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two bags.

there's one large suitcase sitting next to my bedroom door right now.

and an overstuffed blue tote.

my room is littered with all those things i'm just not sure what to do with.

to take this sock or not?

this piece of paper--can i throw it away?

i know it's only three months. i know that.

and yet.

it just feels so... so long.

and so i pack my life into a large black suitcase and one blue tote.

my life. {deep, long exhale}

i know this is the right thing.

in my gut i know it. i know good things will come from this.

and yet.

i can't imagine the other end.

the three months feel as they might just swallow me whole.

and they might just.

and that's okay.

i know that.

and yet.

i can't bring myself to move that large black suitcase and one blue tote to the hallway from which i'll leave tomorrow morning.

from which i'll open our heavy black door, cross some sort of threshold, and close it quietly so as to not wake the others.

perhaps it's that i'm afraid of who i will be--or won't be, what i will know--or won't know when i return. black suitcase, blue tote in hand.

and right now this little expedition, this... trudging through slush of my own self-doubt and deep-brurried belief, feels awfully lonely.


Ashley said...

it's strange that you leave NYC the same day I will arrive for the first time ever. Of course it's not the same since I will only be there for a week and you gone for 3 months...

I wish you good luck! it will be an exciting adventure.

leah jane said...

this is the kind of fear that signals big growth ahead! it's usually slow. almost always painful. but definitely worth it. and i'm jealous, in a strange kind of way. 'cause it takes guts to pursue those gut-wrenchingly lonely growth spurts. and it's been a long time since i was that brave. so good for you! kudos! that's what i say!

Anna said...

I'm sure most of the people that post comments here have never met you before--I am one of them. And I don't even know if you read all of the comments left, but I had to share my thoughts briefly.

So, I go in and out of feeling lost in my own skin. You know that feeling of: "Who am I? What am I doing? Where is my life going?" Well, often I do that horrible thing of sizing myself up to others--yeah, a big DO NOT DO. Yet, alas, we all do. Anyway, I realized I've felt as though I need to redefine myself based on the lives of those I see, often the lives I see through others' blogs. But I don't get that from your blog. You are so honest in your writing, and it makes me feel like I can be me too.

Sorry, that sounds so dramatic, but I'm going through one of those moments of crises stemming from "oh no! my internship ends in a month and school is over and my life is upside down and I feel so lost."

So, I just wanted to say, "thank you."

Good luck with Utah!

And don't worry about bringing everything. I felt the same way about moving to New York from Utah for three months. But honestly, everything is cheaper in Utah, so you can always buy what you forgot to bring!

Mary Cee said...

While I'm not leaving anywhere really, I'm also feeling a bit lost in the idea of the next three months. I feel as if they will never end and I've been so worried that they will turn me into a different person, not myself, someone unknown. I think, though, that it will be okay... that whatever comes from the next few months will be good and that while I may have changed, I will still be me.

Good luck on your trip, embrace the adventure that it is!

Chelsey said...

It's got to be scary coming to Utah, but I'm sure you'll have a great time! If you need a friend you can contact me :)

Cas said...

Scoot those suitcases out the door.
Left foot leading right.


sarah nicole said...

I live in Utah, I love it, and you will too! It's beautiful here. It may be just what you need.



MMW said...

I know what's great about 3 months in Utah...I'll get to meet you.

Try and hook up with No Sex in the City - Natalie - she's from the very area you're going to...she'll show you the sites!

xoxo MMW

Claudia said...

Wish you all the best for the next 3 months - changes are chances and you will learn a lot!

Jacob said...

good luck with your endeavors-- you'll be okay... go with your heart and nothing else!

Nikki and Collin said...

You can do it!

Heather said...

You will make so many new friends, have experiences you never would have, and enjoy a summer in a place vastly opposing New York. All of this you can take home with you, and that's the best part, knowing that in three months, you get to go home.

curiosities by nicole leigh smith said...

three months? just enough time for a self realization!!! Enjoy your adventure...

Molly Mouse said...

Have so much fun in Utah! Hopefully I can see you in Romeo and Juliet if I get back to school early enough :]

Enjoy the mountains and the GREEN! <3

christine said...

Oh, Utah in the summer is awesome! You will love it and have so much fun.

Enjoy traveling light. It's a liberating feeling.

jill said...

Good luck (or break a leg) Meg because you will have a good time, I just know it! Did you read the little article in the NY Times last week(6/6/10)about Utah?

ALFIE said...

it's okay that you couldn't move the bags on saturday night---because they didn't need to move till sunday. sometimes it's amazing how much more couragously we can face the future after a few hours of sleep.

and don't fear being swallowed. let these months take you. carry you. because they'll probably take you someplace you never would have gone on your own. and even if they take you farther than you felt ready to go...they'll bring you back.

i have a feeling that, in 3 months, you'll have black suitcase and a blue tote next to another door. in another state. not sure what the future will hold upon your return. but you'll never have been more ready for it.

have a total blast! perform a few nights on my behalf :)

Brittany said...

oh meg, i'm so glad you write these things that i feel too! you are so human, and i love that you know and embrace that. i think you're wonderful.

i'm excited for your new adventure. i'm starting one too soon, in london. i can't believe i'm doing it, as you can't. but we'll be fine. we will be just fine. life will treat us well this summer, i think. i hope you fall in love with my utah. it's small, and different. but's it's brought me so much joy.

good luck!

Monica said...

Remember, "faith, not fear!"

You are so brave to be doing this, although I'm sure you feel anything but that.

I'm very excited to see you when I visit in Utah. We're both embarking on adventures with self-discovery and overcoming fears as the motive. I am cheering for you!

Lola said...

Big changes are always scary, the possibility of success is scary... such scary things in front of you. But so much possibility as well! You're going to be wonderful, I'm sure of it. And when you do walk back through that door with that suitcase and tote you'll laugh when you remember how scared and doubtful and lonely you felt the night before your life changed. Best of luck to you lady.

Brittan said...

it was so nice to read that just as i am timidly setting off to an unknown place for 2 1/2 months as well.

you will do so great and i have no doubts that the trip will be full of answers and inspiration.