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8.17.2011

the kiss. reprised.

it happened again.

the forgetting of how to kiss...it happened. again.

there was a kiss. a first kiss, of sorts.

he leaned in and i. was. lost.

i. simply couldn't. figure it out.

and that moment of not figuring it out stretched before me. eternal was that moment.

i can't give words to the embarrassment that rushed in.

this was a thing i could do at fifteen. and now here i was, twenty-five and...inept.

okay, in all fairness, it was not a thing i did at fifteen. i was eighteen when i had my first kiss. sitting in my father's old toyota camry. next to a wonderful boy by the name of matt who i had been going to the movies with (or occasionally sharing an ice cream cone with) for over a month before he asked if he might lean in and kiss me good night. it was on the eve of our high school graduation. he was such a good guy--probably one of the best i've known, which says a lot for him, and not much for those who have since followed.

but i digress.

so there we were. each in separate chairs. leaning in, ever so innocently, pressing our lips together. and i just couldn't seem to do it. and so i became horrendously self-conscious. and let out a laugh as i said, it's been so long. i can't seem to remember how. 

and he said what any guy worth his salt might say in that situation, really? i can't tell. 

and of course he said that. it was the perfect thing to say. the perfect thing to calm me and (let's be honest) the perfect thing to encourage me on.

but i wanted to shout, don't do that, don't lie to me. i know that you can tell, i know that you're surprised by my...lacking or whatever this is or who-knows-what...oh hell.

so i groaned and he teased me and generously let me get away with it. (this one is, in fact, one of the good ones).

but i'm not going to lie. i'm more than a little concerned.

because this go round i didn't really figure it out. this time fear and history and the little fragments of something broken got in the way and i. didn't. figure it out.

42 comments:

KerryRose said...

I honestly can't even remember the last time I was kissed...it's a sad life without kisses. Enjoy even the ones that seem like you've messed up (because, in reality, you probably haven't) !

communikate. said...

oh man.. this sounds so familiar. i was on a dating hiatus for a few years before meeting my husband. our first kiss was well... terrible. we always joke about it now. both of shy and akward. luckily we gave it another go the next night and haven't stopped sense (holy cheesy line.)

Caitlin said...

You aren't the only one. I thought kissing was supposed to be like riding a bike.. something you never forget how to do. But somehow, I have forgotten how to do both. Which can be incredibly awkward. Thank goodness for the nice boys that act like they don't notice.

forward [e]motion said...

oh! i was cheering you on while i read that post!

...did it get better?!

bel. x

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

Ah, it happens to everything. Maybe practice a bit more? He's a good guy, I'm sure he'll be up for it! ;)

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

Happens to everyone**

retina-marie said...

i think it's adorable. beautiful, rather... the honest beginning of two people fumbling together, figuring it all out, eh?

cheers to awkward kisses!

Robby Spratt said...

All you need is practice...and the practicing will be fun.
;)

Susie said...

I was with a guy for far too long who didn't enjoy kissing (and was horrible at it). I was afraid I too would forget, and I kind of did. But it all came back. It will for you too, and it will totally be worth it ;)

american girl said...

been there, done that.
it's terrifying.
it also shows that you can never be kissed enough.

Cassie said...

practice makes perfect ;)

Chelsea said...

don't feel bad!! I've kissed more people than I care to admit and I definitely don't have it figured out either--better than someone who's *too* good if you know what I mean! ;) i'm sure he thought it was cute!

xo Chelsea

http://anddsoitgoes.blogspot.com

Alissa said...

Ohymygoodness, I know exactly how you feel. Kissing is one of those things where if I *think* about what I'm doing, I get completely off track and overwhelmed. It's really a very weird activity, though wonderful nonetheless.

The Lewicutt's est 2006 said...

I think first kisses are always awkward, literally, always. Not knowing how they will taste, what style kisser they are (and if it's not the same as you... oh boy, get your tongue outta my throat...) I can see where it would be easy to freeze up.

Second kisses are better... easier.

Hailstorm said...

My husband is always embarrassed because he thinks our first kiss was awkward for him because he was out of practice. But I liked it and I married him! :)

Bee Sarah Lee Bailey said...

i am in this kissing stage as well. but its refreshing because everything is new again.

Bee Sarah Lee Bailey said...

i am in this kissing stage as well. but its refreshing because everything is new again.

Paula said...

He sounds like a keeper! :)

Sladjana said...

Dear Mag,

Before reading this I thought I was the only crazy person who forgot to kiss. :) Thanks for sharing and calming me :)

xoxo
-S

_________________________
I have added cool emoticons to this message.
To see them go to http://x.exps.me?242efd6000c860f6255777619bd93f58

Ashlee said...

My first kiss was also with a Matt. What's that they say about practice makes perfect? ;)

siddathornton said...

you'll get it back :)

& like previous commenters have said, it's sweet. & pure. & part of your beginning. enjoy it.

wildchild said...

ditto what @siddathorton said. you'll be fine. practice makes perfect :)

and what a sweet guy.

BuoyantlyBlithe said...

That was sweet of him though. What a romantic response. You'll be fine though!

christine said...

I'm betting that he was so thrilled to have his lips touching yours that he really didn't notice. :)

AJ said...

i'm afraid i've forgotten as well. i was hoping it was like riding a bike, but oh no! maybe not!

that being said, i kind of love the awkwardness of first kisses. even if you've been a kissing machine in the days leading up to it, any first kiss with a new partner is going to be a little bumpy and weird. but oh so awesome.

good luck! and here's to many many more kisses for you, and for me, and for all the other lovely ladies who also worry they've forgotten!

Breanna Stutz said...

Girl, I've followed your blog for a long while now and I am in love with it. But this post! I just broke a longggg stretch of no kissing just on Saturday and nearly DIED when I saw what you had written about. I love your posts. I love your honesty. I love that you've recently kissed a boy :). Congrats girl, your readers are rooting for you!

Taylor Yves said...

i adore you so much for writing this. sounds like this guy really is a keeper. be brave and go for it, i have a feeling when you're really swept off your feet one moment it will just come to you. the trick is actually *not* to think ;)

ilene @ muchloveilly said...

you are one of the most inspiring bloggers i know because of your writing style. i eat it up everytime - thanks, girl.

and loved this story - thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I think every kisser is different. So really you can't beat yourself up because you've never kissed that kisser before...maybe he thought your awkward kiss was charmingly silly? P.S. To make you feel better: One time during adult naked wrestling time, my husband went for a kiss and I coughed right into his mouth. Then later (like 3 minutes), I totally farted LOUDLY. That being said, awkward moments happen...although I refuse to talk about it! --Jess

Brissa said...

i feel like i go through this every.single.time. one of my biggest fears is not being able to get the swing of it after a few tries. your honesty and confession are truly brave.

meg said...

This post reminds me of an article that my friend and I read in seventeen magazine in the eighth grade. There were three very precise directions on how to kiss- they went something like this: 1) press your lips to their lips 2) open your mouth 3) slowly move your tongue.

These tips horrified me. And I'm starting to feel like the longer I go without a kiss, the more these instructions are going to taint my ability to kiss properly.

You can do it, Meg! Just try not to think about thinking about it, or picture Mr. Charlie Fink to inspire your lips (:

Abi said...

so much thinking! thoughts get in the way of everything. kissing is natural, instinctive. we can all do it, and we all do it perfectly. just forget to think and you'll be fine. :)

Rebecca Simmonds said...

I didn't realise other people feel like this too.

Jasmine said...

Haha I know what you mean, my first kiss was awfull! Hope you're happy know and there will be a lot of other kisses with that person ;)

Lottie said...

Just relax and it will just happen before you even realise it and it will be perfect.

If relaxing doesn't help I always find a drink, or four, always helps!

xx

Diana Teodoro said...

The last two paragraphs left me a little confused about what you're really afraid of.
Not trying to be presumptuous here, but maybe I've got a hint of what it might be.You're afraid it's not meant to be, because if it were, the kiss would have been perfect. You would have figured it out!
I know I'd be worried about that because I'm a romantic and I can tell you are too.
Maybe I'm seeing it all wrong. Maybe that's not even an issue.And if it's not, forget I even brought it up.
I read too many books and watch too many cheesy movies!

Ana Magdalena said...

do not fear. believe it or not, I had never had a real kiss until age 19, I was almost 20. yes, I'd kissed two guys but they were more like 3rd grade kisses. but an article in glamour magazine (the online magazine) changed my kissing life. needless to say my ex said I was his best kiss-ever when we first kissed.

that was my first real kiss, the last real kiss was also given to him (a year ago). I agree with Kerry, it's sad a life without kisses. Just have fun, I am sure you did great, if not -there's always time for improvement. visit www.glamour.com/sex-love-life section for some amazing tips ;)

Bev said...

Ah Meg i loved this post. It reminded me of a kiss i had with a guy when i burst into laughter in the middle of it all bc i was out of practice. Then he got all insecure and i had to explain that it was all me...good memories! This guy sounds like a keeper...keep riding the wave and see what unfolds.

ps. just the other day i was remembering when you and i hiked stewart falls (in utah) and we had to hitchhike back to my car, too funny.

Erin said...

Ohh! So exciting, Meg! A first kiss is always a funny thing, but it almost always gets better -- with a guy who is worth his salt.

Claire Kiefer said...

Oh Meg! This is so sweet! It's terrifying that kissing may not be like riding a bike. But it makes for such a good story, which means it's worth it, right? :) I want to know more about this boy!

sarah nicole said...

This is why I will always hate first kisses. Always! They are so tricky and scary. It takes awhile to get the hang of it again.

xo,

Sarah

chrissy said...

i know this is an old post but I just had to comment.
Your words are so beautiful. The way you tell a story, so emotion filled and honest. I am beginning to love reading your words. :)