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11.25.2011

thanks-giving, indeed. for this, i give thanks.

it happened two days ago. the day before thanksgiving. a preparatory miracle, for the holiday.

i awoke and i knew. immediately, i knew. before my swollen feet had even hit the cool, creaking floor, i knew. it had passed, lifted, moved on.

or perhaps it had simply moved through.

this bout of blue was done.

it sounds so naive, doesn't it? so simple? you wake one day and it's no more. but that's how it was. that's how it is.

an energetic shift, a tilt. like moving your weight from your heels to the balls of your feet.

what struck me this go round--in the immediacy of the lifting fog--was the absence of fear that colored the last three months. that was the difference.

i awoke without fear. the kind that presses in on your chest, makes breathing difficult--a low grade panic you learn to deal with, resign yourself to.

but upon waking two mornings ago, i felt fearless, unafraid, filled by such faith. faith that all will work itself out. that i will find meaning, find purpose, fulfill a calling, be filled with such love as is written and talked about and dreamt of.

and in the presence of such faith, the other things fade. it's not that they disappear or have no place, but the focus shifts and they recede, find their proper place. it is the turn of the lens and the subsequent clarity.

order restored.

and the return of words. suddenly the delicious, glorious onslaught of words! welcome back, old friends. welcome home. 


i can't tell you for sure what caused the shift. whether it was the fresh flowers i bought this week, or the new haircut. i don't know if it was the popcorn and small glass of white wine i had the night before last at one in the morning after returning home from work.

maybe it was the moment a month ago when i literally felt God unfurl himself within my chest. great flaps of wings spanning the width of my shoulders.

the week in texas helped, i'm sure. walks on the bayou. walking, moving, energizing the body.

maybe it was the necklace that's meant to symbolize open-heartedness that sits flush against my chest. or the men's gingham shirt that i got from the gap and makes me feel sexy in a way few dresses ever have.

maybe it was the consistent and constant love of those who so kindly support me.

i don't know which of the small things did it, which of any of the things i've done day after day over the last three months caused the shift. perhaps it was the accumulation of all of them.

it's alchemy. magic. or just a moving through.

the trick is not forcing the shift. it's preparing for it. being ready so that you can catch it as it rushes past you. and then holding on as it takes off. a willingness to go along for the ride.

does any of this make sense?

hmm. maybe it doesn't need to. maybe some things are best left in that realm of half-sense, half-absolute-miracle.

22 comments:

RetreatingAndAdvancing said...

it does make sense! I'm very happy for you :)

Allie said...

This is beautiful. What a wonderful feeling. :)

Amanda said...

It makes sense. And I am glad you are feeling so happy, uplifted, full of joy, and all those things you dream of, will come to your life. Here is hoping for the Europe and Red Vespas that you dream of. In the meantime, enjoy the journey. It really is about the little things, and sometimes it can be a struggle, but the trick is to keep going.

Valesus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jorjiapeach said...

<3

Tara said...

What a beautiful feeling that must be. I've had this heaviness in my heart for years, and I just wish I could wake up someday have it be gone...It's suffocating.

LouBoo said...

Hello. This makes absolute sense and I think it's inspired that you can recognise it as it's happening. Surely that's a lot to do with recovering from the blues rather than suffering the blues? The strange thing in life is that it's only when you look back that you see how things were; or at least that is what I have noticed. It gives such a better degree of self awareness for me when looking back and it's heartening to read your words to see that you have a similar instinct. Lou x

Kate said...

I'm so happy for you. I don't think it's something you can rush, but when it does happen it is such a relief. I think it's the little things that keep us somewhat sane during the hard times.

debbiecutieface said...

I'm so happy to hear this<3

Jenni Austria Germany said...

every time i read one of your especially moving posts, i think, "this one is my favorite".

but no, really - THIS one is my favorite....until next time.

kat said...

you rock that gingham shirt like few before or after.

Captain Serenity said...

Hi Meg,
I am Stephanie and Alaina's dad John, I am a minister in Muskegon Michigan. I really enjoy your writing and would love to send you an e mail or two if that's ok. I know exactly what you have experienced in this latest one, trust me, you are not alone.
Rev. John Williams
lateniterev@yahoo.com

Irene said...

The shift is beautifully and eloquently expressed. Happy for you and hope you'll be prepared for the changes that will come. :-)

Devin said...

Oh gosh, this is the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time. It made my heart swell and fill up. I hope you know how much you help other people (like myself) through your writing.

Lottie said...

Makes perfect sense to me and I am here waiting for that shift...that shidt back to the true me.

kate said...

i know what that's like! one of the best feelings--glad for you.

KristyWes said...

Cool :)

Emily said...

I am so very glad to hear/read this.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

This made such beautiful, perfect sense :) I'm so glad you're feeling so happy!

Mackenzie said...

this made my morning to read, meg dear :) god is a pretty sneaky one with these moments, make sure you clutch it in your hands and hold on to it :) xo

wildchild said...

that must be one of the best feelings ever. drink it up. and rock that shirt. i'm glad you had a good holiday too, in your underground new york :)

Elizabeth said...

I've spent this weekend indulging: too much food, not all of it super-duper healthy for me, too much red wine and too much time spent on the couch watching silly tv and reading silly magazines. But I also spent this weekend catching up on my favorite blogs and your writing is truly a favorite of mine. It's inspiring and honest, one in which I connect with.
I read this entry and tears filled my eyes; I "get" what you describe and felt joy for you.
May you continue to capture this new ride you're on and enjoy it. Sometimes it really is the little things that bring us true joy, a combination of that and faith, and loved ones and timing.
I'm looking forward to enjoying my favorite blogs much more frequently...and your writing pulled me back in :)