have meant to me and done for me and done TO me and all the words get stuck in my throat. i love this, because i understand it quite clearly: "holy hell, there are no words for this. and even if there were, perhaps they are not mine. too sacred to share, somehow."

Jennifer Rod said...

this post makes sooo much sense to me Meg, except i feel like i just walked away from mourning the last 10 years of my life. i mean it wasnt all bad, im sure you feel the same, but it was just hard. im so ready for something new. i dont know if you felt the same, but i mean, i was just fed up with the dragging that shadow...
here's to new adventures, for you, me ... freedom is so good... let's not turn back.

colleen said...

even when you leave bad parts of your life, you do mourn it, because it's still you. because it still meant something and now it's lost. but if you are moving in the right direction, and into something that makes you the person you want to be, it doesn't get better than that.

Ramona said...

could not relate with you more. The past holds so many memories. Good ones and bad ones and still... you learned, you grew, you became more you and sometimes the letting go is the most important thing because you make room to move on into a bright future. White, blank pages before you ready to be filled with words of new adventures, new memories and everything that is waiting out there that you are called to be and do...
So... that mourning in between time... it's ok. I guess. It's preparation and healing...

Abigail Leigh said...

Man, The Avett Brothers get me every single time.

A guy came into the restaurant I hostess at with a Avett Brothers shirt on and we had a ten minute conversation about music.

Then he tipped me five dollars and told me a show date for The Avett Brothers, and mentioned his wife went to school with them.

Best night ever.

Kate said...

Although I'm only 18, I for sure feel a connection with this post.

Beautiful words, as always.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words.

I saw you in Spark and just want to say you evoke the same light and beauty you do on this blog. Congrats.