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6.15.2010

not quite closure.


she sat in a chair just a few feet from his.

she fingered the wine glass in front of her.

watched as he joked with his friends across the table.

listened to their conversations. smiled.

the bar was crowded. joyous in it's teeming capacity.

everyone knew everyone else.

the atmosphere was one of celebration and beginning. the start of something.

she felt so full with it all.

and yet.

she eyed the packet of cigarettes in front of him.

he hadn't smoked when they'd known each other.

he would turn to ask her a question, and she couldn't find the man she'd once cared for in his eyes.

she felt as though she was sitting next to a stranger. couldn't equate this person with the man she'd gone on all those dates with, the man she'd had countless daydreams about.

she knew what he was doing. well, she thought she did.

it was protection, this closing off. she understood.

he was perfectly polite. perfectly kind. it had been nice of him to include her. but he was so far away. the three feet between them belied a far greater distance.

had she hurt him? was that was this was?

she was having two experiences at once. she was enjoying her wine, enjoying meeting new people, laughing even. and yet, the person she had come for was changed in a way that she couldn't quite touch.

there was no sense of any history. any past.

and because the man sitting next to her was not the man she had loved she wondered if that man had ever existed. perhaps not.

and just like that, with that one thought, all the memories of the two of them together became memories of her alone. without. how quickly he dissolved from the images her mind paged through on slow, yawning afternoons.

it was then. and only then that she first felt her heart break. and oh how she hated that phrase. heart. break. but there it was.

never had she felt so alone. in the midst of the crowded bar. among friends and new faces she was unspeakably, unutterably alone.

she had loved him. just a little. or started to at least. she hadn't meant to hurt him. certainly not that. but mistakes are made.

so she finished her second glass of wine. kissed him on the cheek. and walked out. alone.


16 comments:

nicole leigh smith said...

this was heavy... and beautifully written. I think you will find a slew of women who really know this feeling. Going home can be hard to do.

Jacob said...

wow- nicely written!

Dia said...

I love this: "there was no sense of any history. any past.
and because the man sitting next to her was not the man she had loved she wondered if that man had ever existed. perhaps not.
and just like that, with that one thought, all the memories of the two of them together became memories of her alone. without."
I've come to the same conclusion. Fortunately, maybe. Isn't it interesting how our own mind works to protect us...

kara lynn said...

wow. i felt this exact emotion yesterday. it is such an odd feeling. driving home and feeling so very more alone than you ever were before you came. you don't know if it was a good thing at all to go. but there was more closure. yet still confusion.

beautiful.

xo to you

stacey rodriguez said...

beautifully written meg! i don't often comment on peoples blogs because i'm never too sure what to say. but couldn't help but just appreciate your way with words (and the deep things they can convey). thought you should know!
:)

Shannon said...

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Taylor Yves said...

thank you so much for your kindness! and i can completely relate with this story. i hope you are well.

Kyle said...

Miss Fee,

In all honesty and vulnerability, I have found myself on the man's side of this situation. (rambling here)

We (the man you formerly knew) are still in there. We portray sometimes, to be someone new, appealing, fresh, and maybe even a bit wild. Often times, to assure the woman that we aren't affected by her presence (though we are indeed).

This was so heavy! Well-written though,

-Kyle

Katrina Marie said...

This is perfect!

ALFIE said...

in the moments when we realize that something has been made larger-than-life in our head.

or that we've been remembering something. someone. as we would have it.

there if often heartbreak, yes.

but then freedom. always freedom.

erin elder said...

If or when you publish a book containing your beautifully articulated words, I will be first in line to get it.

You write from the heart, which speaks for the minds of millions who aren't able to interpret their thoughts into words.... One of the many things I love about your blog.

Loved this post. so. very. much.

linsey said...

This is stunning. As is all of your writing. I've read your blog for a long time but never commented. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Glad you're going to be gracing Utah with your presence. I hope to see your show.

Maureen said...

love this. it's been a while now, but i sure do remember this feeling.

christine said...

Moving on can be very lonely and you perfectly captured that feeling with your post today. Lately, you've been doing a lot of moving forward and leaving old things behind, and that takes so much courage. Keep being brave. Better things will come into your life because of your courage.

Thank you for sharing this.

Kaleena J. said...

wow. i read this two times in a row. you wrote this so beautifully. i have gone through something similar to this and you made it really easy for me to relate.

sarah nicole said...

Oh my goodness, this really resonates. Sigh. It's hard being a girl/woman.

Thank you for the sweet comment. I think that YOU are gorgeous.

Hope you are enjoying your family time!