I've moved! This page should automatically redirect in 5 seconds, but if it doesn't, then click here.

1.19.2010

trading in half-truths.


when the stomach flu hit i didn't think i'd ever get out of bed again.

but as most things do. it passed.

health returned.

and yet.

i remained. in bed.

and i slept.

some days are nothing more than experiments in resisting the urge to weep.

i can admit that i have an eating disorder. but i cannot admit depression.

i can admit that i am person who feels great sadness. and often. but i cannot admit depression.

and yet, i am...sad right now. winter blues? post-holiday decline?

the big eating disorder summit (yup, they have one of those) will take place in salzburg this year. and one of the main issues up for discussion is the newly recognized binge eating disorder. the question on the table: binge eating without occurrence of depression is not actually an eating disorder--instead it is just... overeating? not just, because things aren't so simple. but it boils down to depression as the defining factor--the tipping point.

and yet i cannot admit i am depressed.

i was. once. when this all began.

terribly so, in fact. which made the eating disorder difficult to diagnose. everyone said it was depression. anxiety. and i knew. instinctively, as my world fell apart, i knew: they were wrong.

and the depression subsided. and a slow recovery began.

and God, this recovery has been slow. i am slow. on the uptake. a late bloomer. always have been. so this should come as no surprise. and in effort to prevail i slowly, ever-so-slowly persist.

so when this funk began in october, i declared it just that: a funk. and moved on.

but breathing has been a bit harder these few months.

this is all to say.

that yes, i live in constant pursuit of laughter. and yes i do believe that anything is possible. and yes i cling to hope. just as i cling to the notion that everything happens for a reason. and hell, i have no idea what will come of all of this, so how can i judge it harshly?

but that is only half the story. that is the story i tell here because i want to believe it as much as i need others to believe in me.

but there are mornings that i cannot get out of bed. mornings when the sheer weight of my failures seems unbearable. when i don't think i'll have the energy to get out of the subway car at the necessary stop. when i can't ever imagine getting better. or imagine this ending.

so you should know. there is another side to the story. a mr. hyde to my dr. jeckyll.



*turns out yesterday was blue monday--the most depressing day of the year. i really love this blog and always enjoy what the women have to say. the latest entry covers a bit of all this.

30 comments:

Elizabeth Marie said...

I believe in you. And I believe in me...and without sounding too cliche, I really believe there is something worth getting out of bed for everyday, although I have my days when I need reminders of this too. I hope breathing gets a little easier, trust me, I understand. You're truly brave to share this with us xoxo

carly said...

Tell yourself that it is okay when you can't get out of bed, or don't have the energy to do anything. And truly believe that it is okay.

Because it is...it's okay not to feel "okay" some days...I think it's understanding that yourself that is the first step in starting to feel better.

Morgan said...

Ms. Meg.. you are one of the best writers. Truly. I believe in you & hope you feel better soon. xoxo

Girl said...

meg, know that your blog resonates with me, and i'm sure others.

some days the only thing that gets me out of bed is thinking that this might be the day all my dreams come true...how am i going to meet mr. right if i'm shut away in my apartment all day?

and sometimes, when even that doesn't work, i get out of bed because i might run into someone who's having a rougher go at-it than me, and they might need some encouraging.

you never know who or what you might encounter but most likely you'll be glad you made it out of bed, even if it was just for a few minutes.

will keep you in my prayers...hope you feel more like yourself soon!

Micaela said...

I am always thinking of you but especially now.

I am forever finding myself touched by your honesty...

by your failures even; but most of all that you continue to hope. One is never lost if they have hope and you cling to it.

"just keep swimming." words said to me and always remembered (and mentioned over on beta!)

all my love to you Meg Fee. xo

Melly said...

Thanks for being so honest, Meg. I've always admired that about you. Hang in there. Don't think of your failures as actual failures, but as experiences (whether they were learning experiences or not). Of course that's easier said than done, but everything really will be alright.

Camilla Salem said...

i get that way too sometimes. where getting out of bed and facing the day is just too challenging to take on.

perhaps you can find some comfort and light in the fact that your words inspire so many people -- myself very much included -- that you are indeed an artist -- and that you are someone that so many of us would like to call a dear friend.

so dear friend,
i hope you are well.
and i'm glad the stomach flu has passed.
and always live in constant pursuit of laughter.
and when things get really really bad. just turn on the office and make googly eyes at david wallace.

Karina said...

Totally inspiring, how open and honest you are. Really cool.

I hope you feel better soon. :)

Jane's Next Door said...

Ah Meg. I hate to say "I know how you feel' because obviously I can't know how YOU feel since I don't know you. But - i do know the feeling of hopelessness and how dire it can seem. Living in this world is a harder for some than for others - I've said that before and people disagree with me but I think I'm right. Some of us just struggle more with it than others. FIghting your demons is one of the hardest battles. You'll come through it and you'll go through it again but keep writing and keep coming through. Your honesty is admirable, as is the love that the commentators share for you.
Be brave, little soldier.
xo
k

lexio said...

I haven't ever posted a comment before, I'm just a haunter, but I love reading what you write. You capture feelings that I have a hard time describing. This post about depression especially.

I love your blog. Keep up the good fight.

Elizabeth said...

Why is it that saying something out loud, even if it's just to ourselves, can be so hard?
I hate personality tests and have always hated someone else describing me as part "melancholy." I just don't like the sound of it... but as much as I fight it, I know that it's true.
So hats off to you... brave post, Meg!

Brittan said...

oh meg. once again you say what i can't say. thank you.

Emily G. said...

The weight of the world is a lot lighter when you've got people willing to share the load. And I believe each person who comments here is trying to help you shoulder it. Keep fighting, Meg.

Miss Carrie said...

You're trying to believe. That's all that matters. Stay strong, Meg!

Anonymous said...

you can do this meg :) you're an inspiring young lady who's incredibly gifted. you have so much to offer the world. for every moment that you're on top of the world, there's often another moment when you wonder how to feel okay about your place in the world. it will pass and you will, again, greet the world with joy really soon :)

just hold yourself steady and yes, keep going.

Valerie said...

meg! you are amazing. + i am amazing. + i go through similar things sometimes. i am weirded out by depression and fought depression denial after my surgery this year-- but after i busted blood vessels in my face from crying, it was time to admit maybe i needed a liiiiitle help. even though i didn't want it. it's surely temporary. i think of it as being in a chyrsalis. i am fighting my way out as a magical butterfly (only radder because i am me, and not a butterfly). LOVE YOU. let's go flirt with boys soon. or at least have a girl date somewhere pretty. the actor boy was no good. so i am free free freeee and promise i will not flash my fake diamond ring in the face of cute boys anymore. XO!

elliebird said...

honey, you need to get out. come visit me. i'm serious. we live out in the semi-country, and even though it's not at its most beautiful this time of year, we can make it beautiful.

julianne rose said...

hi dear,

i found your blog in the wild world of internet connections, and after a few weeks of reading i must comment on this here little post to say that i'm 25, and had severe anorexia, then bulimia, then anorexia, then bulimia (you know how it is :) for around 7 years... i'll celebrate my 2 year anniversary of feeling somewhat normal this spring. throughout the entire time depression was of course a factor - sometimes greater than at other times. and you know what? even now, that eating is truly no longer an issue (miraculously), i have waves of depression. they come, but then i separate myself and remind myself that these are ghosts of my past, these are shadows of another self, they do not correlate to my true self, and stop listening! and slowly, it all heals. and i have to say i am very happy - truly joyful in life for the first time since i was 15. and so the point is, joy does come. i PROMISE it does come! i had years of thinking my God i will never conquer this, i will always be like this. but it's a pernicious lie. and don't worry about not wanting to get out of bed. don't get overwhelmed by it. it's perfectly ok, and does not represent you as who you truly are. and that's totally fine.

i have loved reading your blog, and feel a real kindred connection to you - all ED sufferers i think have that, even though they're manifest so radically differently in all of us. but again, just wanted to say hey, those blue days are just fine - depression and EDs are vicious, but they are not everything. hope you don't mind such a personal comment!

much love to you on what is my most depressing day (wednesday. ugh.),
julianne.

jcdelbalzo said...

I can certainly say there are times in my life where my own sadness has been shocking, upsetting in itself. However, I see that what you and i have in common is the fact that despite it, we still are hopeful. it's often a struggle to remain optimistic, i recently was in a funk myself, and im not sure its safe to say i'm out of it yet, but i do have some recommendations...
firstly, set realistic goals for yourself, with visible results. i recently applied to social work schools for when i graduate, and i haven't heard back yet but it's made a world of difference for me to follow through on something and have a plan.
secondly, force yourself to go out and be social. even when many parts of you are telling yourself no because of this and that and blah blah... forget the excuses! just go out, and even just taking that step you'll feel a million times better.
third, get some sunlight and get your body moving. exercise- even just a walk while listening to music, grabbing a coffee, helps a lot. if its gross out, get one of those lamps that simulates sunlight and sit in front of it for about 15 minutes a day. i am from the tri-state area too, and during the winter it is easy to succumb to seasonal depression. it's easily fixed!

not to say that this will solve your problems, but i've found even little steps help so much. there have been times where i've told myself "no" for every little thing possible. sometimes you just have to snap out of it and remind yourself that you're just being silly, you know? i wish you the best of luck!

Julia

Courtney said...

I hate these funks. I'm the same as you, there's the positive side of me, always dreaming, hoping for the best. But then there's this other side, that I don't like, that seems to creep up on me. Do you sometimes read your more positive posts and say "I wish I was that person today?" I do.

Funks suck.

So here's to our funks Meg, and here's to the better side of us. May that side be a little more persistent.

Anna said...

You're not alone.

Hope.
Faith.
Laughter.
Love.

hawthorne girl said...

meg, know that you are loved. i don't know you and i may never meet you but everytime i come to your blog you turn my world upside down (in a good way). only good things will come from a person like you, willing to put it all out there for the world to see. hang in there, girl. amazing things are waiting for you.

Rebecca said...

You're definitely not alone. Winter, though I love it, is a depressing season. And depression is hard to diagnose. There's no sugar-coating it. No one wants to admit they're depressed. I've been fighting the label for awhile now, too, but am finally taking action to become happier.

Even when you can't get out of bed,
Get out of Bed.

Rhianne said...

I have felt the same all month and I always feel that I can never admit to feeling depressed either (or even just incredibly overwhelmed by everything)

I believe in you and I really hope that posting this helped you, it helps me sometimes x

Marisa said...

meg - i am in tears as I read this post because I know this feeling of seeking happiness... "in constant pursuit of laughter." Struggling over faliures and trying to change my attitude towards my life because deep down I know! But knowing and feeling are two totally different things. You are so far ahead of some of us... because you are able to be completely honest and open about your stuggles were some of us lock them away.. you are so amazing and thank you for inspiring me.
xoxo

Hanako66 said...

we all have days, or weeks, or even months like that. but, if it is too serious, i am counting on you to ask for help meg. there are times when our bodies need help of the emotional or even chemical variety. you have fought your demons and won and i know that you can get through this...we all believe in you!

Lisa Piorczynski said...

Beautiful Meg,

"some days are nothing more than experiments in resisting the urge to weep."

I know how that feels.

I only know you from this blog, but I have fallen in love with all the parts of yourself you share with us.

Keep swimming, my friend.

ashley lauren said...

Just found this website, and thought you might enjoy it. (Maybe you've already heard of it).

www.the-f-word.org

Helpful, insightful, agreeable information for those of us trying to expose/avoid the diet industry.

kathleen said...

I have struggled with depression my whole life. It has been a constant. However, and I know everyone says this, but it's true - it gets easier as you get older. As lovely and exciting as my twenties were, I wouldn't go back there. Things start to level out. The highs are just as high, but the lows aren't as low. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us. I was talking to Liz on the phone the other day and I was telling her how talented I think you are.

Thank you for your unending courage.

Gigi Gamboa said...

I was depressed for most of my sophomore year of college (I'm starting my senior year now), and only just now reading this post did I realize that it was related to my binge eating.

I just feel so much like I'm at a place that you've been before, and so I want to thank you for helping me feel less alone.