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4.05.2010

happy.

before you read: this post
is really a continuation of this.




i'm
sitting in the kitchen now.

it's cool in here. spring air kissing the countertops.

i'm waiting for my water to boil. for pasta. i'm having pasta. with a little oil, cheese, and avocado.

and i'm happy today.

can you believe that? that i'm actually happy today? isn't that just so perfect and ridiculous and funny, and so exactly the way life is.

do you know the greatest cause of pain is the avoidance of it--the railing against, the attempt not to feel it.

i awoke this morning feeling lighter. because i was honest. with him. with myself. and compassionate towards the two of us and towards whatever tenuous thing we had created.

i liked who i was when i was around him. that's how it began. that was the first feeling. he created a space in which i felt comfortable to assert my independence and confidence. to be sexy and light. and attempt humor. he quieted my mind.

i made so many mistakes along the way. misinterpreted so many comments. expected so much.

but today i feel again like the person i was when all of this began. like the person he allowed me to be. (i have to remember to thank him for this).

only today do i understand what it is he wanted. and oh how i'd like to go back, retrace my steps, and try again.

ah, life!

i'm chuckling as i write this. because this is life. and i'm finally finding my head above the water long enough to laugh about it.

12 comments:

Larissa said...

that´s exactly the way I feel!

Emily said...

Well put, my dear! Glad to hear that you are happy (what a yummy meal to be cooking)! Haha, lately I have realized that I didn't understand what a certain boy might have wanted going into whatever we ended up doing. Haha sometimes it seems like a fundamental misunderstanding between men and women and then other times I think it's just two people who need to better communication if they want to make this "thing" work. Alas, sometimes I tire of thinking. So, the sun is out and I am going to bask in my aliveness. Enjoy the sun, friend!

Bond Girl said...

I love this post! It's so honest and my favorite kind of thing to read. Ephiphanies and reflection and happy ramblings.

We so often overthink and make problems for ourselves, FEAR is the mindkiller and when you let that go - its amazing the results you find.

I'm a new follower and this post was a wonderful first impression for me. I'm looking forward to more.

-Bondgirl

christine said...

Yay! Glad to see it's passing.

Pasta and spring always help a little with that.

Hold on to this feeling.

alisha said...

i loved this post, Meg.
i miss you lots... i'm going to be in and out of the city for the rest of my tour. let's dress up and have champagne some night soon, okay?

alisha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Samantha Fairfield Walsh said...

This is all so good Meg.

communikate. said...

hooray!
glad to hear you're in a good spot in your life right now.

just keep swimming my dear.

Dia said...

I'm so happy to hear this, you radiant girl :)
Thank you for your words yesterday. They were much needed. They have done a lot of good ;)
xox

Lola said...

"do you know the greatest cause of pain is the avoidance of it"

Truer words were never spoken. I loved this post. So honest and real and relatable. Glad you found your happiness again.

RayRay said...

I can relate on a very real level. In fact, I just recently found the strength to "walk away" from what my heart was hoping for. It took over a year to do this, and I've never felt so light. I think I just became accustomed to carrying the weight of a burdened heart, and when it finally was released, I realized I could breathe on my own.

Sarah said...

I have never needed anything more than reading this post today!
Thank you