before you read: this post
is really a continuation of this.
i'm sitting in the kitchen now.
it's cool in here. spring air kissing the countertops.
i'm waiting for my water to boil. for pasta. i'm having pasta. with a little oil, cheese, and avocado.
and i'm happy today.
can you believe that? that i'm actually happy today? isn't that just so perfect and ridiculous and funny, and so exactly the way life is.
do you know the greatest cause of pain is the avoidance of it--the railing against, the attempt not to feel it.
i awoke this morning feeling lighter. because i was honest. with him. with myself. and compassionate towards the two of us and towards whatever tenuous thing we had created.
i liked who i was when i was around him. that's how it began. that was the first feeling. he created a space in which i felt comfortable to assert my independence and confidence. to be sexy and light. and attempt humor. he quieted my mind.
i made so many mistakes along the way. misinterpreted so many comments. expected so much.
but today i feel again like the person i was when all of this began. like the person he allowed me to be. (i have to remember to thank him for this).
only today do i understand what it is he wanted. and oh how i'd like to go back, retrace my steps, and try again.
i'm chuckling as i write this. because this is life. and i'm finally finding my head above the water long enough to laugh about it.