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the (non) move.

figuring it out

monday mornings can be hard. most difficult when the week threatens to undo you before it even begins. 

yesterday i marveled at the shifting light now hitting new york. i walked along the river and watched as bicyclist after bicyclist pedaled past. this corner of new york is dare i say, something of a bike mecca. i noticed young men with rackets on their backs headed to the free tennis courts just down the hill. suddenly the neighborhood is alive and threatened with the prospect of having to leave it, i simply don't want to. 

much as a part of me is ready to leave new york, it's not time yet. and it wouldn't be so easy. tumultuous as our relationship is, we have mutual accounts, joint stock options, and suddenly a lot of furniture that i don't want to give up. 

so i've decided to stay. for another year at least. which means another year in my castle in the sky apartment. but not moving can prove unbelievably stressful.

and there's nothing like moving (or not moving in new york). the whole things is a giant game of roulette combined with cat-and-mouse, and even a little strategic chess (or battleship, depending on where your preferences lie). and then there's that pesky little sticking point: it's expensive. and not terribly well-managed or policed. 

so this is the week that i roll the die. cast a net out in search of a roommate and hope that all the little card houses i've built add up to something...viable, instead of crashing down around my feet.

of course there's not enough time for any of this...but such is life.

so i remind myself to breathe and throw a little prayer up towards the powers that be, a little help?


::: Wild lola/Naia said...

since I found your blog I cant stop reading it!haha, I never was in NYC (I hope I can go soon) but when you tell about the city it´s like a little travel for me! so nice.

About your post, the best you can do>take it easy, it´s easy to say it but it always works!
xo, naia

Brittan said...

You've hit the nail on the head yet again. I'm struggling with the thought of moving away from New York this summer. With the emotional thought of leaving the home that I've fought with and come to love over the past couple years, and with the logistics of moving out of the city. It's never an easy move to make.

I was exploring the Upper West Side this weekend, visiting Book Culture and toying with the idea of trying that veggie burger at 5 Napkin (I didn't but I will), and I thought it's really silly that we haven't at least grabbed a cup of coffee. So let's do it!

A Sunday Kind Of Love said...

if i had a paying job lined up i would totally apply to be your new roomie :)
i'm struggling through my own not-move that's happening, in that i've decided to stay put in the states. and not only that, i'm applying to jobs in new york, something i never wanted to do until this past year.
life is strange. my aunt always told me that your early-mid twenties are really hard, and now that i'm here, i know exactly what she meant :)
we'll all make it through somehow. i'll keep you in my prayers, meg!

Laura Marie said...

Don't tempt me, Meg, or I'll have to move in! :) ... Isn't it funny how complicated our relationships with a city can be? How much like a real relationship it is, with strange obligations and compromises and misunderstandings?

Alexa said...

I love how you expressed your feelings about Mondays - because that's how I feel too.

Good luck with the roommate search! My friends and I are looking for a place to stay in the City; we're hoping we find one very, very soon!

Robby Spratt said...

Making a major move(or deciding not to move) is always stressful and scary.
Not long ago I was facing a move that I did not want to make, coupled with a course-of-life change which I thought was a result of failure.
I had no choice but to trod onward trusting that things would work out.
You know what? They did! Everything I was worried about wasn't as big a deal as I had thought, and I am now in a better place than I thought possible.
Things work out eventually.

Brook said...

I love your writing. You consider things in such a way that makes so many people feel understood. It hardly makes sense that I could relate to this post, but I did.

I admire your bravery.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

You are so brave, I love it!! I hope that this year in New York is the best one yet :) Lovely photo by the way!

DB said...

I've always kind of wanted to live in New York, but I'm almost scared to, you know? My ultimate dream is to own my own small business, and that just seems so much more intimidating there.

Also, on the bookshelf note, A Separate Peace is one of my all-time favorites!

christine said...

I so can relate.

I'm where you're at, only in DC. I love my place, and I want to leave DC, but it's not time yet. And so I too am throwing up prayers for a little help.

Here's a prayer for you too.

Janine said...

I love reading your blog. I must say that you often tough on yourself. Be kind to yourself, you are fabulous

Autumn said...

ohhh...room mates. good luck!

Happy Wife said...

You are so beautiful. You are in my prayers. And I have a feeling that everything is going to work out for you... that the best years of your life are yet to come... that just around the corner you will find a new you, a new story.
It is good to remember to breathe... Breathe, and breathe and breathe... You dear Wily Brunette have years of joy and love just beyond this little hill.

Sarah said...

Love the picture, and yes ugh to Monday Mornings!

Joy said...

this is exactly how i am feeling right now! {except it's not in new york, it's in arkansas.} it's not time to leave yet, even though i seriously want it to be.

thanks for the beautiful thoughts.

Yvonne Anderson said...

Oh I have always longed to visit NY but never sure if I wanted to actually live there.
Just wanted to say how beautiful this picture of you is.
I read your blog but don't comment as much as I know I should....Wonderful

Chic Noir said...

we've all been there at one point of another. Keep your head up kiddo for this too shall pass.

angela hardison said...

this photo of you is really great. you are so so beautiful and i just love the angle, lighting, etc.

Anonymous said...

Read the book I meant to do that. Her name is Jane and a lot of what you just said is in her book.

I feel the same way about my relationship with Baton Rouge. I think it is time to leave but for me I haven't left yet because I am not sure where I want to go. So you just push on hoping everything will work out. Promise you it does!

L said...

You are beautiful. Inside and out. Writing and photography. You are an inspiring woman I think you should know :)