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12.15.2010

december 14

i sat in tom's office yesterday morning weeping gently.

my hands tucked between my legs. sitting on the unforgiving brown couch, next to the worn velvet pillow.

tom sat somewhere between to-the-side-of and behind the large three-sided desk.

we were in the room i don't care for. it's too large--the room--with a mammoth, faux-wood-panneled desk, over-saturated light, and a scent of ketchup that's sometimes-there, sometimes-not.

but there i sat. weeping. gently.

i feel like i'm banging my head against a glass wall, i told tom. i feel like things can't continue on this way. something has to change. my life is stagnant and i'm so filled with the need for change that i might just explode. but i can't imagine that anything will change. ever. 


it's near then, tom calmly said.

his words hung in the air for a moment. buoyant and light. tangible almost. i wanted to reach out and pocket them. but there was no need. because they were true. as soon as he spoke them i knew them to be true. and truth can't be collected in one's pockets. it simply is.

why do i always cry now, tom? i pressed on. is it the residual of banging my head too many times against a glass wall?


it's good. it means you're experiencing things. deeply. allowing yourself the experience. probably in part what makes you a good actor. 


ah yes, that acting thing that i don't really talk about.

tom, sometimes i ask my gut things, i admitted sheepishly. and i know to listen to the answer that comes back. always, i must listen. because my gut is the wisest and truest part of me. it is the part of me that's lived a thousand lives already, that knows everything, that sees everything, that sees the end before it's even begun. it is my inner shaman. it is where God resides. my gut is a little piece of divinity. people say true love resides in the heart, but i know better. and so, well, Tom, i've been resisting asking my gut this  question--this question of "should i act" because i'm afraid of the answer. i'm afraid it will say no. and that will be that. 


it's a funny thing when you're life turns out different then you thought. a hard thing. when everything you've planned for shifts and morphs and you fall down the rabbit-hole. and it's terrifying. and not so nearly mystical as alice led you to believe. and you wonder if it's time to move on or circle round and there are so many options and that hall with doors is long and and those doors are aplenty and you can't imagine which one to walk through so you just stand there. frozen. terrified.

i asked the question recently, tom. whether or not i should act? i asked my gut. and the thing is... it didn't say no. it didn't return with the verdict i lived in fear of and yet...it didn't really give an answer at all. it told me i was afraid. and that that fear was getting in the way. but that that was okay. that i'd figure it out and it'd be okay. i'd be okay. 


and tom looked at me, kinda smiled and said, it believes in you so much it doesn't have to answer. it believes in you to the point that it'll go wherever you choose. it actually believes you can do anything--acting or not. 


i looked at tom in all of his infinite wisdom, felt fresh tears hovering at their own brink, turned my head and looked straight ahead, and said, well, that's a lovely thought. 


when what i really meant was well, that's everything isn't it. 


graduating from college was an exercise in losing faith. losing that little kernel of belief in my own ability. and as well as i am and far as i've come, i've yet to regain that.

so imagine my surprise when sitting in tom's office yesterday i realized it wasn't lost at all. it was there. patiently waiting for me to awaken to it.

and imagine my surprise when i came to understand that the one person i'd spent all this time fighting against, railing against--myself--simply loved me all the while--never grew impatient or frustrated. never accused me of being selfish or cruel. the one person who's love was infinite and almighty. who loved me with the power and force of the heavens.

alright. mark it down. december 14, 2010: the day i realized everything was gonna be just fine.

38 comments:

AbbieBabble said...

Wow. What a breakthrough. I wish I could more eloquently state how happy I am for you, but I am so, so, glad. And you are so, so right. Everything will be just fine.

katherine h. said...

kol hakavod, meg.

Kate said...

well then, congratulations.
that was moving. thank you for sharing.

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

yay! go girl!!!

Deepali said...

That was a lovely post and I think all of us have been there in one form or another. It's so nice to hear that your heart believes in you, because isn't that the most important thing? The holidays are a tough time of year, for everyone. Perhaps you need a change? Nothing drastic but something to think about. When I finally realized I was unhappy, I realized it was because I wasn't enjoying New York anymore, so I moved to Philadelphia, best decision I ever made.
Good luck!

Camilla Leila said...

you just articulated everything i'm going through right now so much more beautifully than i ever could.

it reminds me of eat pray love - liz gilbert talked a lot about her heart (or gut in this scenario) and how much she truly loved herself, and was patient and kind and generous.

anyways, meg, i'm glad you came to this realization, because it's so true. everything is going to be just fine - i have a ways to go to get there, i think. i'm still frozen with fear and disappointed with the fact that alice lied to me and the magic of post graduation adult life is not there.

i do think a trip is in order, though.

D&D said...

my dear, i believe you had an "a-ha!" moment

Colleen K. said...

I cannot wait to someday read the book that you write. I do not remember how I stumbled upon your blog but I love it. You are a fantastic writer and your words about struggles and triumphs inspire me, bring tears to my eyes, and laughter to my belly. Thank you for being beautiful, real, deep, you.

jill said...

You are brilliant. And everything is going to be just fine. Thanks for the reminder I can apply in my own life, and good luck!

Alex said...

How wonderful!
I know what it feels like when life goes in a completely different direction and you feel like you can't do anything to stop it. I'm a planner, so I struggle with this. And I struggle with the fact that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point.
But like you say, everything will be just fine :)
So happy for you.

Laura Marie said...

I legitimately just teared up for you... (Have I mentioned I was an actress forever, too? That I feel everything deeply, too?)

Hope that your insight stays as true & lovely as your perfectly written post do :)

Meg: 1
Self-Doubt: 0

beth said...

i am not usually one to comment, but rather, silently stalk and await and anticipate more posts.
today however,
i had to say,
i cried too. reading this.
you are perhaps the wisest, most raw, incredibly lovely woman i have ever happened upon, electronically or otherwise.
thank you for sharing your heart, your thoughts, your moments, your gut with us- all of which, to me, are immaculate, resonant, glorious perfection.

Erin said...

Beautiful! I am genuinely happy for your discovery, but I don't think that anyone who has ever seen you or read your words would think you were anything but lovely.

sharlyn emily said...

ahhh. what a breath of fresh air from my own panicking thoughts. i needed this. YOU needed this. thank you. :)

Em said...

beautiful, wonderful, gut-wrenching, inspiring post! You wrote the words I couldn't find- I was so lost after graduation, stumbling for some sense of alignment. I'm so excited that you found your feet; your future is blinding! Go, girl! Go!

Lola said...

This post was perfection. There's a spot on my bookshelf waiting for your book to be placed there.

Anonymous said...

This post is so well-timed. I am in the same exact place... just waiting. I, in fact, just turned down an opportunity to achieve a dream of mine. My gut felt so uneasy about the decision and gave me many signals to be patient; this was just not the time, I heard. Trusting my gut that all good things will happen in time....

Thanks for the beautiful post.

Jenni Austria Germany said...

if this were a facebook post, i'd "like" it.

and that's a compliment!

annie said...

you've described so much of what i'm going through right now, and in such a poignant, thoughtful way. things will get better. everything will be just fine.

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Wow, that was so beautiful. I'm so happy for you. I think everyone here in blogland knew you were always going to be fine, more than in fact. I'm glad you see it too :)

Miss E said...

Yes, everything will be fine! I tell myself this at leats 10 times a day.
On a side note, I was at a cafe on Sunday and they were selling gingerbread candles. I immediately thought of you and your lovely post last week and snapped one up quickly!

M said...

oh yes, I know this feeling all to well. My graduate program has become an exercise in losing faith---push through---it is close

jackiek said...

your posts always make me sit back and take a moment to just think. and today, after spending the last hour in tears, i really needed to sit back and think. this idea that everything will be fine is something i very much need to hear right now, so for that i thank you!

christine said...

I love this post and love the comments too. You totally captured how I've been feeling and it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

My heart leapt when I read Tom say, "It's near then." I feel more hopeful now for me and for you.

What a good Christmas gift you've given yourself this year.

vanessa joie said...

I loved reading this so much. I don't love that you're feeling this way but it echos some of what I've been feeling but am too scared to put into words. I know I don't really "know" you but I've been reading your blog for a long time and I do know that you are beautiful, brave and strong. You will be more than just fine. Here's to 2011. xo

Alexa said...

Beautiful entry. I'm so happy for your breakthrough and I cannot even express how wonderful it is to hear your good news :)

m.estelle said...

BRAVO, meg.


xo

kara lynn said...

and so it begins. the moment you know there is no absolute possibility of turning back. head forward. step by step. something you knew the whole time. but having it written in marker in the front of your mind. so visual and real.

i am beyond elated for you. you climbed your summit. however long you were standing there until now you realized it.

you are marvelous. a gem. thank you forever for your words of courage. you have little idea what they mean to me.

becky said...

This is brilliant and quite honestly, I am glad you have finally listened to your gut telling you you are brilliant too.

Jay said...

You're so brave Meg! I envy your ability to open your heart and share your thoughts like this, and I'm happy you were able to "set a date" :) Best wishes from Norway

sara said...

this is amazing, what a wonderful post.
i need a tom. i need a good gut feeling.

Kelly said...

Wow. Your writing never ceases to amaze me, you write so honestly and beautifully. This post really spoke to me, I've been feeling anxious lately about graduating from college in May and what my life will actually end up being like. Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you are feeling positive and okay : )

angela hardison said...

brilliant and beautiful - like you. hooray!

Ashley said...

beautiful and amazing. thank you. thank you for posting this. and everything. you've helped me learn and feel more through reading about your experiences and thinking, 'me too'...'me too - i understand. i see you'. It's a gift. You are amazing and I'm glad your self knows that about...yourself. To love yourself. Here's to a 2011 of acting in accordance with that love. Of Self.

Hermione said...

Beautiful! Know the feeling...

Magdalena Viktoria said...

I love what you wrote here...brought tears to my eyes.

xx

forward [e]motion said...

this post had me in tears. good tears. releasing tears. and i'm thankful or that.
i know i'm not moving through life alone, that my feelings and experiences aren't so different to others', but it's so good to hear how someone else is navigating through it all too.
everything IS gonna be just fine.
bel. x