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i got off the A train at 181st street around midnight last night.

from the train platform to the entrance of the street is nine stories. you can choose to take the stairs or long escalator up.

i hurried off the train last night, toward the towering, long escalator, and found myself in step behind a taller man, blond, dressed in an impeccable suit. and walking behind him i thought, this man reminds me of someone.

but i couldn't put my finger on it. couldn't dislodge it from that proverbial tip of a very real tongue.

it started to drive me nutty, who does this person remind me of? it wouldn't come. there were murky images and half-formed thoughts, but still, even now this morning as i sit with my coffee, a lit spiced egg-nog candle just off to my side, i haven't really a clue.

the strongest thought or sense or notion, is more that it's someone i've yet to meet. not the man i followed behind, this really has nothing to do with him, it's that he reminds me of someone i've yet to meet.


and yet.


i don't know.

it's been happening a lot lately. this pervasive feeling that i have exciting news to share and then thinking, well, what is it? and coming up blank.

everything feels so on the cusp. just over the ridge. beyond that next hill. so close--closer than ever before.

but what if it's not?

you know when you've can hear a really great song in your own mind? and it sounds so good rattling around up there that you attempt to sing it aloud. it's clear as a bell to you, perfectly crystallized, but when it comes out, oh dear, hideous. the journey between your mind and the mouth, the surfacing that has to happen, it distorts, mistranslates.

i feel like that's where i am: a song surfacing. coming through water for air. on the way up, so very near to the surface. but what comes out, well, that has yet to be seen.

it could be nothing short of disaster.

or not.

i don't know.

i just feel like i'm nearing the end of this nine-story-long-escalator. and as for my sense of what's waiting at the top when i get off? murky, half-images, at best.


RetreatingAndAdvancing said...

Blond? Impeccable suit? Maybe he reminded you of Barney (how I met your mother)! Hahah, just joking..
I know this strange feeling..

Rachel said...

I feel the same way: as if I'm on the cusp of something, of really living my life and what I've been doing up until now has only been some kind of vague prologue.

wildchild said...

i thought for sure this was going to be a story of how you met ryan gosling! or at least spotted him, since tip-of-the-tongue would suggest you were too shy to actually approach him.

regardless, i'm excited for you to see what's above there when you surface. it's going to be splendid, i just know it.

meg fee said...

ha ha! i don't think ryan gosling would ever be at 181st street--but holy heck, i certainly WILL meet him one day. and i will stare. you better believe that!

Robby Spratt said...

Meg, this is such a great post! I love your description of thoughts that we have probably all had from time to time, and the unique New York imagery is really cool!
I think I have been on the very escalator you describe.

hrck the herald said...

You are such a talented writer.

And I envy your being in NYC with so many well-dressed men. The same cannot be said for DC :)

Sash said...

do you know how soothing it is to read something you've been trying to put in words to yourself for months?

thankyou. always a pleasure.

JacPfef said...

you're writing just gets better and better.

Megs said...

A man I know showed me a picture of himself from the 60's and in the picture he looks like someone else....if only I could think of who that someone else is.

I am so glad I am not alone in this.

Mackenzie said...

and what a pretty song you will be, my dear :)

Emy said...

oh oh, i know exactly what you mean, only you describe it better than i ever could....just found your incredible blog and expect to remain a devoted reader for as long as you keep it going....thank you.

The Heart of the City said...

This is so exactly how I feel right now, it's scary. I guess that's what happens when one quits their job to pursue their passion? Exhilaration, uncertainty, excitrment and fear all rolled into one. I hope the end of my escalator is bright...

Mel said...

Sometimes we forget how to enjoy the cusp, the breaths of air before the plunge, before the other side. The moment knowing everything that we are right now, which makes enjoying what we will be that much easier and more rewarding.

As usual, well said.

Celeste said...

As always, loving this. I hope to write like you someday.

Valen said...

Amazing!, this reminds me a lot to a song that says "pretending that we'll meet, each time i turn a corner i walk a little faster, rushing to a face i can't define as yet, keep bumping into walls and taking lost of falls... and thinking you'll be there i walk a little faster" how awesome is that, i used to walk feeling exactly like that, like there really was someone we're all supposed to meet jajaja it's kind of exciting :)

nancy said...

it seems to me that as soon as you let go of what you were trying to think of or find or sing out loud, it comes to you - or out of you, in the case of the latter - as effortlessly as taking your next breath.
I'm so happy for your excitement :D

Lottie said...

I bet something amazing will be at the top of that escalator!

And I feel like this a bit at the moment...something is going to change and shake me to my core and its going to be fine...but I don't have a clue what it is.

Or maybe I am weird and have eaten far too much cheese before going to bed?

Samara said...

Hi Meg ... I recently found your blog and just wanted to say that I really love what you talk about and how you write about your life. I understand how life in NYC can be and also how confusing this in-between time is. I also feel like I'm waiting for some change, can feel it coming but am not sure what or where it is. Thought this quote made me think of your writing!
"It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it." ~Erika Harris

hope you are having a good week!

meg fee said...

oh samara! i'm posting this quote tomorrow--absolutely gorgeous, vital and needed! thank you for sharing!

Samara said...

No prob Meg, just really loved that quote ... I've been feeling displace too! Also, would love you to check out my new blog! Think we can relate :)

Samara said...

www.deconstructthegirl.com ... hope you find it interesting!

Abi said...

i wish i could write like you. you always know what to say, and when i write i feel overwhelmed and i forget what words mean, or the word i need is suddenly floating around in the air and not letting me catch it. sorry for the rant. i'm just a little jealous :)