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5.10.2010

on having my picture taken.

before beginning:
this is a continuation.
of a story.
about ned.
ned being my nasty,
little eating disorder.

more info here.


sarah, myself, carolyn, and amanda


i thought it was about weight.

my anxiety about having my picture taken.

i thought it was about the weight.

thought it was that the pictures reflected what i couldn't admit to myself.

that i was fat.

i thought that was it.

but it wasn't. not really.




we were out on saturday night. my friends and i.

i with my little camera nestled deep into the folds of my go-to-black-bag (which has finally reached the critical point of looking just-worn-in-enough {but i digress}).

yes, i with my little camera. i who knew it was there. i who wanted to take it out. but couldn't.

until amanda (my infinitely wise roommate) asked where it was and began to do what i could not.

and it was there, in the bar on saturday night, perched on my stool, with prosecco in hand, that i stared at that little camera screen and declared, oh, i look like an adult.

but that wasn't quite right. that wasn't exactly what i meant to say. what i meant to say was, oh, there i am. that's me. that's me, happy. huh.

illumination ensued.

i realized it was not the reflection of fat i feared.

it was that i couldn't find myself.

it was that i saw instead this girl who was so sad. this shell of someone i once knew.

but now, after all this time, i am beginning to see the picture in its entirety. and it is one of such happiness.

yes, yes, i still see the bits and pieces--of course--my disappearing eyes and brand-new-renegade-cheek-mole (an audacious little thing it is!). but i can see beyond those things. beyond what i like and do not like.

and suddenly there i am. an adult (or so it would seem). and a happy one at that.

go figure.


20 comments:

Brittan said...

i see a beautiful girl who looks happy... like her mom in the picture above.

NatTheFatRat said...

oh, i know this whole thing. inside and out. lovely post, perfectly written, and also, you are beautiful (and that is not an empty compliment!).

Brittany said...

another great post. and by the way, love the earrings! i always put on earrings and then take them off because i feel silly but i'm going to try again. thanks.

Chelsey said...

You are beautiful! :)

Signorina Svizzera said...

you are so beautiful! (and like Nat above, this is not an empty compliment).
other things- i hope to one day reach the stage where the person i know i am and the person i see become one.
finally, i am obsessed with stripes- love that shirt :)

Kara said...

wow - this is truly inspiring! i still feel awkward when i see pictures of myself... this makes me want to be less critical and notice the beauty rather than the imperfections. xo

Brittany said...

You make me think differently. Thanks.

jess said...

I think you look fantastic!

ALFIE said...

you are a beautiful, inspiring woman.

i don't think anyone knows exactly who they are. but being able to share about it---acknowledge the fact that we're all searching-- is one of the greatest accomplishments of all.

there is such freedom in looking in the mirror ,smiling, and realizing---i don't know where i'll be going. or who i'll be in the future. but i'm happy here. and now.

Maureen said...

agree with everyone above, you ARE beautiful :) i love this post. life is just a long path of forever-growing-up, isn't it?

Meghan said...

Ahhh, the never-ending battle between NED & the camera. Oh the hours I've spent explaining this to my mom, and oh the years that passed with little to no record.

I'm am beyond happy for you, lady, because truly you are so beautiful. And that's what you should see when you look at pics of yourself. That, and healthy doses of strength & smarts.

Anonymous said...

An adult. And an immensely beautiful one at that. Go figure!

I recently found your blog and now i come here everyday. A little bit of solace in a sometimes troublesome world. Thanks.

Hannah
xx

Ali said...

I see happiness and good times with friends. I love your blog. Me too am a newbie to your world and I love your honesty and open words.

communikate. said...

Oh how I relate.
ugh.

You're gorgeous, and love seeing photos! Keep em coming!!

ashley lauren said...

I've always thought you were beautiful. But acceptance of oneself is the only thing that can truly make a person beautiful. This post is so lovely!

Roxy Te Owens said...

I'm loving my twenties more than I could have imagined for this very reason. How comforting and bizarre is it to feel like yourself in your own skin? Congrats :)

Anonymous said...

How have you leapt inside of me and written down all of my worries/fears/insecurities/small triumphs? We are so alike Meg. But I suspect you are much stronger than I. I'm chasing you though...Thanks :)

Cassie said...

A beautiful realization of truth. You say the things we hate to admit at times, or the things we feel we are too proud and confident to divulge. Being a woman is tough on the inside at times, but it's the prevailing that makes the beauty shine on the outside.

Congrats on a mile-stone.

Cassie said...

A beautiful realization of truth. You say the things we hate to admit at times, or the things we feel we are too proud and confident to divulge. Being a woman is tough on the inside at times, but it's the prevailing that makes the beauty shine on the outside.

Congrats on a mile-stone.

Michal said...

you are absolutely lovely and not fat in any way. sadly, however, i am far too familiar with the anxiety of pictures and the fear of what they will depict--be it fatness, sadness, or merely change. so beautifully orated, meg, as always.