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7.21.2011

in her palm.



she was really good at this point. at this staying one step ahead of him.

she always knew where he was. knew which way to turn her head so he'd see her and she'd noticeably not-see-him.

it wasn't terribly fair. she knew that. and it wasn't terribly honest. but it was her right. and dammit, she was gonna take advantage of that.

not caring. the appearance of not caring. that was her gift.

or curse. she knew that. she carried that.

but she did wonder if this one saw through it.

if he knew that she sometimes went to bathroom just to take long, deep breaths. or to cry, even (though that was only the once, so...).

she could disappear behind her eyes. retreat to a region he couldn't touch--or at least, couldn't see that he touched. only one man had ever pulled her from there. only one man had ever said, i see you fleeing--i see you fleeing there and i refuse to let you go. even if it is hard, and even if i can't love you, i demand that you live through this--feelingly. it seemed like an unfair demand. but it wasn't. because she loved him and in his own way, he her. it was his great act of kindness that pulling-her-out even as he pulled away. but that was so long ago. and he was a better man than these others. or, well, he knew her better.

 something like that.

but just the other day this one had caught her. she had stood up and there he was. he wasn't supposed to be there. she wasn't supposed to see him. there was no preparing for this. and so her stomach dropped to her toes. and she felt the heat of the whoosh. and because she couldn't retreat fast enough she simply averted her eyes--looked away.

but she was left wondering if in that moment she'd been found out. if in the infinitely small moment of space between seeing him and looking down, had he seen her? for the first time? had he noticed she carried her heart right there in the palm of her hand?

probably not. they never usually did.



photo by lobymustard

31 comments:

kels said...

this spoke to me. i am so in love with it. i may just need to quote you on my blog!

Karla Khodanian said...

This is so touching, and emotionally profound. Thank you for always putting into words the thoughts I struggle to develop on my own.

wildchild said...

i feel like i'm the crazed reader, commenting on every single post. but when every post is so beautiful, how could i not? this is brilliant.

look a little closer said...

this is also speaking to me. right now.... i love it. and you. and your blog. and writing. you are brilliant!

look a little closer said...

and i certainly think more men notice you than you probably realize ;)

Love, Lolli said...

You are so eloquent and your writing is gorgeous. I relate to you so much, so often I feel like you are writing of something I have been through or felt.
I also appreciate that you are often purposely vague. Your style of writing is personal, guarded at times, but it is one of the styles that I cannot get enough of. It reminds me that less is more, and to always leave them wanting more.

sara said...

i've said it before but you are so so talented. i wish i had a book of all your wonderful writings! i can't get enough of it.

molly jane said...

I'm pretty sure I've experienced this same exact thing. As I read it, I knew it all too well. Beautiful.

kayla said...

tears sprung to my eyes as i read this. i know exactly the feelings you've portrayed here, and though i haven't experienced that last part yet (fingers crossed) i expect i will sooner or later, so i can empathize. thanks for your eloquence!

Abi said...

i love the gift of not seeing people you don't want to see. it comes in handy a lot of the time. i wish i could write and explain things the way you do.

Kate said...

This is that fluttery feeling in the bottom of your stomach good. It's like you know how describe perfectly things other people can't. You're insanely talented.

Lola said...

This is really well written. I love reading your little short stories. :)

Krystle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krystle said...

This is lovely.

Allie said...

I don't even know what to say! I want more! I want to know what happens to her. :) So good!

Madeline said...

I love this! This is me. Hiding feelings is my specialty :) Though not a good one, I'll admit. Well said.

Jennifer said...

I think your greatest talent is in writing something completely original without revealing anything about yourself. And look how many people can relate...that's talent, too.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

This is so bittersweet and moving. You really do have a away with words. I love that you write about feelings that we can all relate to :)

by r. said...

as always, beautiful. love. :)

Aly said...

Your blog posts are so beautifully written that I'm almost considering substituting them for some of my summer reading books ;)

But really, you have a knack for capturing emotions and conveying them through words. Simply wonderful.

Xo,
Aly
Delight in the Process

Nikki said...

I'm not being very articulate here, but, wow! Please write more!

Yeah! said...

Are you really 26-27 years old? Because I mean...this is 15-to-19-year-old emotional stuff you're throwing out here in this post. ....okay maybe MAYBE early twenties stuff. But certainly not mid-to-late-twenties stuff. (hence the young crazed fanbase you got followin' ya!).

I really really really hope you still have this blog going when you're 30 because I can't wait to see where you're at then.....

katielizabethawkes said...

beautiful. aaaand now i want to stop living in an arizona summer so i can wear tights and a sweater again. yesplease.

katielizabethawkes said...

oh, and i'm in my mid-20s too. and i can relate to what you wrote. and i hardly think it places us in the 15-19 yr old category. though if it does, SHRUG. why hurry to grow up if it means we have to feel things when we should or shouldn't? i'll take my time getting my emotional wrinkles and gray hairs in that case, thank you. keep writing.

sheilainafrica said...

your posts keep on taking my breath away, that if I start breathing the magic that I am reading will be gone. beautiful, just beautiful.

Malin said...

You write so beautifully sweet girl!! Just waiting for the day when I see you published somewhere!! ;)

wilybrunette said...

@ Yeah!: please, oh please. i am 25. don't age me by two years!!

Ana* said...

what a beautiful post, I think EVERYONE who has feelings and has been emotionally involved with someone else can relate to it, regardless of their age.

Anna said...

This took my breath away because I felt as if you were telling my story.
This would be a really good book idea. I would read it :)

cara leanna said...

i simply love this

Rachael said...

It seems dumb to use my measly words to tell you how beautiful your words are.