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tonight i dreamt of a house.

an old victorian home.

with a four-footed tub on the top floor.

a large white four-footed tub filled with warm, clean water.

in which to dive. to soak. to clean. to cry.

to cry, really.

yes, tonight i dreamt of a large victorian home with a four-footed tub in which to cry.

because i need to cry. but cannot.

i tried.

on the walk home from the subway.

in the cold, wet city air. i tried.

with each return to new york the question of what am i returning to becomes harder to answer.

(certainly not any kind of tub i'd choose to fall apart in).

and the thing is, the silence on the other end of that question is a certain kind of death.


Jayne said...

Don't worry, Meg. I've found that the answers to these types of questions tend to come inexplicably, at their own pace. At the end of the day, do what feels good, best, and right for YOU. :) All my best, girlie! Feel better! And after that cry, make yourself some tea and have a piece of chocolate.

karajean said...

I'm new to your blog, and really have no idea if this is your type of thing, but based on some of what I have read I think you might like Joan Didion's essay "Goodbye to All That." It is about many things, one of which is falling out of love with New York. Your post reminds me of her essay.

Tanu said...

at times like this i often console myself thinking "the darkest hour is near the dawn."

i believe there is always a reason beyond what is apparent for life to treat us for the way it does. i am sure new york has something wonderful in store for you and therefore in spite of yourself you are there... i keep coming back to your blog for i think you are very brave and your words inspire me.. just be a little patient and be brave for a little longer.. life will happen. hope you feel better very soon.

love & best wishes,

Laura said...

I'm with you.. I want to cry too!! I just don't want to do it alone, life will get better

Emily said...

Oh, Meg! I feel the same way about Boston - I've just lost any semblance of purpose and inspiration here. But sometimes when I am feeling my saddest, I can't cry. I find that weird things actually spark tears like reading a sad passage in a book or watching a rerun of an emotional Dr.Quinn Medicine Woman (yes, I admit I still watch this show). It sounds like we are in similar places - wholly discontent with our current path, but unsure about where to go next. Where can we go to find that perfect claw foot tub?

I think the key is to try - as hard as it feels - to continue believing in the possibility that lies ahead. Despite how we feel, we are not old, we have so much time. We don't have to do things like everybody else. We just have to always search for what makes us happy. I am committing to doing something every day that will help me get to that place where claw foot tubs are in abundance!

Take heart, my friend!

Marisa said...

I want to cry in a claw foot tub too....

CrowNology said...

Water in all forms is my comfort...Hot bath water...The capricious Atlantic...Hot water with lemon...A hot water bottle at my feet...
Perhaps a bath tub is a unconscious desire for the safety of our Mothers...The womb.
I don't want to spam you but here is a post you may find resonance with...

Thinking of you Meg, and wishing you your desires...

Wild and Precious said...

Found your blog while blog-hopping around! I really like your writing!

I hope you'll stop by my blog, i'm hosting a giveaway i think you might like.


beatrice said...

oh meg, i don't see you in new york. i think i did when i first started reading you but now... no, i think you're in the woods somewhere, or vermont (which is silly, since i've never been to vermont) in my mind. in the perfect world in my mind where we all live in exactly the place we ought to live in.

but alas, you live in new york, and i live in dallas, and neither of us seems to be the happier for it.

so i ignore the things i loathe about dallas and revel in the things i love that all the places i could be have... beautiful clear air, sky, grass under my feet, smiling children.

Melissa said...

So sorry you feel this way Meg. You've been posting a lot about feeling trapped in New York. I've lived here all my life and love it... live for it. It rejuvenates me and makes me so incredibly thankful. And that's how your home should be. New York isn't the be all, end all. Find a place that makes you happy. Really, what's holding you back from leaving? Life's too short to be miserable... make the changes you need in order to live the life you want!

keep calm and eat a cupcake said...

as I sit at the airport, preparing to return to my city of habitation, this post rings all to true for me. i often feel/think/experience the same thoughts and emotions.

you aren't alone.

thank you for writing such beautiful prose and expressing and putting into words, feelings that i've struggled to describe.