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1.12.2012

the need to say.

i got home tonight positively alight with the need to put pen to paper.

to expel the clawing, clamoring words.

it's been so long since i've felt the immediacy of that push--the inner-gnawing folding the stomach in on itself.

but the need to write, the words, they were nothing if not fragmented. cutting shards.

and where to begin?

i am not so patient. and i am not so strong. and i can't wait. i want to. but i can't. because it's fair to no one. i have to let this one go. cast it up to the fates and move on. trust that if it's meant to be, it will. was it just one lie that was told? or many? were there things misremembered and confused or were they just not remembered at all? i worry it's all too far gone. worry i'll never be good enough or pretty enough, that'll we'll never meet as equals. and i know this penchant i have for speaking honestly, for saying everything, can alarm and undo, but it's as much who i am as the dark moles littering my skin. it cannot be rubbed off or snuffed out--i've tried.

really, i'm not so strong--a common mistake. and the turmoil and disease of contradictory thoughts, well, i struggle with that, am wounded by that. perhaps i could choose the bits i want to believe--listen to the gut. but i am human, and woman, at that. and the thoughts, the warring words, they're just not enough. i'm not asking for more. that would be unfair. but know this: i am as terrified and fallible and deeply insecure as anyone else.

and so i offer it up. all of it. i throw my hands up, casting it to the wind, trusting the dust will settle as it must.

15 comments:

debbiecutieface.com said...

you're a wonderful writer and more than enough. You'll be okay.

katherine said...

b'hatzlacha.

Ana Magdalena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lottie said...

I glad you are back wanting to write and this is beautifully written.

I love how you write so honestly--I am finding that harder of late, really must try harder.

ladydazy said...

You are beautiful and you have such a true gift with words.

jessa said...

you write with such soul. the real stuff. not the stuff people call soul because it feels good. but the stuff that's real and true and a little jarring. real soul.

you are not alone. we all get here. if we mean to get anywhere at all.

trust me. you are beautifully written ;)

Kim Bryant said...

You are enough, simple as that. And I am a fuller person knowing you

Erin said...

wow, i love this! i love the end. i am doing the same, and trusting that the dust will settle as it may is all we can really do. :) thanks for this.

Toni said...

Beautifully said! I relate so well --oh the contradictory thoughts! Mine seems to be a constant battle between logic and emotions --practical reality and idealistic goals; and I don't know that either is ever truly happy because of the contradicting thoughts of the other... Ah, life :)

Britti said...

Beautiful.

AJ said...

hi meg,

just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your writing. i don't know what's eating at you, but your words are just vague enough that i can relate your thoughts to what i've been feeling lately (after a completely non-dramatic breakup from a long-term on-off boyfriend), but just specific enough that i can tell they hold deep meaning for you, too.

thanks for that.

AJ

Kate said...

So incredibly honest and beautiful.

aftertheartifact said...

beautiful. makes me think of this quote by nabokov: “The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.”

vintch said...

it will settle. but the time when its suspended in the air is just as beautiful. lovely as always.

Emily said...

"and i know this penchant i have for speaking honestly, for saying everything, can alarm and undo, but it's as much who i am as the dark moles littering my skin. it cannot be rubbed off or snuffed out--i've tried."

i love this and me too.