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5.25.2010

worth.


he was older. dated often. jewish. born and bred in this city of skyscrapers.

i was--well, am--still young. an inexperienced dater (to put it mildly). catholic. from a city situated on bayous.

so many differences.

if i had known these things--if he had known, perhaps it wouldn't have begun.

the age alone made it difficult.

but i liked him before i knew. and when i did know, well, then it became just a number.

i asked him early on if he'd ever been married. ever proposed to anyone. those were the things that seemed important. he said no, asked if i needed to know why not. nope. not important, i said.

later, without prompting, he said, i'm not a settler. and never had more perfect words been spoken. and i loved him for that perfect, unprompted response.

and yet. that became the thing. the thing that nailed me in the end.

it was when i realized i was just another girl not worth settling for that my heart began to break.

perhaps, that's too simplistic. but that's what i felt.

i miss him. and i think about him. more often than i'd care to admit. certainly, more often than i'd care for him to know. but maybe the hardest thing has been coping with the knowledge that for him i just wasn't worth it. which becomes am i worth it? which of course, yes, yes, i know that i am.

but it's never about knowing so much as feeling, is it?

and for a while there i felt...unworthy. mediocre. like the kind of girl you can't bring home to mom.

don't get me wrong, i was not looking to meet mom. i just wanted to feel... i just wanted to feel. i don't know. better than that.

the ego takes a hit. and it's coming back to yourself that takes some time.

but a week ago when american pie came on the radio it stirred the low-country girl in me. and i shimmied around my room chasing the sunlight and laughing at my oddities. and the journey home to self trucked right along.

but it takes some time, this truckin'.

it surely takes some time.


25 comments:

Claire Kiefer said...

I've felt this same exact way so many times . . . you know that Postal Service song "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight?" When he says "I was the one worth leaving" ohhhhh it hurts my heart. But one day, we will be the ones worth settling down for.

Claire Kiefer said...

I've felt this same exact way so many times . . . you know that Postal Service song "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight?" When he says "I was the one worth leaving" ohhhhh it hurts my heart. But one day, we will be the ones worth settling down for.

Kyle Curry said...

~Miss Fee, Miss Fee~
I know the feeling all too well, however as a result of this feeling I have developed a thought which I hope is to be my symphony~

"One minute in the presence of someone who truly loves you, is greater than a thousand years in the arms of someone who almost does."

-Kyle

Meg Fee said...

oh kyle, i thank my lucky stars every day that he was not willing to settle, and that i'm not a settler either. what a lovely quote--thanks for the reminder!

karalynn said...

I saw this the other day, and it made me think of you when I read this post.
"Might not be that beautiful or the sexiest; nor have the perfect body. I might not be anyone's first choice. But I am a GREAT choice. I don't pretend to be someone else 'cause I am good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done, but I am proud of who I am ...today. Take me as I am or don't take me ...at all."

it's something i think any girl needs to hear some time or another and always remember!

thanks for your inspiration

Crystal Ball said...

You have me in tears. Tears.
Your words hit home and I may be just turning nineteen but your words have connected with me in their own way. We are different in age but I feel you.

And you are beautiful. I may be a total stranger but I know you are truly beautiful. Don't you forget that.

amy said...

this post solidified my theory that you are one of the most spectacular people i have never met.

and as a fellow traveler on the journey to self, i urge you to keep on keepin' on. we all get a little closer each day.

Brittany said...

i can always count on you to say the things i'm thinking but am too afraid to say out loud. thanks.

Fairfield said...

sing it sister.

Taylor Yves said...

wowie, i knew you could write about it! that in itself is truckin' :)

heisschic said...

oh this strikes a chord... 4, 3, 2 years ago, this would have me in tears. i had dated 2 guys (years apart) where i would have traded anything for a future with them- and for them, i was never enough. it was that "not enough" that broke me.

and now i'm relieved and thanking God that they saw that "WE" werent enough.

ALFIE said...

you have such a powerful way of capturing human emotion.

to be left feeling empty. useless. cheap. is one of the worst feelings in the world. the only saving grace in these emotions is that, in order to truly understand the depth and wealth of your worth--you have to be faced with these false ideas that you aren't worth it. that you're not enough. in their stark shadow--the light within you can shine through. and you realize---i'm pretty amazing, huh?

turn that radio up. keep dancing. and realize that if that relationship was still continuing--he wouldn't have been the one settling...

wait for the one that cherishes you.

Shannon said...

Shimmying is the very very best part of life. Love it.
P.S. - Thank you so much for your inspiration and bravery. You just may have inspired me to write about something that scares me.... dare I say, more than Charlie. Oh men, such an adventure ; )

SpecialScout said...

This post just rocked my socks. Thank you for it.

Heather said...

I think it's inherently female to hope that we will be the one who 'changes' someone. That even though we know they don't like to settle, we secretly hope that we will be the one who settles them. And yet, as you noted, that's not always the case.

The only solution is to have a good cry one or two or three times, then dry those tears and try again. It's the process of finding solutions to our sorrows that is the most important, not always the solution.

Shoshana (aka Susan) said...

"I'm not a settler" means he has already settled. For a life of loneliness, which to him may masquerade as freedom. Sorry to say it (I don't know this man) but many men are in this frozen state. It's sad. It's not that a suitable person hasn't come along. There is no suitable person- he would see it as a surrender.

Sarah said...

Thank you for this post! I tend to turn it in towards myself also when I am not the one they wanted.. Just because I wanted them so much I guess I thought it was just ment that they would want me just as bad.

not always the case.
A better is out there and he will see the wonder that is you.

Sarah said...

Beautifully said, Meg.

brown eyed girl said...

This is beautiful.

I loved this part:

"but maybe the hardest thing has been coping with the knowledge that for him i just wasn't worth it. which becomes am i worth it? which of course, yes, yes, i know that i am.

but it's never about knowing so much as feeling, is it?

and for a while there i felt...unworthy. mediocre. like the kind of girl you can't bring home to mom."

Oh I feel like I've been there.
When we come to the point where we realize that yes, yes, we are worth it. And we're still worth it even if we're alone.

Well, that is just such a sweet moment.

jysika said...

Oh Meg, that was beautiful.

Lola said...

Beautifully put as always. I know that place, that unworthiness. It's a painful place to be. Even when you know it's not true, even when you know it's not about you and that you are worth beautiful things. It still hurts. But I'm glad you found your shimmy. Keep it up, you'll get there. I know you will.

Jacob said...

very well written!

Jennifer M. said...

I know this feeling. Thank you for sharing your broken heart with us. I have hope that we all have a soulmate out there and when we find that person, each of us will know that the other was worth not settling for anyone else for. Don't lose hope!

hawthorne girl said...

oh meg, we have all felt this. it is part of becoming a woman. how do you know how fabulous you really if you have always never felt like not enough. that is when we get our strength and say "hey, wait a minute, i'm better than that, i deserve more." and yes, meg, you do!

JessicaB said...

I know this is an old post, but I experience heartbreak today so I went searching for someone else that's been there.

Thank you for putting this out in the universe, so that a sad, lonely, unworthy feeling girl could come across it months later and feel a moment of peace.