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9.20.2011

enough.



fall, the best of fall



















as a girl i fear.
as a woman i doubt.

and i wonder if these are hallmarks of my sex?

i am insecure. i second-guess. i worry and wonder and spin tall-tales, fabricate nonsense, pull from from thin-air. i make myself small, diminish my own worth and power. i relive memory after memory until they are worn dull from overuse, from being taken out too often, exposed to the air and error of misremembering.

and then i think that perhaps what makes me a woman is the co-existance of all these things with a deep-seated sense of how i could, given the chance, transform the world--so potent and reaching is my strength.

i've been worrying a lot lately. so much so that at times i can feel my chest closing in on itself--constricting breath, creating a needle of pain.

and then a few nights back, from that deep place of sleep, i had a dream in which i lived through the very thing i'd obsessed about and mulled over and doubted might ever be. and before i knew it was just a dream, while it was happening, i stepped out of myself and spoke. the deepest, fullest, truest part of me--the bit closest to divinity, spoke:

enough. it said. enough of this nonsense. the next time you begin to worry. the next time doubt creeps in you must remember this moment, this moment right now. you must look at what's happening before you--to you as evidence. that's what you want, right? tangible evidence? well, there it is. that is my gift to you.  so stop. enough. be better. 


and then i woke. transformed. knowing the very deepest part of me trusts in my worth--in my right to desire and the pursuit of such.

so, enough, then. be better.

20 comments:

jorjiapeach said...

pretty girl. and pretty words.

Ashley said...

Beautiful! Funny how what we need to hear is often the words spoken from within. Thanks for sharing!

K.J.D.L said...

I have felt this kind of worry, and hope I can remove myself from myself long enough to have one of those moments. Beautifully written.

Monica820 said...

wow!!! this is soo amazing and inspiring! thank you soo much for being so honest! (: i will keep this post in my heart as encouragement.

Rod and Alex - aka: "Rolex" said...

Yes, I think we all feel this way to some extent. This is certainly beautiful and encouraging! Thank you!

Leti! said...

I love your posts. many (most?) speak right into my heart. i worry a lot about non-important things and I waste too much time on that. in the meantime, i fail to see that I should start living, enjoying my life and worry WAY less about stupid things. so, that being said, thanks! gracias! cheers from your argentinian fan :)

Swirls of Happy said...

You are such an amazing writer. Also, I always worry and I am always doubt also....must be def a woman thing.

Jasmine said...

I do the same, all the time! When did I get so insecure?
Next time it happens I'll think on you and shout 'Stop' out loud!

Jill said...

i love this. the true womanhood, the truest deepest self, the voice that is stronger than the fabricated dreams. love it.

Rebecca said...

I can totally relate to this, I'm such a worrier, I take on too much, I need to listen to the voice. Thanks for post.

debbiecutieface said...

you are such a good writer.

Mal Mecham said...

How in heavens' name can you know exactly what I need to read all the way on the other side of the country? You must be some sort of psychic. :)

Abi said...

I'm pretty sure it is a girl thing. I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. Like you, i lay in bed replaying detail after detail wondering what I could have said or done better. And i need to stop! so this is inspiring. enough is enough. moving on. :)

Sladjana said...

Oh how lovely would be to say "ENOUGH" and our mind in the same moment just stop with all that crazy thoughts and questions.
Oh, how lovely would be!

:)
xoxo
-S

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kristin said...

Truly transformative. I am moved by your words.

Jacob said...

your words are so powerful. so,so powerful.

lisamarie said...

What an incredible, powerful dream. I have really been enjoying your blog recently. Actually, it's been a bit of a distraction, but a good one at that. I can connect to so many of the things you write (that's not to say I completely understand b/c we simply cannot completely understand the struggles of one another, we can only respect them, I believe). You have such a beautiful, even whimsical writing style. I think a lot of women would benefit greatly by reading/hearing what you have to say. Thank you for sharing.

Little Tree Vintage said...

ugh i totally relate to this right now, i've been so frustrated at work and everything just feeling like my chest is caving in. i realize one thing. happiness is extremely important and we have to work on making ourselves priority number one. we matter.

Rachel Del Grosso said...

So lovely.

Kate said...

Exactly, this is as close to perfect as possible for me right now. I feel like all I do is worry. And never get anything done.