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10.20.2011

fear and new york {and Portugal. The Man}



i followed a twitter feed yesterday. (when did twitter get to be the most helpful and exciting social media app?) and found myself rsvp-ing to see Portugal. The Man at the lomography store on west eighth street here in new york. i sent the email off with no real hope of anything. 

and then today, just hours before the event, while at work, i got an email confirming my ticket and my +1. so in a mad rush i went about finding said +1. this is what i learned/realized: many of my friends (and people i'd most like to go with) do not live in new york. many, many more of my friends are successful and have jobs that don't allow for such off-the-cuff planning. 

so i started to waver: should i go. should i not go. i'm meant to see the band in boston on saturday. i got two tickets (one for me, one for my brother) as a birthday gift to myself, from him (smooth, no?). only i didn't run the date by him first so...i'm headed to boston. to see Portugal. The Man by myself  (really, really smooth).

anywhoo, to go or not to go. 

i was tired today. i'm always tired nowadays. and i've been feeling low and blue. i wanted nothing more than to come home take a nap, run some errands, do the laundry (and let's be honest...hide from the world).


and i was afraid. afraid to go by myself. 

but if i'm living in new york, if i'm going to live here, in new york, hell...isn't this precisely why people love the city--where exposure to these sorts of things is prevalent and everyone is alway rubbing elbows with someone exciting and story-worthy. 

three months ago i would've gone. no questions asked. three months ago i felt bold and confident, three months ago i didn't care if it meant standing by myself in a corner for two hours sipping white wine while waiting for the event to begin.

but today i felt fearful. and lacking. and because i was so afraid, because fear was dictating, i knew i had to go. 

so i did. and i did stand for two hours. by myself. in my stodgy, black work-clothes and my tried and true blue rain slicker. (let's just say i was not in my hipster-best). 

but i was so proud of myself for going. for reclaiming some of that girl i tapped into mere months ago.

and it was so great. the music was so great. they are so great. they were the last band i saw at lolla this summer. and as their set progressed, all of us there in grant park watched as a massive rain storm rolled in. and just as they began the last song, the sky opened, and lord did we dance and slide and get a little muddy that day. so it seemed fitting that sky deluged new york today. 

Portugal. The Man is my rain dance music. my be-brave, get-wet, dance music. and don't think i don't have a thing for every single one of the guys in the band. 



on a separate note: there was this brief moment, when, before they had opened the upstairs to the public, i somehow wandered up there (no security) and found myself face-to-face with the band's drummer and a gaggle of others only to turn right around on my heel and high-tail it back downstairs. no one stopped me. no one said you can't come up here. i should've sauntered right in and started talking to everyone as though of course i'm meant to be here. but, that's a level of bold i'm still working on.

hey boys, saturday night. in boston. be there, be square. 


20 comments:

jorjiapeach said...

eeeeeee!! so jealous. and at lomography. love.

Anonymous said...

This gives me hope that the confidence that was so fresh, new, and empowering to me a few months, yet recently dissolved so quickly there was no trace left, can indeed return to me. Thank you.

wildchild said...

good for you, girl. i'm proud of you.

but next time, you had better waltz right in there and flirt it up. you deserve someone sexy who moves you.

Taylor said...

I LOVE THEM!! Just saw them at the beginning of the month. Best show ever. The only thing that could have made it better was the rain clouds clearing and the dancing as you described. Now that would have been something.

Bon Bon said...

you go girl! gettin' a little sass in your life! Portugal. The Man is so amazing and so very Portland:-) xoxo

LouBoo said...

Hi, I am new to your blog and so at the moment I am just loving anything you post (whilst admitting that to me, Portugal is a country I visit every year rather than a man...however!). There is an ache in your writing that I find really haunting and I feel like I need to read back to find out what happened between now and three months ago. Are you OK? Going solo is brave, no matter where you live. The pressure of living the dream when in a big city is massive so hats off to you for embracing the fear. I like what you write. So I am really delighted I found your blog - although to be fair, whilst there are only 11 years that separate us and an ocean, we probably could not be at more polar ends of life. I don't mind that though, if you don't. Take care, Lou x

Jenni Austria Germany said...

dang. i totally would've been your +1. and with our combined boldness, we'd probably be betrothed to 2 of the band members already.

Lottie said...

I would have been there with you if I lived in NYC and you had called.

And although you might be wondering where that bold confident girl has gone, just think what an achievement it is that she did. She will come back again: of that that I am sure!

Lauren said...

Hmmm...Are you sure we're not the same person? So much of what you write is eerily familiar. The parallels are so startling that sometimes I feel like I'm having a sliding doors moment.

Rose said...

I just started reading your blog, don't even "really" know you - but I totally would have been your +1 if I lived in NYC. I've been dying to see them.

Kudos to you for braving it out. I've never gone to a concert by myself, but it's on my to-do list, actually. I want to see what that experience is like.

becky said...

I needed to see this today. Needed to read about fear and about facing it. Because sometimes I let that fear of going alone straddle me--I left it conform me to it and not allow myself to be.

It's been a (self-inflicted) hard couple of weeks but this is beautiful and it is hopeful and it is just the remedy I need. Thank-you. Thank-you so.

Caroline said...

Fun fun fun! I had a similar debate with myself last night. A friend (of the male persuasion) playing an open mic. He's good. I want to see him truly perform (not just strum for me, in private). But my friends are either an hour or more away, or too responsible to go to a bar at 11 pm on a week night. So do I go alone? He seemed to agree that would be awkward. But at the same time, not many of his friends were able to show... I was tired. I felt awkward and desperate. I chose not to go. But maybe next time it will be okay...

Alex said...

That sounds like such a fun and liberating experience! Granted, I also would have been stressed about going by myself and maybe would not have been as brave as you. So bravo!

And the always being tired and feeling low and blue...story of my life currently. Time for things to turn around!

Ashley said...

Go you! I'm glad that you went! You are so brave. Does NYC do that to you or were you brave before? You say you found your boldness 3 months ago but then lost it...In my opinion you have always had it. Look at where you are, what you have done, and the fact that you still soldier on! My friend, you will always be bold. =)

Jasmine said...

I'm glad you went! And a little bit jealous too.. =)

Mackenzie said...

YES! go meg! and if you are in boston for a wee bit and want to grab some coffee and gab about going to concerts solo (my favorite hobby, no lie.) please don't hesitate to let me know! :)

Kate said...

Good for you! Aren't you so glad you went now? That's the sort of thing I have to force myself to do as well. It's like you dread it and you dread it and you dread it. But then you do it and you're sooo thankful you did.

the soft soled said...

oh wow, your ability to hit right on what I'm working through is mindblowing. Lately I've been afraid too, uncertain and hiding from everything. But this post gives me hope and makes me realize there are little ways to claim the confidence you have. The confidence is still there-it just comes out in a more understated way then it once did and you'll get back into being full blown amazing soon.

Excellent band too! So jealous you're in NY with this fun around every corner!!

forward [e]motion said...

that's something i really feel every now and then.

i sometimes feel completely paralysed when plans change and a friend backs out at the last minute for an event etc - that whole internal dilemma starts churning and knotting my insides. do i still go? do i look for someone else to come? do i stay home and get cranky at myself, knowing that i wasted an opportunity.

i'll be in new york next year - hopefully we can be each others + 1 sometime!

bel. x

Celeste said...

Sometimes it makes my heart hurt that I can relate so well to what you write (but in the good way).

xoxo